Sunday, 25 September 2011

James May is a libertarian!

Was Monbiot right, though, to say that Top Gear is ‘a mouthpiece for an extreme form of libertarianism and individualism’ – basically accusing it of being a right-wing show?

‘I don’t think libertarianism is right-wing, is it? My personal views....are that I like the idea of a society that tries to reduce rules, reduces interference and encourages individual open-mindedness and freedom of thought. That’s how I feel; I don’t see that as a right-wing view.

Friday, 26 August 2011

Post of the Day

From contributor Ed the Axeman on Guido's Caption Competition today:

I live in a mainly Muslim community and I’m really fed up with the politically correct bollocks around here.

My local pub had to change its name from The Flying Pig, nobody speaks English in any shop you go in and you can barely cook a bacon sarnie without upsetting some Pakistani or another!

So I was so happy to see my local swimming pool fighting back, and ruining their fun for a change. It had big sign on the wall stating:


Saturday, 20 August 2011

Here's to Freedom, and the Few that are fighting for it

Sometimes in all the noise and haste of global political upheavals, we forget there is one man fighting for our liberty, who is no stranger when publically expressing what we collectively feel deep within ourselves.

And there is another:

Help! The aliens have landed!

I like Fraser Nelson. I really do. He's articulate, well-educated, had the courage to challenge the pathological buffoon, who ironically had written a book about the very thing that he was totally devoid of, and whose raison d'être is generally far removed from the banality and predictability of the MSM lobby copy drones out there.
Imagine my horror when he writes an article like this.

One can only assume that some alien life force has swapped his brain for a sub-standard, pre-programed one, perhaps from a lesser spotted Liebour MP, for instance.
Fraser, we need to cauterize that alien presence from your brain – now!

Thursday, 7 July 2011

BBC: Metropolitan Multiculti Middleclass Left Wing Prickocracy Whose Days Are Numbered

Pat Condell at his best:

Monday, 13 June 2011

Cold Fusion?

Interesting link, assuming it's not a hoax, will it finally put all those windmill monstrosities to bed once and for all?

Eng. Andrea A. Rossi and Professor Sergio Focardi of the University of Bologna (one of the oldest universities in the world [1]), have announced to the world that they have a cold fusion device capable of producing more than 10 kilowatts of heat power, while only consuming a fraction of that. On January 14, 2011, they gave the Worlds' first public demonstration of a nickel-hydrogen fusion reactor capable of producing a few kilowatts of thermal energy. At its peak, it is capable of generating 15,000 watts with just 400 watts input required. In a following test the same output was achieved but with only 80 watts of continual input.

I'll wait for the first reactor being built before getting excited.

Monday, 6 June 2011

Slapping the Righteous with an e-smoked haddock

As a non-smoker, I'm enjoying the fun I'm having with my e-cig thanks to LegIron's recommendations: I've even persuaded 2 smokers to have a go and they’ve bought some as both want to stop smoking cigs!

But I expect to see official "independent" studies to be coming out shortly pointing to trace carcinogens in the unregulated Chinese cartridges which will kill all “vapers” and those unfortunate enough to inhale the second hand, odourless, food grade, atomised propylene glycol.

You know it's coming don't you? Can you honestly imagine all these people paid for by our taxes to spend their days and our cash on sending their brood to private schools while sanctimoniously judging how we should lead our lives, seeing their golden goose’s neck snapped thanks to the wonders of modern technology, an entrepreneurial spirit and an eye for creating a low cost of entry product in a billion dollar market for a cheaper, alternative, cleaner and safer solution?

I know because of the fact that whenever I use my e-cig in front of the miserable, the bitter, the indoctrinated, the non-thinking, the spineless and the pious, their faces slowly morph in that characteristic, resentful, twisted evil way as they see someone not playing by their rules. That’s because they tried to be clever. Clever and nasty and spiteful. And someone of independent thought had an idea and went about creating an alternative to a cigarette, and returned the pleasure and those bitter Righteous, they f***king hate it.


I think in the game L4D2, instead of whacking zombies with guitars, katanas and frying pans, we should have models of The Righteous instead.

Pretty anatomically similar and definitely share the same behavioural aspects as Pavlov's salivating dogs.

And more dangerous and scary in large numbers.

Wednesday, 18 May 2011

Guido's PMQs Live Highlights: “Classic Rape” Edition

Thanks to Guido once again for hosting today's LiveChat where the windowlickers gather for Wednesday's PMQs.

Slight improvement this time with RedEd taking advantage of Clarke's rape gaffe earlier and a rare appearance by the Beast of Bolsover.


obangobang: Is that a giraffe next to Milibad?

Steve Miliband: Is that a Giraffe or Harman

13eastie: Nice to see Harman's giraffe outfit has been retained.

Dick Scratcher: Can we burn that frigging giraffe suit on 5th November?


Dick Scratcher: Hain Pantone Reference : 810F (Satsuma Ego)


Billy Blofeld: Dave and George have decided to be Tories today........ hence the blue ties.....




Dorian Smith: Tráthnóna maith, iad siúd a lick na fuinneoga


Dick Scratcher: LATEST: Al Megrahi’s Prius has just died.


genghiz the khan: tyrie and unemotional


Duckhouse Rools - Julian: Good morning Guido good about the english speaking requirement - cast of eastenders to be deported then


Dick the Prick: Afternoon sex pests

genghiz the khan: wape, pillage, dwink,

Beware of Geeks: "Welease Woderwick! He's a wapist!"

Moniker: Balls and rape - interesting combo

will: god the labour front bench look like they have been sucking lemons

Tuscan Tony: Slightly unhappy use of the words "bonkers" by Ed when talking about rape.

Julian Duckhouse Rools - Julian: From Red to 30 mins....

Billy Blofeld: I'd like to see their balls smashed between bricks........ go on Dave you know you want to say that....

Tuscan Tony: Gotta watch your fingers if you do that Billy

Dick Scratcher: Hyman = bit of a c***

Dick Scratcher: Laws going down....every night

Spank Sinatra: Shares for chavs - wonderful

Tuscan Tony: Rachel reeves: today's overmotivated loon.

Tuscan Tony: Is Ken Clarke taking some points for Huhne?

MrHarryCole: RT @Lefty_Lisa: Ken Clarke will be on the Vanessa show later. Its where Tories go to fire the final bullet into their careers.

Spank Sinatra: Big breaths and she's only thixteen

M. Crescent: Caroline Norks looking luscious today

Tuscan Tony: Caroline N looks like she's been at the wallpaper bucket again this morning.

Tuscan Tony: John Robertson: a tethered weather balloon of an MP

Beware of Geeks: The reason the torch is not stopping in Sunderland is 'cos it will be knicked

Saturday, 7 May 2011

"Since you asked Invisible Woman, I think about a 36 DD"

Wednesday, 4 May 2011

Guido's PMQs Live Highlights: To AV or Not AV Edition

Thanks to Guido once again for hosting today's LiveChat where the windowlickers gather for Wednesday's PMQs.

Quite a boring one today, Cam on good form, RedEd useless and whining and surrounded by the new cast for Lord of the Rings.


Dorian Smith: bon après-midi, lèche des fenêtres


Tuscan Tony: Cleggy's tie's a little nasty.,

stormforce999: that is a hideous tie mr straw


Billy Bowden: Celeb watch : Bin Laden not in chamber.

Billy Bowden: Celeb watch: Barry obama not in the chamber

Billy Bowden: Celeb watch : Peppa the pig is not in the chamber

Dick Scratcher: CELEB WATCH: Geraint Jones (former sports presenter on Harlech TV in gallery)


Dick Scratcher: LATEST: Al Megrahi’s iPad 2 has just died.


John M Ward: "Mike Gapes" Does he, indeed!


Tuscan Tony: Stencil research? No harm in that I'd have thought.


Dorian Smith: "Billy Bowden: No cleavage behind red ed" - always a few tits around him though

Charlie: Who is the Hobbit to the left of Ed?

Beware of Geeks: the one on the left should reside under a bridge

Tuscan Tony: To the left of Ed looks like a refugee from a Tim Burton film.

Spank Sinatra: She's on day release from Rampton

Dorian Smith: Labour Front bench looks like the cast of the new Hobbit film

John M Ward: Who's the female to Ed's left (our right)?

Beware of Geeks: @JW Gimli?

John M Ward: Yvette "Gimli" Cooper. Yes, that works :-)

Tuscan Tony: Not Yvette, surely? Has she been at the cupcakes?

Dick Scratcher: # Elves to the left of me, Leprechauns to the right, stuck in the middle...#

GuidoFawkes: @ns_mehdihasan you are making yourself look more foolish than usual. Almost Gordon Brown like inability to admit you got it wrong.

Beware of Geeks: Where's Gordon? Has he retired to Abbottobad?

Tuscan Tony: Stencil research? No harm in that I'd have thought.

Should Be Working: Ainsworth, how have you got the nerve to show your fungus face?

Beware of Geeks: That's like Gordon asking a question about the country's deficit

Bled White Taxpayer: Ainsworth has no right whatsoever to pretend to be the Forces' friend. Dreadful Min Defence in his time.

Beware of Geeks: Spellman working on a building site today?

Tuscan Tony: Why is she an MP?

John M Ward: TT: probably because they couldn't find a donkey to whom to pin the red rosette last May...

Tuscan Tony: Quite so, John,though the donkey would probably have been more articulate.

Should Be Working: Jack Dromey - get back in the kitchen and make Harriet her tea!

Tuscan Tony: Dromey: The All Woman MP

Dick Scratcher: Mandy likes Fairy Dairyland

Dick Scratcher: Salou has stretching targets

Beware of Geeks: Port Salut!

Tuscan Tony: Saloo, sailors!

John M Ward: Ooh, I like Port Salut! Good point: added to shopping list...

will: Kerry mccarthy got what a rough labour arse

stormforce999: she's a great argument for the burka

I hate Labour: Kerry Macarthy gets more ugly every week.

MrHarryCole: RT @iainmartin1: Don't want to be ungallant, but let's take a moment to consider Caroline Spelman's jacket. It's Guantanamo jumpsuit orange

Beware of Geeks: Mike Gapes: Son of Pickles

Tuscan Tony: MIke Gapes; Goatse man.

Dorian Smith: Gapes seems a stranger to "healthy British food", more KFC

Tuscan Tony: Mike Gapes: the root vegetable des nos jours.

Beware of Geeks: Even Prescotts pies aren't large enough to top the £500 expensive limits

paulwaugh: This is not so much #PMQs as TownhallQs. Shdnt be surprised I guess but make for dreary viewing..

Dorian Smith: Labour councils don't do allotments, they plant money trees

Weybridgeman: I thought old Mikey died years ago - he certainly did politically

Beware of Geeks: Therese Coffee? Black please love

Billy Bowden: Racist geeks!!! :-)

Beware of Geeks: sorry Billy - "I'll have a coffee without milk"

Crying into my milk: scoffey

Tuscan Tony: You need to restrict your lower intestine, love.

Friday, 1 April 2011

It's a mad world and I want to get off

It's April Fool’s day today where it's traditional for the Mainstream Media to throw in a fake story or two for hearty chuckles and to hide the decline, to borrow an oft used expression from those that dance around the taxpayer gorging Global Warming parasites, of their plummeting sales volumes.

However, a cursory glance at even the most highbrowed of organs have left me perplexed as I ponder whether most of these journalistic pieces of piddle are real or Memorex.

I no longer pay the telly tax as I no longer watch live broadcasts although if I’m fair, the real reason behind this is that I resent funding a nest of progressive liberals pretending they are an impartial state broadcaster, but once again peering at the propaganda I perceive no facts but pretence and paradox.

I see a plastic Kim Kardashian has once again popped out her silicon puppies for the paparazzi for another piece of poptastic banality for the Daily Mail's salacious readership.

The Biased Broadcasting Corporation have given an uninterrupted 5 minutes of propaganda to Sadie "Zadie is cooler" Smith who seems to have confused Labour's criminal recidivistic profligacy with a council’s decision to open or close a library and not the incumbent’s decision. Oh, and it’s apparently socially acceptable to steal library books.

The Telegraph are showing some bonkers Tory Baroness Do-As-I-Say-Not-As-I-Do MP saying that Muslims must be persuaded to integrate, as though she was showcasing in some kind of looming "Ihre Papieren bitte!" Teutonic authoritarian socialist parody.

The ironically named Independent has been writing vast wiff-wafflery about some communist called Miliband who has trouble coming to terms with the paradox of anarchists rioting and vandalising in the streets for a bigger state.

The Grauniad’s sourpuss hack of hypocrisy herself, her highness and humanist Mary Louisa Toynbee writes equivocally about the plight of the poor, under trodden proletariat while quickly washing her hands and insincerity of the hideousness of it all and quietly retreats to the barricade of her Tuscany property portfolio where she can bathe unhindered in her self-imposed misery.

“Whom the gods wish to destroy, they first make mad” – Euripides

Never a truer word spoken.

Thursday, 31 March 2011

Pat Condell says "The Great Jesus Swindle"

Wednesday, 30 March 2011

Guido's PMQs Live Highlights: Wed Ed Edition

Thanks to Guido once again for hosting today's LiveChat where the windowlickers gather for Wednesday's PMQs.

Quite a good lively one today with "The Most Annoying Man In Modern Politics" (MAMIMP) getting his Ball's felt by Cameron, who was, as Beeboid progressive liberal and Tory Bear stalking victim, Laura Kuenssberg noted "...on rude form".


Tuscan Tony: Msht Shpkr


Dorian Smith: Hague's tie is like a Jimmy Saville gold lame jumpsuit

Crying into my milk: is it bloody awful tie day


Dick Scratcher: Hain Pantone reference: 811G (Flat Tango)


Dick Scratcher: LATEST: Al Megrahi's remote control has just died

#Labour parody of the Week

BBC drone: Livingstone for Mayor!!!! Ed won BIG today at PMQ's viewers/listeners


John M Ward: All of Kerry's speeches are Labour-ious...


Steve Miliband: As BA said, sorry Mr Brown there's no economy left


Dorian Smith: I see love beads are trending, Teresa May's taken to them too

Beware of Geeks: ta! Andrew Pierce has borrowed my liver. But he's given it back to me and he's broken it

Dick Scratcher: BOG - Andrew Pierce uses it like a melon in a prison

Dorian Smith: UKUncat are more than handy with a Dundee cake from Fortnums, they don't need arms

Tuscan Tony: A well stocked Spad - just what Hague needs

Steve Miliband: Will Hello buy the rights to the wedding of the year

Dick Scratcher: Did Hague take her up the aisle?

Tuscan Tony: CHew-isshan

Dick Scratcher: Yvette needs a Wonderbra

joolzg: yvette needs a face

Tuscan Tony: Jimmy Savile sent my mum flowers when I was born.

Urban Tory: @TT is he your dad?

Tuscan Tony: If Leeds loses its childrens' unit Jimmy Savile will move away

Spank Sinatra: Cooper looks as though she's lost a pound and found a shilling

DonkeyDong: Oi Copper! My helmet is bigger than yours!

Tuscan Tony: Anyone read David Miliband's Twitter feed about his seed?

John M Ward: Halfon, half off...

Ed But Look Balls: I've got a semion not a halfon!!

Urban Tory: ooh the Derby telegraph, that last bastion of free speech

the last quango in paris: the speaker could do with standing on the shoulder of a suffragette

John M Ward: Crumbs! I am reminded of Box from "Logan's run" - little head atop mountainous body...

Beware of Geeks: Woof Woof subroutine - **** CRITICAL ERROR ****

Tuscan Tony: I hope she's well tethered.

John M Ward: Ming the um, er, something-less. probably memory-less by now...

Steve Miliband: Menzies Older than Ken?

Beware of Geeks: Ken Clarke: "Give up my... Oh, but my dear Ratty, this is my career. Surely, you can't mean it."

Tuscan Tony: Second lunch soon, Ken.

Tuscan Tony: Al Megrahi has already booked his spot at the Menzies Campbell funeral.

Tuscan Tony: He is the skeleton from the old SCotch Tapes lifetime guarantee ad.

Rog: Heidi is obviously no stranger to the dessert trolley.

Dorian Smith: Bingo wing watch +2

Tuscan Tony: Arms like salamis

John M Ward: Is Fiona Bruce related to Malcolm Bruce?

Dick Scratcher: @ JW - More like Lenny Bruce

Thursday, 24 March 2011

"If it gets nasty, get down to business"

From Counting Cats, another "I Want One Of Those" moments.

Guido's PMQs & Budget Live Highlights: What You Didn’t Read In The Papers

Thanks to Guido for hosting today's LiveChat where the windowlickers gather for Wednesday's PMQs.

It was a big one - over two hours of windowlicking goodness to trawl through hence the release today.

Ozzie had a frog in his throat for most of the budget speech and Red Ed's reply was simply pre-scripted drivel and there was a noticeable marked aggressive tone to the accompanied LiveChat comments.

Seeing Miliband yesterday was like watching a kid getting upset because mummy took his toys away for greedily gorging on all the family chocolates.

Although I am an equal opportunities windowlicker (I hate all the parties equally), I simply can't stand the hypocrisy of Labour blaming the Tories for the country's demise. From selling the gold at the bottom of the market, fiscal drag and the removal of the dividend tax credit on pensions, Gordon Brown and Labour have wrecked the economy. Fact.

But there they are, the little Orcs scampering around on the media, telling their lies to all the sheeple, criticising the Tories and all the while not one interviewer has said:

"But all this is your fault".


Tuscan Tony: Good filghodu, laghaq tieqa


Beware of Geeks: Purple tie for Ozzie, red for Cleggie, black for Cameron - George and Zippy would be proud


Dick Scratcher: Hain pantone reference: 815G (Blackpool subs bench)


Billy Bowden: Celeb watch: Gordon is not in the chamber


Steve Miliband: Al Magrahi survives Japanese Tsunami

Billy Bowden: Latest : al Marghrais toaster has died.

Tuscan Tony: Al Megrahi's Joshua tree's just died.

Dick Scratcher: LATEST: Megrahi's water cress has just died

Tuscan Tony: Al Magrahi outlives Liz Taylor.

#Labour parody of the Week

Gary Elsby: Anyone can be forgiven in thinking Tories have proven their successes over the years.


John M Ward MIA with tech probs


Tuscan Tony: Fred Titmus will be spinning in his grave.


obangobang: I think I prefer it upside down. I know my wife does, nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

obangobang: Too deep, too fast. My wife says that too!!

Tuscan Tony: Good filghodu, laghaq tieqa

Urban Tory: Ed Balls and Yvette Cooper are proof that ugly begets ugly

Tuscan Tony: Is John Woodcock a member of a splinter group?

Beware of Geeks: Ozzie got a nice shade of yellow - has he been on a quick trip to Zambia?

Urban Tory: @BoG its Liver failure

Tuscan Tony: Hague is the only person who looks more ridiculous than his cartoons.

Dick Scratcher: Is Shirley Williams' fanny a no fly zone?

Beware of Geeks: @DS - not even "bunker busters" can touch the sides

Tuscan Tony: Fred Titmus will be spinning in his grave.

Tuscan Tony: Croydon = Surrey's Detroit

Gadaffi: Gordo's wandering around Barnsley looking for the Thames. He might be a while.

obangobang: Maguire criticising someone for fluffing their lines. Lucky he uses his nose for his.

Tuscan Tony: Dead heat in a zeppelin race.

Beware of Geeks: "Tally ho! McRuin at angels 10. I've got a good tone...Fox..Fox 1"

Urban Tory: @BoG that was the geekiest and therefore coolest thing ever said on this blog

Cassius: NHS is going to be important if Harman is to get that face and hand transplant

The Anglo Saxon: "I can see clearly now the Gold has gone"

Tuscan Tony: Well endowment fund.

Steve Miliband: Rhodedendrum size plant

Tardkiller: I see Elsby is on day release

GuidoFawkes: @ns_mehdihasan Mrs Fawkes has made it clear she would like an Irish Baronetcy...

Urban Tory: why is Balls grinning like a bellend?

Billy Bowden: Because he is a bell end

Dorian Smith: Gary Elsby is a less eloquent Bob Crow

Nixon in China: Any truth in the rumour that Spandau ballet are lined up the play whenever Gordon Brown enters the House ?

Another Engineer: Nixon - They might as well line up Elvis to play when Gordon enters the house.

Ivor Tapeworm: From Shanghai to San Paulo - Hit Me with Your Rythm Stick

Steve Miliband: Massey Ferguson 1 John Deere 0

Call me Infidel: "does cherie wear a burka?" No but she bloody well should the ugly munter.

Tankus: Blimey.... wales gets electricity

Tardkiller: gordy did his budgets with a fishemans friend up his anus

Dick Scratcher: Enterprise Zones = Dogsh**land

Nixon in China: Potholes? Now they know how much it costs in cash to fill the Albert hall !

Dorian Smith: WHy don't we just put Caroline Lucas on a treadmill, how green is that?

Billy Bowden: POlly will blame Taylors death on the wicked tories.

Ivor Tapeworm: Has Elizabeth Taylor gone for a burton?

Nixon in China: If the media can just make the link between Liz Taylor, Japanese Spinach and Sarah Palin....Job Done!

cough mixture: BIG COUGH

Dick Scratcher: IDS wants his frog back

Beware of Geeks: Carla Bruni wants her frog back

Frog in Georges throat: Ken Clarke has nodded off

Tankus: Balls mock horror face ...same as his sex one ...I wonder

Nixon in China: Ed is hoping to soundbite the economy into recovery

busted nokia: Ed should audition for Caesar in life of brian

Tankus: what about Gordons biscuit policy on mumsnet choc or hobnob !, its sooooo difficult

Thursday, 17 March 2011

Over one million internet users in Libya

I came across an interesting article from the Arabic Network for Human Rights stating:

In 1998, the number of Internet users in Libya did not exceed 100 people. By early 2001, after Internet service was extended to the public, the number reached 300,000. By mid-2003, the number was estimated to be 850,000. It is rapidly reaching one million users, an immense number considering that the population in Libya is 6 million people.

That's a fair size of the population. I wonder how much the internet has played in the Middle East unrest recently or whether it is due to other global economic issues?

Wednesday, 16 March 2011

Guido's PMQs LiveChat Highlights: No Fuel Zone Edition

Thanks to Guidofor hosting today's LiveChat where the windowlickers gather for Wednesday's PMQs.

(sorry for delay - work issues)


Dorian Smith: Could Clegg's tie be any more yellow?

Billy Bowden: Crap tie Ed!!!

@JULIANBRAY: Hague looking pensive .... why? all tories wearing blue ties has there been a fatwa?

@JULIANBRAY: cleggy has puilled out the yellow tie


Dick Scratcher: Hain Pantone Reference : 815B (Belisha Brillo)


Dick Scratcher: CELEB WATCH: Esma Cannon (old lady in Carry Ons) in public gallery


Dick Scratcher: LATEST: Al Megrahi’s air conditioning has just died.

Tuscan Tony: More bad news for Magrahi: his extensive lichen collection has just died.

Tuscan Tony: More bad news - Maghrahi's signature on the Magna Carta has faded.


John M Ward: Heinous or Hain-ous?


Tuscan Tony: If Wotton Bassett is to be called Royal will Leicester be name Mongolian Cluster?


Tuscan Tony: Does the Muslim Parliament do a Taliban/insurgent death rollcall too?

Steve Miliband: Woyal as Red Ed would say

Ed But Look Balls: Cheltenham tic tac

Tuscan Tony: If Wotton Bassett is to be called Royal will Leicester be name Mongolian Cluster?

Steve Miliband: You don't get posher than a posh jock jock

John M Ward: Ken Clarke's dark green tie flowing in a gentle curve over his belly...

Tuscan Tony: Ed "Mongolian" MIliband

John M Ward: Red Ed's mouth at least as assymetric as Douglas carswell's...

Dick the Prick: The Hain pantone quite heinous

John M Ward: Heinous or Hain-ous?

Tuscan Tony: Would Ed Miliband qualify for the Midsomer Murders cast, one wonders?

Dorian Smith: MRSA went up under Labour

Dick Scratcher: Angela Eagle wants a Strapadicktomi on the NHS

Dick the Prick: How saggy are Harman's jugs?

Dick Scratcher: NHSSR

John M Ward: "Son of Road-block" !

Dick Scratcher: Mandy likes his passage blocking

Tankus: shoot the dwarf

Ed But Look Balls: PrescriptED!

AV or not AV?: Ah nostalgia - Tractor Stats reappear

Dick Scratcher: George Formby?

Dick Scratcher: "Turned out sh** again"

Mr Bridger: miliband "I have a fwiend fwom Wome named 'Biggus Dickus.'"

Beware of Geeks: Won't someone think of the Ginsters

John M Ward: John Prescott is *always* thinking of Ginsters!

Dorian Smith: More macs than McDonalds at lunchtime

@JULIANBRAY: Och aye the rank an file putting police out on the street nae munny ye ken....something like that

Eddie Strange: 53 Jocks so far on my count....

Beware of Geeks: @Eddie Strange - you are Gordon Brown and I claim my free bankruptcy card

Dick Scratcher: Mandy likes Olympic Rings

Dick Scratcher: Bernie the Haircut

Rog: Ken Clarke looking like his Madame Tussards facsimile after a small fire.

Midsomer Ethnic: Born to be bullied

Dick the Prick: My right honourable Hooooon

Monday, 14 March 2011

Unearthly music

Take the raw data from the program file for Microsoft paint.exe, import as a PCM audio file, awesome...!

Listen here

h/t bengoldacre

Wednesday, 9 March 2011

Guido's PMQs LiveChat: Keep It Vague Edition

Thanks to Guido for hosting today's LiveChat where the windowlickers gather for Wednesday's PMQs.

Peter Bone got the funniest line in with a great reply from Cam saying: "I wish my wife was as easily pleased!"


Carlos: What's should I have for pudding?

Carlos: Should I use Fairy or Tesco washing up liquid?

John M Ward: Bottle Fairy, Carlos. Oh no, that's a Japanese anime...


Dick Scratcher: Old school tie behind - or is it egg?


Dick Scratcher: Hain Pantone Reference : 815B (Andre’s six pack)


Dick Scratcher: CELEB WATCH: Stuart Golabek (Inverness Caledonian Thistle defender) in public gallery

Dick Scratcher: CELEB WATCH: Stuart Golabek (Inverness Caledonian Thistle defender) in public gallery


Dick Scratcher: LATEST: Al Megrahi’s cactus has just died.

Dick Scratcher: LATEST: Al Megrahi’s watch has just died.


John M Ward: Y'know: if Guido collapsed in the gutter on the way back from the pub', would he become one of those fawkes in the road?


Billy Bowden: If you saw Guido at the beach you would have to start throwing buckets of water over him.


Steve Miliband: David Cameron’s favourite cigarettes are Silk Savings

Steve Miliband: Hague would like 20 Embassies

Steve Miliband: Osborne prefers Benson and Hedgefunds

Dorian Smith: HH looking perky, is it the love beads?

John M Ward: "Poleeth othitherth ??

obangobang: We've lost 12,000 police officers in Libya? F*** me, that was careless.

Tuscan Tony: Two Theresa's, One Cup.

John M Ward: From MacNeil to Neil Carmichael

John M Ward: ...and in a while back to Andrew Neil!

Ed But Look Balls: dildo goggins!

Dick Scratcher: Del Piero: There are a quarter of a million Italians in Britain. And they’ll be made to suffer. Every restaurant, café, ice-cream parlour, gambling den and nightclub in London, Liverpool and Glasgow, will be smashed. Mr Bridger will drive them into the sea.

John M Ward: Was that Caroline Flint's other hair?

Beware of Geeks: Did she just say "Bull****!"?

Tuscan Tony: Gloria de Bonehead.

MrHarryCole: Cracking question from the Bonester

Ed But Look Balls: Bone Alone!

paulwaugh: Brilliantly deft reply from PM to Peter Bone:"I wish my wife was as easy to please"

Steve Miliband: I bet Ed wishes his 'life partner' was easy to please

Tuscan Tony: Michael W, you are a pile of erectile tissue and I claim my offshore trust.

Tuscan Tony: Why is Vince Cable wearing an opium poppy?

Dick the Prick: Sweaty, matted, greasy minge

Tuscan Tony: Don't knock it til you've tried it DtP

Steve Miliband: Al Mehgrahi's great granny's birthday today

Tuscan Tony: Powerful thighs, that Bagshawe woman.

Rog: Ken Clarke going for the partially deflated rubber dinghy look I think.

Dick Scratcher: I’d like to communicate Caroline Flint’s brains out, but what happened to that other great Liebour communicator Tony McNumpty? Anyone seen him?

Tuscan Tony: fist past the paws - Winnie the Pooh porno?

Steve Miliband: Alan titmarsh has fewer plants

Dick Scratcher: He should give Ffion a good ff***ing

John M Ward: Y'know: if Guido collapsed in the gutter on the way back from the pub', would he become one of those fawkes in the road?

John M Ward: Y'know: if Guido collapsed in the gutter on the way back from the pub', would he become one of those fawkes in the road?

Billy Bowden: If you saw Guido at the beach you would have to start throwing buckets of water over him.

Wednesday, 2 March 2011

Guido's PMQs LiveChat: Bomber Dave Edition

Thanks to Guido for hosting today's LiveChat where the windowlickers gather for Wednesday's PMQs.

First one after half term where Red Ed splits his questions. Cameron gets a few laughs with his "brother loyalty" jibe but rather loses it when he tries it the second time.


Carlos: I will making love to my girlfriend after PMQs. What positions should we try?

Tuscan Tony: Try being in the same room as her, Carlos.

Beware of Geeks: Hey, it's Carlos!

John M Ward: Ah, Carlos! First time I noticed you. What's for dinner? ;-)


Beware of Geeks: Beaker's wearing a bright blue tie today

Steve Miliband: Hain clashes with tie

iainmartin1: @JohnRentoul Yes, Cameron and Miliband wearing almost matching outfits but Mili E's tie just a touch more purple


Dick Scratcher: Hain Pantone Reference : 812G (Gaddafi’s Bollocks)


Dick Scratcher: CELEB WATCH: Colin Bean (Pte. Sponge in Dads Army) in public gallery

sophyridge: Sally Bercow beaming down from public gallery in #pmqs


Dick Scratcher: LATEST: Al Megrahi’s Kalashnikov has just died.

Tuscan Tony: newsflash: Al Magrahi's Joshua tree just died.


John M Ward: Hasn't he been cautioned for loitering within tent?


Tuscan Tony: Try saying electrification after lunch with Prezza


Tuscan Tony: I just heard a minister refer to "beard rigging". Whatever could he have meant?

Steve Miliband: Iain martin is expecting a no tie zone

Dick Scratcher: Beaker supressing erection

Tuscan Tony: Send some Somali pirates to Libya.

Dorian Smith: What's going on with Tessa, like a sofa seeping it's stuffing

Dick Scratcher: The Mekon in humble nodding mode

Steve Miliband: socilist run out of other peoples monikers

adamboulton: EM: Why not dump policy? DC: In a moment you are going to give me a lesson on family loyalty.

Ed But Look Balls: Harpic looks like her anal beads are chafing!

Saif Pair of Hands: Mr Speaker wants to get to the bottom

Tuscan Tony: 2000 IT systems=10,000 lunches.

John M Ward: Huhne: "I think, therefore I am - I think..."

The Anglo Saxon: She was caught in bed with Mandy last week thats how butch she is.

Tuscan Tony: Tapsell: Bond villian

Yardarm: Al Megrahi; next President of Libya

Tuscan Tony: Severe poverty=42" plasma

Dorian Smith: Was Pearce a former member of the Sisters Of Mercy?

Airey Belvoir: Is Huhne in despair? Is Carina too rough with the strap-on?

Tuscan Tony: Try saying electrification after lunch with Prezza

Ed But Look Balls: Blenkinsop of Ripping Yarns fame!

Ed But Look Balls: Phil Marrowbone Jelly!

Wednesday, 16 February 2011

Guido's PMQs LiveChat: Beans and Gold Edition

Thanks to Guido for hosting today's LiveChat where the windowlickers gather for Wednesday's PMQs.

Another subdued session today with Red Ed not really landing any punches, although Michael White was spinning like Lord HawHaw on amphetamine on Twitter today.


Billy Bowden: Pink tie by Clegg

iainmartinwsj: @JohnRentoul @martinbeckford Hague wins, as usual, on the neckwear front

iainmartinwsj: RT @amolrajan: and i know i bang on about it every week, but Osborne's tie is unforgivable

John M Ward: Odd orange stripe on his tie...


Dick Scratcher: Hain Pantone Reference : 815B (Mouldy Satsuma)


joncraig: Looks like Sally Bercow in gallery above Govt side of chamber for PMQs. Bright red dress and red tights. Gazing adoringly at hubby John!


Dick Scratcher: LATEST: Al Megrahi’s mobile has just died.


John M Ward: I think that whatever ends up happening with forests, Cameron is lumbered with the eventual decision...


Dick Scratcher: She takes up two postcodes


Billy Bowden: thanks Guido , wonder if a question on world class cancer care in lybia will make it?

Sue Denim: Harman's on Jury Duty - wonder if the crim will be someone she knows?

Dorian Smith: Wonder if Ozzy will have his "these are not the droids you're looking for" look this week

no longer anonymous: osborne grinning like a gimp

Dorian Smith: Is that Servelan from Blakes 7 to the left of Red Ed?

missing bogey picker: about time Lord Haw-Haws fate befell Michael White

iainmartinwsj: Who on earth scalped Mili E?! Haircut too short - like Elvis after they put him in the US army.

Ed But Look Balls: Ed Balls looks like he's squeezing out an SBD fart!

genghiz the khan: red ed like a rabbit stuck in front of a lorry

sophyridge: Ed Miliband's white patch seems to be turning into a white stripe...

journodave: Gosh this is about as boring as a Mumford and Sons album.

mrsspeakernaked: i don't like seeing DC a bit flustered by the funny man opposite with a nasal listhp. I blame the cat

joncraig: Sally Bercow laughs again when hubby John says he wants to hear from Nicholas Soames, who looks like he's had a two black pudding breakfast.

Dick Scratcher: The Wardrobe with his key.

Dick the Prick: Put down that goose pie

C4politics: RT @cathynewman: Sally bercow watching pmqs from public gallery, dressed in more than a sheet

The Enormous Community: one in one out ? it's Dave's Prison policy

Tuscan Tony: Do Labour have a deckchair rearrangement policy?

Dick Scratcher: Anal Duncan sat on a pleaser

John M Ward: Grayling in a Gray suit...

Dick Scratcher: LATEST: Al Megrahi’s mobile has just died.

Tuscan Tony: To be buried with his tortoise, DS.

MrHarryCole: My favorite ever cabbie sourced story was one about Ed Balls brushing Gordon Brown's hair on the way to a restaurant.

Tuscan Tony: moral compost?

Billy Bowden: Is Gordon in the Chamber?

Spank Sinatra: Yes Billy - the chamber pot

paulwaugh: Heckle of the Day. Lab MPs shout "Timber!" as PM says he not happy w forest sell-off policy.

John M Ward: I think that whatever ends up happening with forests, Cameron is lumbered with the eventual decision...

genghiz the khan: Is Hazel doing her own signs for the deaf?

Dick Scratcher: Cable discussing the 2.30 at Chepstow

The Enormous Community: The Big Society isn't Big enough for Pickles

Dick Scratcher: She takes up two postcodes

journodave: Theresa May appears to be wearing your nan's curtains from 1973

Wednesday, 9 February 2011

Guido's PMQs LiveChat: More Banker Bashing Edition

Thanks to Guido for hosting today's LiveChat where the windowlickers gather for Wednesday's PMQs.

An average session today with Red Ed going for the "Big Society" angle of attack which got Cameron a little hot under the collar as did some of his back bencher questions. However, where credit is due, Red Ed made a reference to McRuin with:

"He should not be so angry, it will cloud his judgement. And that's not the first Prime Minister I've said that to"


Dick the Prick: Yellow, Blue, Green - how sweet

John M Ward: Yellow, blue and green ties. Iain Martin will wish to be aware of this...

Dorian Smith: Clegg's tie yellow, Cameron Blue, will Red Ed complete the set? He'll probably have a blank tie.

Praguetory: George doing blue collar

Steve Miliband: Iain Martin;same suit/tie combo

MrHarryCole: Clegg gone for old school yellow. What is this? April 2010? #tiewatch [via Twitter]

Urban Tory: good ties can be used two days in a row, either that or it is a walk of shame

John M Ward: Hmm. Mili's tie *almost* works with that shirt & jacket...

iainmartinwsj: Right, made it to PMQs. I don't... believe... it... Cameron wearing same dark blue tie white shirt again. [via Twitter]

iainmartinwsj: Osborne looking better this week. Single colour tie, but matches it with powder blue shirt. And he's finally had a haircut. #pmqs [via Twitter]


Dick Scratcher: Hain Pantone Reference : 815B (Poisoned apple)


"Morgon, slickande människor..." (Svenska)

sentence substitute
a conventional expression of greeting or farewell used in the morning LiveChat


Dick Scratcher: CELEB WATCH: Anglian TV weather man in public gallery


Dick Scratcher: LATEST: Al Megrahi’s Toyota has just died.


John M Ward: "Argie Bhaji" - an Argentinian Indian-style veggie dish


The Enormous Community: Pickles has lured Clegg to the Pie Side of the Force


Spank Sinatra: Morning seat sniffers

Dick Scratcher: Mandy likes Big Ben

Tuscan Tony: Morgon, slickande människor...

Urban Tory: Does anyone else think bashing your banker should be new slang for having a w***?

Dick Scratcher: What about Bishop Bashing? Why do they have a seat in the Lords FFS?

John M Ward: "Argie Bhaji" - an Argentinian Indian-style veggie dish

Urban Tory: Argie Bhaji, isn't that Tevez's contract negotiations?

Steve Miliband: Osborne twatted Balls yesterday

Spank Sinatra: Nope - I think Osborne has been on the ketamine again

no longer anonymous: osborne now doing an eeyore impression

Dick Scratcher: LATEST: Al Megrahi’s Toyota has just died.

John: "No Mr Balls, I expect you to die!"

Dick Scratcher: CELEB WATCH: Anglian TV weather man in public gallery

Steve Miliband: Ed miliband will demand more vending machines in the sixth form common room

no longer anonymous: whoa, beetroot face

Dick the Prick: Blood pressure seems a bit high on this fellow

Beware of Geeks: Quite a red face - worthy of a Pantone of itself

Spank Sinatra: F*** me - he could explode at any moment - stand back

Bled White Taxpayer: Bit red-faced: too much vino collapso

Dick Scratcher: Hammond playing his organ - Chopin 5th I think

Dick Scratcher: Big Hairy B*****ks Society – which street in Camberwick Green does Dismal Dave live in?

BillyBob: seagull has splattered on Red Eggs hair

Tuscan Tony: Billy: it's the finger mark left by the person who spray painted his head.

MrHarryCole: Cheer up Nick, you could still be a nobody oppostion leader [via Twitter]

Tuscan Tony: CHarities = state funded quangoes stuffed with leftie placemen.

John M Ward: Is that a merrkat on Ed's left? Oh no, it's wee Dougie...

CHUTNEY: there is no big society in Dudley, just a zoo, a castle and a rubbish market

Dorian Smith: Red Ed turning into pepe le pew, without the charm

WoRaft: I think I'd rather see them mud wrestling.

Dick Scratcher: Libraries full of tramps & alkys

no longer anonymous: it's not like dave pikey goes to the library every week to borrow a book

Paulo: No way - her jaw can pick pickled onions out of a jar!

Dick Scratcher: Big Society = Major's Cones Hotline

Beware of Geeks: We should have more KFC and MacDonalds - it'll make it a Big Society

Urban Tory: does LauraK watch PMQs from the gallery?

Beware of Geeks: @Urban Tory - through red rose tinted specs no doubt

Dick Scratcher: Midwives at your cervix

John M Ward: Large girth! Too many lamb Chops in Chope...

Dorian Smith: BBC: "Working for the re-election of the Labour Party - this is what we do".

no longer anonymous: wales? isn't that a giant zoo?

Urban Tory: yeah 7,000,000 sheep. Its more of a Game reserve

Rog: Shouldn't Bercow be lurking under a bridge somewhere, waiting for passing goats?

The Anglo Saxon: Whats Mum from Shameless doing on the front bench ?

The Enormous Community: Pickles has lured Clegg to the Pie Side of the Force

Tuscan Tony: Odd Labour hate rugby with an odd shaped Balls as a shadow chancellor

no longer anonymous: labour must want to ban polo

Rog: Certain Labourites love croquet, though I seem to remember...

Dorian Smith: Angela Smith in bargain jacket from C&A 1985

Ed But Look Balls: Billericay Dicky!

WoRaft: Regulate the dogging sites; pay 'n' display.

Tuscan Tony: Harry is here to make Guido look slim and sexy.

Guido Fawkes: Oi

Ed But Look Balls: Two Oily Vaz Deferens in the HoC!

Dorian Smith: Priti not in pink, going for the adam and the ants look

Friday, 4 February 2011

What precautions to take when being interviewed by the media

An outstanding post from Mark on the WUWT blog after the stitch up on James Delingpole.

A bit of cut n paste for you media whores!

I have some expertise in PR and media relations and here is a primer on handling documentary producers.

Before the interview:

* Do not sign the release form/waiver until after the interview. Do not sign a release form that is a blanket release. Add in a line that limits your release to that day’s date and up to the current time of day. That prevents a subsequent ambush interview also being covered under the released.

* Carefully limit the length of the interview in writing when you agree to the appointment. I suggest a maximum of 30 minutes. No one is usually on camera for more than 90 seconds (if that) and 30 minutes is more than enough time for them to get what they want if they are being straightforward. Giving them more time just lets them go ‘fishing’ for some gaffe or misstatement. Don’t let them.

* Have someone there on your side who is going to be your watchdog. Get someone who doesn’t have trouble disagreeing with people and holding them to their word. They should be like your defense attorney.

* Ask for a specific list of questions in advance. Print it and have it with you.

* If they have any problems granting any of the above, you should take that as an almost certain sign that they are up to no good.

* Assume that they are recording the entire time they are in your presence, even if it appears the camera is off. Once they put a radio microphone on you, carefully manage when it is on and off. Turn it on and off yourself. A good tip is to actually clip it to the back of the chair you are sitting in instead of your belt. That way you can’t forget and wander off with it during a break.

* Try to negotiate the right to see the finished documentary before it is aired. Any producer will be reluctant, even if they are on the up and up because it’s more work. However, how they respond to this discussion can be telling. Point out that you’re not asking for any editorial input (which they would never agree to anyway), you just want to have some idea of what to expect before it airs.

* Remember that ALL professional documentary makers have already decided their angle on the story before they begin. Any claims to the contrary (such as “we’re just taking a neutral look at both sides”), should be taken as evidence that they are not being up front with you. Making a documentary is hard, time-consuming and expensive. They wouldn’t go to all that trouble and expense if they didn’t think they had an important and compelling angle on the story.

* Always research the people and the company making the documentary. When they first contact you ask lots of questions about who’s involved in production, who’s backing the project, which production companies are being used, where it will air, etc. Google all of this and follow the threads. Generally zebras don’t change their stripes.

* A few days before the interview ask who else they’ve already interviewed (to save costs they tend to group production sessions together). If you can, contact those people and ask how it went.

* Just as they are getting ready to roll, reach into your pocket and take out your own audio recorder (or cellphone with recording app) and turn it on saying “you don’t mind if I get this for my notes do you?”

* Doing video interviews is hard. Very hard. Coming across naturally and clearly is tough even for skilled news presenters and politicians. So if an interviewer wants to make you look bad, they have a head start if you’re a novice. This why I strongly suggest doing some practice sessions with a friend. Get out your camcorder, sit down interview style and go through a list of likely questions several times. Have your friend get tricky and try to mess you up. Have fun. Then make some popcorn and watch it. Make notes. Do it again. A little practice is better than none but a lot of practice is ideal.

During the Interview:

* Strictly hold them to the agreed length and remind them when they arrive and when the interview starts.

* Keep your answers very short and very focused. This can take practice because we all like to ramble on. Don’t! It never comes across well, even in a friendly interview.

* After they have asked each question, feel free to take a few moments to collect your thoughts before you start your answer. They will edit out the question anyway. Do not ever let them rush you. Do not ever engage in a rapid fire back and forth because this is where you are most likely to misspeak. Your watchdog friend should feel free to interrupt with “Let’s take a break” right in the middle of a question if they feel it’s appropriate. If you take a break, remember, mic off.

* If you feel like you are in the process of flubbing answer, immediately stop and say “that’s not correct, let me try starting over” and then just start over. Feel free to do this multiple times if necessary. If they try to use the start of your flubbed answer, it will look pretty bad for them when you release your audio recording showing they used something that they knew was “not correct”.

* If they surprise you with a question that you are unprepared to answer. Immediately stand up. The reason is that it can be a very effective technique to ask their “zinger” and let the shot hang on your uncomfortable expression. If you stand up, the camera shot is of your zipper – something they are unlikely to linger on for very long. Keep in mind that standing up is the only sure way to “scrub” an interview shot. Feel free to use it as often as needed. A good pretext can be reaching over to get your print out of the questions so you can note that this question wasn’t on there.

* If it is becoming clear that this is a hostile interview, don’t waste time making grand points that eloquently prove your case. If it’s good for your position, they simply won’t use it. This is like a legal deposition or police questioning. What you say can only be bad for you, never good.

* You may need to question the question if it’s of the “when did you stop beating your wife” category. This is perfectly acceptable to do. It’s your interview too. However, never have this kind of discussion with the mic on or in view of the camera. There is usually an additional shotgun mic on the camera that provides a less perfect but still usable audio feed if they choose. Also keep in mind that the interviewer’s radio mic can pick you up as well if they are within a few feet of you.

* If the interviewer keeps circling back and re-asking basically the same question in different ways, that means that he’s not happy with how your response is coming across. In a hostile situation this means you are doing very well! Now the key is to simply smile and “play broken record”. Keep repeating the exact same answer verbatim. Do not expand on it. Do not add to it. Nada. This might feel uncomfortable at first but just do it. They can’t use what they don’t have.

* When you feel that you’ve said what you want them to have then feel free to end the interview (even if the half-hour isn’t up). Just stand up, turn off the mic, grab your recorder, make some polite excuse and make like Elvis and leave the building. Let your watchdog observe them as they pack up and leave.

After the Interview:

* Before they leave, they may want to get what is called “B-Roll” footage of you walking about your environs. Whether you decide to grant this request or not will depend on how things have gone up to this point. If you are sure they are hostile or are unsure, then I suggest not granting this. It won’t help your position and it will give them lots of footage over which they can add their own narrative that will probably be damning to you.

* If they do turn out to be hostile to your position then, sadly, the best you can hope for is that they don’t use any of your interview at all. That means that they didn’t get anything from you that would help them make their case. Congratulations! That’s as close to a perfect score as you can hope for in this twisted game.

I hope that helps…

Wednesday, 2 February 2011

Guido's PMQs LiveChat: Don’t Mention Manufacturing Edition

Thanks to Guido for hosting today's LiveChat where the windowlickers (or as Tuscan Tony likes to call us: fenestral slaverers or for the Latin scholars, lingua fenestras) gather for Wednesday's PMQs.

Rather dull with RedEd and Cam trying to outdo each other in the "who can be the better statesman" department rather than the more entertaining bun fight we look forward too.

Lots of Dodgy Ties of the Week this session with blue being the satorial choice of many:

John M Ward: Dave has a *light* blue tie this week...

Billy Bowden: Clegg wearing a pink tie , and a pink minger behind him

Billy Bowden: Hains tie is brighter than his skin !!!

Spank Sinatra: Blue ties must be on a BOGOF this week

Beware of Geeks: Sort your tie out Kris

Thanks as always to Dick Scratcher with his Hain Pantone Reference, a rather cheeky 815B (Tonto’s cock)

Pun of the Week's runner up is PunMeister himself John M Ward with:

John M Ward: "Oliver healed". Well, that's good news ;-)

but today's winner has to be Steve Miliband with a very clever:

Steve Miliband: Polycephaly is a condition of having more than one Ed

Best line of the Week runner up went to Tuscan Tony for:

Tuscan Tony: I see twelve fingers and the marks of a banjo string.

but newcomer equity abhors a maxim has it with a topical:

equity abhors a maxim: Kent's been Pfizted!

Here are the highlights:-

Steve Miliband: Devine intervention

Tuscan Tony: Morning lingua fenestras, as we latin Skolars say.

Dick the Prick: Fabricant looking beautifully bouffant

Steve Miliband: Polycephaly is a condition of having more than one Ed

Creamwhitebone: Ed has a grape behind him and an orange on his right....any more fruit?

Dick the Prick: Ed's taking lessons from Mubarak

Tuscan Tony: Ed's self interested, has a surprise honeymoon hol to Sharm el Sheik booked

Tuscan Tony: 25 consular staff with beach toowels and snorkels.

Dick Scratcher: Harman wants milking til she moos

Tuscan Tony: Ed should ask how many mummies have appeared on ebay so far, and has Cherie bid for any?

Steve Miliband: Where's Harrison Ford when you need him.

Ed But Look Balls: Ed's last question will be "Dave have you a biggun"!!

John M Ward: Dazza: Ed can never look more than "New Statesman"-like ;-)

no longer anonymous: i would have maximum respect for bercow if he got up and said "this really is a load of boring s***"

Beware of Geeks: Clegg looks strained

Dick the Prick: @BoG - sphincter issues

Tuscan Tony: Has Ed been bought and paid for by the Tories?

Steve Miliband: Maths, Physics, lunch, history, english, prep. That's your timetable Ed

Dorian Smith: Couple of Labour backbenchers spotted playing battleships, it's that boring

Tankus: milibands mother is in the gallery perhaps ...want to impress

Spank Sinatra: Hain's just cracked one off

glenoglaza: #pmqs peace breaks out at PMQs. Miliband under-arm bowling on Egypt & Afghanistan. Interesting tactic

Dick Scratcher: Bring back Geoffrey Howe FFFFFFS

Tuscan Tony: Bring back the dead sheep, Scratcher

no longer anonymous: and now on to pakistan - it's like a world tour

Beware of Geeks: Harman looked like she just sucked a lemon

Beware of Geeks: ...which is the nickname she calls her husband I believe

no longer anonymous: that guy certainly looks like his parents share the same parents

Tuscan Tony: I see twelve fingers and the marks of a banjo string.

Dorian Smith: East anglia - "High sixes"

MrHarryCole: Why did Vernon get a big cheer? Is it happy hour? Has he relaxed his door policy?

Spank Sinatra: Nipples like chapel hat pegs

Steve Miliband: Scammel Wheel nuts

Tuscan Tony: They could all become caddies on the excellent Royal St Georges.

equity abhors a maxim: Kent's been Pfizted!

Charlie: Cabbage pickers of Kent unite!

Dick Scratcher: Nadine likes flames licking up her chimney

MrHarryCole: RT @craigawoodhouse: Even a question about Viagra makers Pfizer can't pep this PMQs up. Very quiet session.

no longer anonymous: i didn't realise the welsh were allowed to vote

potemkin: PMQs don't mention adultery edition

Dick Scratcher: LATEST: Al Megrahi’s hard drive has just died.

Beware of Geeks: A cunning plan Baldry

Tuscan Tony: Support fo the mentally ill, Dave, like the ex-PM?

John M Ward: Zac at the back!

Spank Sinatra: Yes - free polo horses for fish

Double Dip: Pfizer's viagra job cuts won't be geting the growth up for Georgie

Govt-by-Cluster-F***: balls practising his "Gordoom glower"

Dick Scratcher: Lord Strathclyde likes diving

Trinny: parachute company in freefall

John M Ward: "Oliver healed". Well, that's good news ;-)

Spank Sinatra: Think it would be more fun sticking a glass of wasps up my arse frankly

no longer anonymous: privatise the forests just to annoy labour

Steve Miliband: Leaf it out

Tuesday, 1 February 2011

Cat vs Printer - The Translation

Monday, 31 January 2011

Recycling my recycle bins

Well, it had to happen after the last post.

Yes, in an über effort of greenness on my behalf and a token nod to the 10 items of recycling containers that have been dumped on my driveway without any explanation from the council, I've finally recycled my recycle bins.

Yeah, I feel I've done my part.

Wednesday, 26 January 2011

Guido's PMQs LiveChat: "Negative Growth" Edition

Thanks to Guido for hosting today's LiveChat where the windowlickers (or as Tuscan Tony likes to call us: fenestral slaverers – nice one!) gather for Wednesday's PMQs.

Quite a good one today with Cameron on fiery form and RedEd inevitably playing the Coulson joker which Cameron batted away with some ease.

Lots of Dodgy Ties of the Week this session and the unusual situation of having so many MPs having ties with various strange hues of green:

Dick Scratcher: Nice tie toenails !!!

Dick Scratcher: daughter has a pair of knickers that pattern

JULIANBRAY DUCKHOUSE: Loads of Blue ties on the COALITION front bench

John M Ward: Lavender tie on Ed-M...

JULIANBRAY DUCKHOUSE: purple tie pretentions of lordship

John M Ward: Interesting colour (green) tie...

iainmartinwsj: Bad shirt/tie combo from Ed Balls, pale lilac tie with pale lilacish shirt shld be a non-starter. Philip Hammond properly dressed BTW

Thanks as always to Dick Scratcher with his Hain Pantone Reference:

Hain Pantone Reference : 819G (Punkawalla Piri Piri)

Pun of the Week is awarded to PunMeister Special John M Ward when referring to Labour's Elizabeth Truss for:

John M Ward: Coo! Those are big beads around her neck. Perhaps it's a form of truss...

Although Tuscan Tony almost pipped the post with his pun aimed at Labour's Hot Totty, Stella Creasy:

Tuscan Tony: Stella can have a pint of mine.

Best line of the Week goes to Dick Scratcher with the outrageously five fingered shuffled:

Dick Scratcher: Is it “sexistismistic” to state that I would like to shoot my fat all over Caroline Flint’s face?

Here are the highlights:-

Dick Scratcher: Nice tie toenails !!!

Dick Scratcher: daughter has a pair of knickers that pattern

Tuscan Tony: Morning fenestral slaverers

John M Ward: Howdy gang. Earwig-o again!

Dick Scratcher: Is it “sexistismistic” to state that I would like to shoot my fat all over Caroline Flint’s face?

Genghiz the Kahn: flint looks like a giraffe.

jgm2: @Ghengiz - looking like a giraffe is Harman's job.

Ed But Look Balls: Flint's Fat Fighs on view!

Dick the Prick: Balls looking tres smug. Ian got the strap-on again this morning?

John M Ward: What is that strange pattern on Caroline Flint's top/dress? Reminds me of something from a Horror Channel trailer...

Tuscan Tony: Flinty: she should be a footie linesgirl.

Beware of Geeks: First dig at Balls

Tuscan Tony: scratch rather than dig, BoG

stormforce: Did Gordon throw tippexth on rEd's head?

Dick the Prick: Ed looks very smart - his mum will be proud. Musn't be late for tea though - fish fingers tonight

Tuscan Tony: Economy was growing because you borrowed £ 300bn. Fantasist.

joolzg: golden inheritence, good one

Beware of Geeks: Balls... a face and look you never tire of punching

the money shot: the four letter C word-------CUTS

John M Ward: Ed'th thurprithed...

Tuscan Tony: I have to laugh: the two Eds- woudl it be possible to choose two more hilarious muppets?

Dick Scratcher: Better to quote Dickie Davies - "And now the wrestling..."

obangobang: Oh dear. He's fired the Coulson bazooka and it blew up in his face.

Joe T: Ed's just been shadow chancelowned

Govt-By-Cluster-F***: Balls has got that "Gordon" look

JULIANBRAY DUCKHOUSE: just opened a bottle of Courage Directors ----Moats Moggy

Beware of Geeks: I wonder if we could have a PMQs where ever time a question isn't answered Esther McVey takes an item of clothing off

Tuscan Tony: BoG: or Harriet puts another bag over her head.

Beware of Geeks: I would bring back Gordon to ensure all clothes are removed by the eigth question

John M Ward: Back on track now, with a Geordie glottle-stopper...

John M Ward: "In the interest of furrness" ??

John M Ward: Coo! Those are big beads around her neck. Perhaps it's a form of truss...

Tuscan Tony: Pearl necklace, John Ward

Dorian Smith: "Is that Clare Short's sister?" - could be her stunt double

John M Ward: "Clare Short" "stunt double". If that Short, more like a stunted double...

Dick Scratcher: LATEST: Al Megrahi’s tortoise has just died.


jgm2: @JulianBray - because the Labour councillor's brother runs the local Mobility franchise.

Urban Tory: looks like she's got Bagpuss on her head

Beware of Geeks: I've found Mrs Slocombe's pussy!

the last quango in paris: the speaker is sounding more and more like the bloke from bullseye

Dick Scratcher: LATEST : The BBC are launching a political game show in Spring. Contestants Martin Sorrell, Gerry Robinson, Jonathan Powell, Martin Amis and Christopher Meyer will compete to establish which one of them is anatomically furthest up their own arse.

iainmartinwsj: That Osborne shirt today is an absolute stinker. One of his spads needs to take charge of Chancellors wardrobe, and get him a haircut

Jolly Roger: Stella Creasy? I prefer Atella Artois

Tuscan Tony: Stella can have a pint of mine.

Dick Scratcher: Blackpool...full of slags. (Not complaining)

Dick Scratcher: Does she live under a bridge?

Wednesday, 19 January 2011

Guido's PMQs LiveChat: Fags and Booze for All Editional

Thanks to Guido for hosting today's LiveChat where the windowlickers gather for Wednesday's PMQs.

A much more lively event this time round with RedEd splitting his questions between the recently announced unemployment figures and the NHS. Dave was on much better form this time and was quick on his feet to pretty much wipe the floor with RedEd's questions. However, there is a noticeable McRuin trait which Dave is adopting: the lack of a direct answer to a question.

Once again big thanks to our print specialist Dick Scratcher for Pantone Watch - this time a Hain Pantone Reference : 814B (Paisley’s Sash) but Steve Miliband pre-empted with "Letwin Red" but failed to provide an allocated number.

Dodgy Tie of the Week had a couple of contributors with our ever watchful sartorial spy Tiewatcher and an eagle eyed John Ward:

Tiewatcher: assumed the Garrick tie was Ken Clarke, but clearly not

John M Ward: Pastel striped tie on Baldry.

Tiewatcher: Nice coalition tie from Birtwistle

There was no Labour Parody of the Week unless you counted Michael White's Haw Haw like gibberish on Twitter and as one windowlicker stated, it's funny how Michael White never commented on the fact that McRuin never used to answer a question. Quite.

Pun of the Week is awarded as usual to the groanmaster himself John Ward with the excellent effort of:

John M Ward: Yes, Steve: Brazier always brings the burning issues to the House!

Dick Scratcher wins the Line with the Most Profanities targeted at Bercow's rather whimsical anecdote when trying to quieten the house:

Dick Scratcher: F*** off Berc***

And the Best Line of the Week was shared with a classic old one-two play to use football parlance between Dick Scratcher and no longer anonymous:

Dick Scratcher: Blunkett's dog had that leg for lunch

Dick Scratcher: ...or maybe Eric Pickles ate it?

no longer anonymous: pickles, dislocate your jaw and prepare to swallow

Here are the highlights:-

Praguetory: Mithker Thpeaker complathenthy It's not a lisp. It's idiocy escaping through the sides of his moronic mouth

Dick Scratcher: The Elephant Man gave him elocution lessons

Guest: Thirteen years to f*** it up, eight months to sort it out.

Dorian Smith: Today's labour trolls are sponsored by PennyRed's researcher, they are obviously flush with cash. Is Red Ed wearing a retainer?

Steve Miliband: Rumble in the jungle of oldham

no longer anonymous: osborne on mushrooms

nabidana: Osborne looks like he's going to hurl

Spank Sinatra: Ed - I'll have a coffee, one sugar and just a dash of milk please .....

Spank Sinatra: Pickles looks like he has that final wafer thin mint and is set to explode

no longer anonymous: has pickles eaten miliband?

Dick Scratcher: Chris Bryant likes night sticks

Spank Sinatra: Mr Y-fronts

Praguetory: More panto

Dick Scratcher: Triumph Sodomite

guidofawkes: Ooh get her #pmqs [via Twitter]

Dick the Prick: New Jersey just sacked half its coppers - it started in America after all.

obangobang: Brazier's on fire!! Sorry, I'll get my coat.

John M Ward: Yes, Steve: Brazier always brings the burning issues to the House!

Steve Miliband: Brazier's career will go up in smoke

Billy Bowden: Shut up Bercow !!!!!!

Dick Scratcher: F*** off Berc***

Spank Sinatra: Stand up Bercow

no longer anonymous: mithter thpeaker, can i have an ethtenthion on my homework?

Spank Sinatra: Harpic looks as though she can smell a disaster

Dr Bombastic: who stole Hattie's breasts?

Labour bankrupted the UK: Hey Ed, how long is a piece of string...

no longer anonymous: like a younger john major without the charisma

Dick Scratcher: Blunkett's dog had that leg for lunch

Dick Scratcher: ...or maybe Eric Pickles ate it?

no longer anonymous: pickles, dislocate your jaw and prepare to swallow

nabidana: Sir Peter Tapsell, AKA Young Mr Grace. 'You're all doing very well'.

Dorian Smith: Goodman for next Miss Marple

nabidana: From behind, in the dark, she looks like Darth Vader.

Praguetory: Who cut her hair?

Billy Bowden: David blunkett?

no longer anonymous: david blunkett's dog

no longer anonymous: pickles looks enraged

concrete pump: I think you'll find that's 'engorged'.

Beware of Geeks: Pickles looks like he's hatching a large Ginsters

Wavy Davy: Eric Pickles ate blunkett's dog.

Spank Sinatra: Possibly the most boring man in the world?

John M Ward: Just woken up: what was that question?

Spank Sinatra: Imagine being stuck beside him on a long-haul flight

John M Ward: Not so much (Naomi) Long as Wide!

obangobang: A cunning plan, Baldry?

Dick Scratcher: LATEST: Al Megrahi’s id has just died.

John M Ward: Re joncraig's tweet just now: there's no fool like an old Foulkes...

no longer anonymous: michael white is satan's way of annoying humanity

Monday, 17 January 2011

Friday, 14 January 2011

The Invasion of the Dusty Bins

A legion of Dusty Bin’s greener cousins has just invaded our road: it appears the local council have decided we too are to join the tortured Proletarier Menschen and start our own state run refuse sorting and recycling mini industries. We now have a total of 10 bins, boxes and sacks of various hues.

And to make matters worse, there’s a complicated timetable of collection schedules ranging from weekly and fortnightly all on different days.

I’m going to need a bigger calendar.

There’s the blue box for bottles, tin cans, no plastics; the blue paper sack for squiff mags and the associated used tissues; a mini green box with lid for food wastes; a grey mini box with lid for, er, food wastes – ah I see, the green one is for leaving outside, the grey one inside. WTF? Sod that, I’ll keep the green one inside and throw away the grey. A clear sack for batteries and spectacles? Spectacles? A black sack for textiles (yeah, like I’ve got a living room full of illegal immigrants weaving away making carpets), a black box for plastics and a green bin and sack for garden waste.

Which begs the question: why don’t they just have two black bins collected once a week where everything goes to a big tanker headed off to China where it can be recycled en masse and cheaper?

Well, I’m just going to put the little refuse I have in the black bin and throw the other stuff away. I’m sick of this nonsense. I put a notice up outside my house last year to stop the free newpapers because I was tired of the piles of rotting newsprint stinking the place out. The small contents of my paper shredder make excellent fire starters from the addressed correspondence that I receive.

Also, another thing I hate about the blue box (tins, glass and aerosols, no plastic) is the delightful little early morning front shower it gives you when you lift it up. You see, in their collective wisdom, someone on the blue box designer team thought that if we put some small holes in the bottom of the blue box, then when it rains, the blue box won’t become full of rainwater and become too heavy to lift. Well, as I always say, that’s fine on paper but in practise? Nope, the blue box is lying on the concrete floor and the holes are flush with the ground and are sealed so the rain water does indeed accumulate in the blue box. Why aren’t the holes recessed? Ah, costs, of course...

So bleary eyed, tired and grumpy in the dark, wintery mornings when you pick the blue box up, the water pours out the holes onto your trousers like you’ve been carrying at arm’s length a quadruplet of incontinent, pissing babies. And heavens forbid if you’ve left the dregs of half a dozen bottles of Châteauneuf-du-Pape in there as the stench and colour of that vinegary wine is added to the foul mixture of the morning wakeup call.

Mind you, you get some sympathy at the workplace because everyone at work thinks you’ve got a severe case of kidney stones.

Thursday, 13 January 2011

Labour: Education has improved over 13 years

I was brutally awoken this morning by the sudden, hard onset of a wall of high blood pressure when I heard Nick Ferrari on LBC pose this question to one of Labour's Shadow Education ministers, Kevin Brennan:

"So Mr Brennan, do you believe that education has improved over the last 13 years under Labour?"

Brennan replied:

"Yes, education has improved under Labour"

I started furiously reaching out for my mobile to ring in but fortunately other listeners had got there before me. The anger was palpable. Accusations live on air included “liar”, "they should hang their heads in shame", “there should be a law against MP’s lying like that”, “rubbish” and many more. Caller after caller.

I have never, ever heard any MP admit they were wrong. Ever. I suspect that it’s due to the media training that teaches them never admit liability for anything and never answer a direct question unless you can convey your latest policy line or spin.

Journalists should simply state to these “education deniers” that they are liars and unless they retract that statement, the interview is over. Plain and simple.

The last caller summed up the situation quite well. He was a teacher and had been teaching for the last 30 years and stated quite categorically that standards had dropped and compared an O-level maths paper with a GCSE and said a C in the O-level paper would be the equivalent of an A* nowadays.

There was also mention that modules were being removed from certain subjects because pupils found them too hard, especially maths and the sciences and some schools, in order to improve their league positions, encouraged the pupils take the easier subjects e.g. Travel and Tourism instead of Geography.

Glad to see Michael Gove at least attempting to tackle this one.

Wednesday, 12 January 2011

Guido's PMQs LiveChat: Bonus Banker Bashing Edition

Thanks to Guido for hosting today's LiveChat where the window lickers gather for Wednesday's PMQs.

Once again big thanks to Dick Scratcher for Pantone Watch - this time a Hain Pantone Reference : 813F (Jamie's Carrot Soup).  A nice topical cameo appearance from Calamity Clegg as well!

Some Dodgy Tie comments for Labour's Nick Dakin from John Ward:

Light pink tie on Nick Dakin...

Other contributors:

JULIAN BRAY DUCKHOUSE: Clegg last Tie standing pop rating -9999%

Tiewatcher: Nice tie from Gloucester

Some Vulcan Watch news as John Redwood was mentioned:

Beware of Geeks: Vulcan alert

Urban Tory: Star Trek jokes are not cool Ed

John Ward: Vulcan alert? "Fascinating!"

Far stronger personal attacks from both sides of the house which raised a few eyebrows but overall a little dull.

Here are the highlights:-

Urban Tory: I will pay cash money for anyone who harass Harry

Nick Cleggs Right Foot: ready to kick a child!!

Dick Scratcher: Why does Brillo pretend he likes cricket ?????

Urban Tory: Because Scots love hitting balls with bats

Dick Scratcher: Where is Old Holborn these days???

Guido Fawkes: He watched V for Vendetta one too many times and went insane

Calamity Clegg: We shall not kick the Bankers when we can kick small children.

Calamity Clegg: Tough on tots, tough on the causes of tots.

Dick Scratcher: Julia Gillard likes it damp

Beware of Geeks: UT - Nick looks like his puppy has died

Urban Tory: BoG - It looks like he did it too

Rog: Clegg looking glummer than Prescott at a health farm..

Tuscan Tony: Why is there a sack of potatoes in a burnt orange carpet placed behind Dave?

Calamity Clegg: I will kick any talk of a Euro referendum into touch.

Tuscan Tony: Gloucester=concrete dunghill

Secret Lemonade Drinker: Osbourne needs a holiday somewhere hot. He's very pasty. Maybe Thailand with a few ladyboys?

John Ward: EdM's tie was a small splash of colour in an otherwise grey landscape.

Tuscan Tony: Is Ed getting his hair cut in stages?

John Ward: Alan Johnson making the noises and gestures, but he still doesn't understand his portfolio...

Tuscan Tony: Does the Tory web site have a gunsight targetted on the bankers?

Calamity Clegg: My father was a Banker you know. He used to kick fiscal responibility into me.

JULIAN BRAY DUCKHOUSE: Milli will have to raise the game to a new level say 2 inches...

Urban Tory: what is Cwismas?

John Ward: UT: It comes after Thankthgiving...

Roger Thornhill: Has Johnson been at Hain's jar of plenty

JULIAN BRAY DUCKHOUSE: Hey Gordon brown is in the house! Oh no its a gargoyle on the end of the bench

Steve Miliband: Buzz lightweight

obangobang: If councils don't close the roads, the TUC will.

Dorian Smith: Muddered - is he from Taggart?

Tuscan Tony: Woyal Wedding

Dorian Smith: Bernard jenkins got his mum to fix his tie.

Secret Lemonade Drinker: ALAN: IT'S GRIM UP NORTH LONDON.

Alan: Kenneth Clarke looks ready for lunch at Simpsons on The Strand

Beware of Geeks: Dinenage

Dick Scratcher: HOW!

weybridgeman: Osbourne's drugs are wearing off - he's just staring into the abyss now.

weybridgeman: Nick de Bois MP for Epping Forest - CLASSIC!

Calamity Clegg: Why should it be true, Dave.. that I get a Kick out of you

Dick Scratcher: Mandy likes a big yellow chopper