Total Nutter Sparky

My favourite parrot!

Guido's PMQs LiveChat: Growth Week Edition

Thanks to Guido for hosting today's LiveChat where the window lickers gather for Wednesday's PMQs.  Bit of a dull one today with a few of the familiar plants coming from the Conservatives in much the same way as they did with Labour.

A brief Labour Parody of the Week from MARTIN DAY with: "SOMEONE PUT DAVID CAMERON OUT OF MISERY" which was a grammatically challenged putdown, as to be expected with Labour "prizes and consequently ignorance for all" education over the last 13 years or so.

The best line of the week returns to John Ward with a topical mention of an observation of the delectable Ms Berger:

"Lucy Arner is obvious the exception that proves the rule about Labour females being ugly."

Here are the highlights:-

Beware of Geeks: Morning Guido, morning fellow window lickers! Another PMQs, another set of Labour denials

Beware of Geeks: I can say with some sense of certainty that drinking homemade cherry brandy until 02:00am gives you a cracking hangover that only a midday vodka and tonic can cure!

Guido Fawkes: as does going out for lunch yesterday drinking through till four am

Labour bankrupted the UK: My tax bill is experiencing growth thanks to Labour.

Hugh Jardon: mr speaker..can I start by blowing my bloody nose. FFS!!

Beware of Geeks: Set nostrils to bunged Mr Sulu

Unemployed Tory: Ed Miliband needs Just For Men, it looks like he has a bird shit in his head

Dorian Smith: This week's Labour Trolls sponsored by RMT

Tuscan Tony: IS Ed wearing Sir Les Patterson'as teeth?

Dick the Prick: Get a f**king job?

Billy Bowden: Get a f**king job !!!!!!!

Billy Bowden: Snap Dick lol

Dick the Prick: Great minds Billy

Billy Bowden: Wouldnt go that far Dick lol

Urban Tory: Ed is poo

Tuscan Tony: Urban, is he a friend of Mark Oaten's?

Praguetory: Clegg's a 30 woman man.

ali: being questioned by Ed must be like being savaged by a sheep: unexpected and ultimately hilarious

John Ward: Munt is four-fifths of a Mount...

Tuscan Tony: Tessa and the Munters.

Spank Sinatra: Pickles set to explode

Beware of Geeks: Has Pickles got his own gravity field?

Tuscan Tony: Kate looks increasingly like Kevin Keegan

John Ward: Typical SNP SNIPing...

Dazza: I'm in Wales this week... should I worry?

Dr Bombastic: i'm in hospital this week - should I worry?????

Beware of Geeks: I'd like to see Luciana's burger

Tuscan Tony: Cheese or bacon BoG?

Dick the Prick: @BoG - Nicely roasted

Beware of Geeks: How can someone that beautiful (after a large vodka) be a Labour bod? Nature has some explaining

John Ward: Lucy Arner is obvious the exception that proves the rule about Labour females being ugly.

Praguetory: Luciana will have to provide relief for geeks herself

Nick2: Modest Nestegg? Liver damage on their 18th birthday, more like.

Tuscan Tony: What's she smuggling in that skirt?

John Ward: None eaten? I've eaten, just before PMQs!

Urban Tory: not everyone is as well preped as you John

Dick the Prick: @JW - yellow card

Spank Sinatra: She's just been shagged in the toilets [Emma Reynolds]

Brown got us Here!: Flelloatio!!

Tuscan Tony: Is Flellow his real name?

BillyBob.: she has eaten all the pies in Gateshead !!

John Ward: That jacket reminds me of some front garden paths...

Praguetory: What's she wearing - a harpoon

Dick the Prick: Whoa - step away from the pie

BillyBob.: she is using her full meal allowance methinks

Beware of Geeks: @BillyBob, and probably some of Prescott's emergency funds

Beware of Geeks: Bercow: "I have a short statement to make: my wife's a goer

Tuscan Tony: Hardly news Bog.

Guido's PMQs LiveChat: Axe Wednesday Edition

Thanks to Guido for hosting today's LiveChat where the window lickers gather for Wednesday's PMQs.  Red Ed starts to fluster in a remarkably similar way to MacMental: lots of "m-m-m-m-m-mr speaker" stuff and that dreadful nasal whining is starting to grate.  Dave was on good form, better than the other week but still lacks the "car crash PMQs" we've missed with the stammering, brooding MacMental.

Carlos is still MIA, Harman wasn't wearing her Giraffe Suit again and Dick Scratcher gave the very important Hain Pantone Reference: 819E (Tango Ember).

Looks like Red Ed was the winner in the Dodgy Tie of the Week.  Billy Blofeld said: "Tie error by Miliband. Gone for violet rather than regal purple".

Our Labour Parody of the Week was newbie Jimmy Jobby who said: "THE PUBLIC SECTOR IS THE ENGINE OF THE RECOVERY, OSBORNE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND THIS".  Well Jimmy, us business owners can assure you with that attitude the UK economy and any potential employees are completely safe as you have absolutely no idea how wealth creation works and would be incapable of running a business.

Best Line of the Week goes to Sarf of the River with a topical comment on an MP who looked remarkably like Mama Cass: 

She could do with a massive cut to her diet

Here's the rest of the highlights- enjoy!



Mitch: Looking forward to advice on tightening our belts from the millionaire chancellor


Trinny: BBC has a helicopter up to cover cuts. No concept of the word irony

Sarf of the River: I'm wetting my underwear here. I can't contain my excitement for much longer.

Dick Scratcher: I’d like to fill Laura K’s chamber.

John Ward: BBC camera direction "cut to the Bone!"

Billy Blofeld: Mithter, mithter speaker.....

Dick Scratcher: Birds**t Milliband Sponsored by Vicks Sinex Nasal Spray.

Roger Thornhill: "The Miliband Streak"

ChristianJMay: Oh dear, Ed Miliband is really struggling here. Plus he has Tip-Ex in his hair...

guidofawkes: Did Cast Iron Dave just say he'd freeze payments to the EU for 7 years?

Sarf of the River: The case about EU funding doesn't have to be made across Europe, it can be made in 5 minutes from Westminster. WTF are you on Dave?

Beware of Geeks: Red Ed does need to get that beak sorted

Billy Blofeld: Hush Puppy - crap joke. Miliband is losing it.....

torybear: Is he.. is he.. is he saying.. is he.. is he.. is he..

John Ward: Izzy? Izzy?

Steve Miliband: Bird s**ts on Shadow PM's hairs shock

joncraig: Great gag from Ed Miliband on Clarke part of "squeezed middle". Good gag from Cameron too about Ken having "bottom". Lively start!

Dick Scratcher: Pickles eating cow pie again.

Dorian Smith: Ed Milliband the master of student politics

Dick Scratcher: Ozzy learning his lines - all white & powdery

Roger Thornhill: Reminds me of Pit the Younger from Bladder II - Dish and Dishonesty

Urban Tory: Is it wrong that I am enjoying watching Ed die live on TV?

Dick Scratcher: Alan Johnson - fried egg eyes

Labour bankrupted the UK: Has Ed been taking lessons from Gordon for PMQs?

Dorian Smith: Today's Labour trolls are sponsored by Unite and The Union Modernisation Fund

John Ward: Yes, Dorian: the pink dinosaurs in the Unions :-)

politicshomeuk: Cameron: "I know it is a novel concept... but in this government the prime minister and the chancellor speak to each other"

Sofamonkey: Ed's ineptitude is difficult to watch, proper car crash TV

JULIAN BRAY sale edition: Can't wait Harrier Pilots being signed up by Ryanair... last question ...wasted so far

Unemployed Tory: PMQ's is sponsored by Top Gun today

Dick the Prick: UT - Iceman!

Unemployed Tory: I weeeeent tooooooo the Daaaaanger Zone

Public School Whipping: Enjoy the 15 years of opposition guys. You picked a real winner. For the Tories!!

Down with Brown!: Milliband couldn't have been much worse if he set himself on fire.

iaindale: So go on, my lefty friends, tell me now that Ed Miliband came out on top this week. Don't make me laugh

Dick Scratcher: FYI Rosie Winterton will be shagging Two Jags this aft in car park.

Dick Scratcher: Niallpaterson reminds me of that Gestapo officer in Where Eagles Dare.

Rats arse: Why are all Labour women so ugly?

Down with Brown!: Ed Milliband = Ed Moribund.

Sarf of the River: She could do with a massive cut to her diet

Beware of Geeks: I see the Mamas and Papas are still going

JULIAN BRAY sale edition: chilean mine shaft opening under ed miliband after todays performance....

Beware of Geeks: Tom Watson - who gorged all the pies?

Urban Tory: its two seats watson

Praguetory: Should Tom Watson employ his family?

Beware of Geeks: Should Tom Watson's family be protected from being gorged by the pie monster himself?

Roger Thornhill: Render TomW to lard and power a small town in Lincolnshire

John Ward: Tom Watson second only to Pickles in the girth measurement dept.

Billy Blofeld: Unemployment of Diversity Officers is a price worth paying

Beware of Geeks: You cannot attack a plan if you don't have a plan - quite right - liebour are an irrelevence

Dick Scratcher: Twigg seems like a nice boy

Praguetory: Twigg looks a bit like our generous host.

Urban Tory: I've never seen Guido and Twigg in the same room, hmmm

Brown got us Here!: Twigg lives at Albert Cock

JULIAN BRAY sale edition: Send in the Hoons.......

Dick the Prick: Faabricant looking bouffant

Hugh Jazz: the bbc have the knives out today- its like they're watching a different pmqs!

Beware of Geeks: I'm jealous of Selous's good looks

Billy Blofeld: Paul Whicker the Tall Vicar - an old Viz character - seems to be an MP now

Dick Scratcher: Glenoglaza = Italian window shine

More BBC bias

From the Spectator's Coffeehouse:

The MSM reporting of the cuts has been near-hysterical at times, and woefully lacking in any sense of balance. The BBC, in particular, has no excuse: it has an economics team and a mandate to be a public service broadcaster. Why did it make no mention of the other side of this coin? Is there a D-Notice on good economic news that we haven’t been told about?

Fraser Nelson

TV Licence

A post I did on Corrugated Soundbite's great blog:

I cancelled the telly tax sometime ago – I hardly watched TV as most of the stuff was abysmal, such as X-factor, Strictly Come Lap Dancing and other panem et circenses programs. As for the news, it was either sensationalised trivia, celebrity worship or in the case of the BBC, outright bias which had me reaching for the bendroflumethiazide.

If there are any programs I want to watch I either watch on demand or rent/buy the bluray DVDs. Being a geek, I have networked, using CAT6 cabling, the entire house and can stream media to any TV or PC in the house using NMTs.

Life is much better without TV, it’s more fulfilled and hours of your life are not simply wasted in silence watching angry soaps full of cliché repeating, angry chav-like actors. I like spending time reading debates on blogs, selecting online news from different countries for a wider perspective. Suddenly, news becomes more of a discussion than a one way stream of propaganda. It’s quite liberating.

Cancelling the licence is simple: one phone call, one cancelled direct debit, tear up the letters as they arrive and most importantly: one notice of “implied right of access denied for the following companies: Capita, TV Licensing and the BBC”.

The TV Licensing guy that eventually turned up at my place walked up my drive, read the notice, scratched his head, made a call on his mobile and went away, never to be seen again. And the letters suddenly stopped.

I know most people think you need a TV licence if you own a TV. That’s wrong, it’s any device used to receive live broadcast. You can use a laptop or a TV to view DVDs or other streamable material.

I know most people are worried that they may be caught. Put a notice up and ignore the TV Licence guys – they’re a private company and you can deny them right of access to your property. They are the ones infringing the law if they come up to your property.

They must obtain a warrant to enter your premises but they need to show the court proof that the occupier is watching live broadcast – this is an expensive route and if they have deceived the court in any way, they can be in big, big trouble both as an individual and a company. That is why warrants are extremely rare.

There are also no TV detector vans to catch you – they cross check their licence database with the address. The TV detector vans are empty hoaxes. No one to date has been prosecuted using a TV detector. Because they don’t exist, although the technology is feasible, it is cheaper for Capita to use the database and employ empty threats.

And there's absolutely no way they could stop me from watching live broadcasts using software on my PC using my network, should I choose to.

Like New Zealand, the licence fee will go eventually - it needs a critical mass of people to be aware of the above and then the cost of defending the licence fee becomes too great.

So, come on people, let's do it!

One for the Ladies

h/t Man Widdicombe

"Beyond the Crash" - a fantasy by Gordon McRuin

I see McMental's Hairy Potter and the one-eyed Prince fantasy novel is out on the amazon website for a bargain bucket price of £11.99.  I was about to close the browser in disinterest whereupon I spied some of the tag descriptions - hilarious - similar to the ones associated with Dolly Draper's novel.

Some of the highlights:

beware flying nokias
pissed the economy up the wall snotgobbler
sold gold at rockbottom price
worst prime minister ever
married to a beard
a rise of 0 percent
it started in america - honest
charisma bypass abolished boom and bust
rocking horse
nostril miner
i agree with nick
famous sociopaths
sad scotch hoon

Virtual Insanity

The Sun

I think this is quite a good idea, if not a little creepy.  Turning boarded up outlets and empty properties into virtual stores using large posters to depict an actual store.

However, the detail is in the economics: will the percentage of the £80 million regeneration plan have been better spent on reducing business leases and rates?

Guido's PMQs Highlights

Bah, I'm away tomorrow seeing some friends so I won't be doing Guido's PMQs Highlights.  It's a shame as I think tomorrow's session is going to be a rather lively one with Cameron vs Red Ed.

Optical Illusions

Via Stewart Cowan's great Real Street blog, I came across this illusion from the Daily Mail:

I love illusions and thought they cannot be the same.  I covered up the squares with pieces of paper and my hands and was still convinced they were different shades of grey.  However I cut out the squares from the image using Macromedia Fireworks and this is what I got:

Amazing isn't it?  If you don't believe me, try it yourself.

Don't always believe what your brain is telling you.

Guido's PMQs LiveChat: Millionaire Union Bosses Edition

Thanks to Guido for hosting today's LiveChat where the window lickers gather for Wednesday's PMQs.  The general consensus was that it was a little boring this week and obviously misses characters such as the brooding, stammering pension wrecker as Cameron's foil.  Cameron was on top form today despite the personal grief he must have endured by the loss of his father.  A good banter between Harman and himself and incidentally, this was Harman's last appearance so no more Ms WhineyVoice.

Carlos is still MIA, Harman wasn't wearing her Giraffe Suite but as Billy Blofeld said: "Harman didn't go for the Meat Dress then....." unlike Lady GaGa.  Dick Scratcher gave the very important Hain Pantone Reference: 816F (Comanche Vanity) but Guido suggested that this might equally apply to the very orange Rosie Winterton. 

Obviously "staycations" don't apply to our political elite.

Dorian Smith likened Bercow's tie to the Czech TV test card while Tiewatcher loathes David Blunkett but thinks his tie is actually rather good.

The LiveChat was bereft of Labour "Haw Haws" spinning the propaganda although Kevin Maguire tweeted his best suggesting that Mervyn King told the TUC in 2008 that there wouldn't be a recession.  Come on Toilets, you can do better than that.

The rumours of the brooding McRuin making an appearance did not bear fruit sadly but Old Holborn was suggesting that he might release a tiger into the House which would have been entertaining, as well as his statement that "I have a sponsor who will pay £10 to everyone who turns up at the Popes gigs in a full gimp costume ".

So the best line of the week?  A close run thing with John Ward's great effort of ""I'm so Priti, oh so Priti..." on the first appearance of Tory MP Priti Patel, Chunk's "that woman has like two Nick Soames strapped to her mid-section" in reference to the rotund Rosie Cooper and Tuscan Tony's "Lloyd looks like he hit a wall naked at 40mph" when MP Stephen Lloyd stood up.

The winner goes to Sue Perrin-Junsham with this line after Guido's poll of Labour leaders:

"I'm voting for Steve Miliband - Abracadabra"

Here's the rest of the highlights- enjoy!



Dick Scratcher: Let's see if Laura K's over her PMT

Old Holborn: I love the way Abbott is calling for white men to be sacked from the civil service. She's be lucky to find one

Dorian Smith: Did Gordon get a note from his mum to take even more time off to teach at Harvard?

Should Be Working: Ah, Harriet - tea two sugars please luv!

Billy Blofeld: Peter Hain is wearing a dress again this week.

John Ward: Anne Beggs has just motored into the Chamber...

Dorian Smith: HH necklace from Swindon's Sue Ryder shop

Tuscan Tony: At least it isn't a pearl one Dorian.

Hugh Jend: my mate (hugh jardon) MAY have given Katy D a pearl necklace..anyone want to here more about it??

John Ward: Yes, the beads are probably more worried than Hattie...

JULIAN BRAY DUCKHOUSE: George Michael says hi from Pentonville....

Another Engineer: Harman most popular! Is Gordon in the house?

Roger Thornhill: Going nowhere and Harman? You surprise me.

Dick Scratcher: Border Police in blue leather, accessorized with black nightsticks

Dick Scratcher: Harperson wants a good grilling. Gas mark 4.

JULIAN BRAY DUCKHOUSE: brazier more like damp firelighter

the last quango in paris: 7 votes for those muppets

Tuscan Tony: CHief cause of poverty is watching Jeremy Kyle.

Old Holborn: Abbott to win would be fantastic. Mugabes widow herself

Dick the Prick: Mugabe's got better standards

Tuscan Tony: The dream team for Labour leadership would be Abbott and Prescott.

Old Holborn: I have a sponsor who will pay £10 to everyone who turns up at the Popes gigs in a full gimp costume

Carol Vorderman: I love Balls!

JULIAN BRAY DUCKHOUSE: liverpool all the wheeliebins are on bricks

JULIAN BRAY DUCKHOUSE: pope on a rope ..... doofa on a loofah

Hugh Jend: will the pope treat us to a rendition of "two little boys"?

Tuscan Tony: The 3 munters.

Old Holborn: She knitted that herself

Unsworth: OH - not knitted, nailed together

John Ward: "I'm so Priti, oh so Priti..."

John Ward: Another Vaz!

Billy Blofeld: She isn't oily enough to be a real Vaz

Ghost of Greg Stone: Put the Vaz's next to each other with artificial colouring= Vaz e line

Old Holborn: Release a live tiger into the House

Secret Lemondade Drinker: Look at those highlights. Bloody hell. Labour are falling apart.

Guido Fawkes: I m m m mmiss m m m m m mr rrr Speaker from Jonah

Dorian Smith: Luckily we have widescreen tv for Rosie

Unsworth: Christ! A blue Marquee

Tuscan Tony: Taxibus for Rosie!

Beware of Geeks: "That's no moon, it's a space station"

Chunk: That woman has like two Nick Soames strapped to her mid-section

Tuscan Tony: Vernon Coaker = Dusty Bin

Dick Scratcher: Ainsworth doing his pools coupon

Dorian Smith: Balls auditions for CHurchill nodding dog campaign

Chunk: Lloyd looks like a Jim Henson creation.

Billy Blofeld: Someone needs to buy him a jaw

Tuscan Tony: Lloyd looks like he hit a wall naked at 40mph

Beware of Geeks: Now I know what happened to Kermit

Sue Perrin-Junsham: I'm voting for Steve Miliband - Abracadabra

Secret Lemondade Drinker: Andrew Mitchell is now chatting up Caroline Spelman. Dirrrrty.

John Ward: Harlow and goodbye!

Tuscan Tony: Prescott is working the tables in 1st Class, Ghost.

Old Holborn: what a heap of otter w**k

MPs to get advice from Harold Shipman in running old people's homes

I mean seriously, WTF?


Hopefully this is just Daily Wail bollocks

Tracey Emin

Body from Baywatch.

Face from Crimewatch.

Danger! Danger! Internet about to get the Curse of Jonah!

Looks like McRuin will be joining Tim Berners-Lee on the board of the World Wide Web Foundation to take on the role of advising on ways to bring affordable internet connectivity to disadvantaged regions such as Africa.  Well, that's one project completely wrecked by the Curse of Jonah before it even gets started.

I think Alex Deane from Big Brother Watch has it about right:

"Wanting to help Africans get online is laudable. But given the enormous intrusions into privacy and freedom over which Gordon Brown presided whilst Prime Minister, he’s about the worst person to “help” new internet users. Less “education for all” – more “snooping for those who can’t escape it”

Quite.  How a brooding, bullying, miserable, bunker-dwelling, pension-wrecking, cowardly socialist with a total and utter contempt for liberty thinks he might be the right person to help bring the freedom of the internet to Africa, is quite clearly delusional to the extreme.

h/t TechEye.net

"Fighting ‘them’ on the Sandwell"

Please visit Anna's site and spread the word about this gross injustice.

Waking up to Oona King in the morning

I awoke to the shrill sound of socialist bollocks being transmitted over LBC on the Ferrari show, today hosted by James Whale.  Oona King was there obviously to promote her chances of becoming the Labour representative for the next London Mayor and as always, simply does not accept or get why she and her party were thrown out at the last election.

She thinks the coalition should not cut spending because millions will be thrown onto the scrapheap like they were when Thatcher was in power.

Fortunately help was at hand by the deluge of listeners and emails that accused her beloved Labour party of always leaving the country in a bankrupt state by spending all the family silver.  One angry listener challenged Oona as to whether she had managed a balance sheet?  Oona in her best defence said "of course" before listing a load of public sector non-job and fake charity positions that she previously worked in. 

So that would be a no then.

Then, with that irritating, condescending, sarcastic chuckle she always adopts when she says something that she thinks is obvious and yet we howl into the air at her righteous indignation and blindness in the unworkable ideology held onto so dearly by socialists, she compares the spending cuts to this fantastic analogy:

"Well, you don't panic and rush to pay off your mortgage earlier, do you?"

Good god.  Don't let this woman within sniffing distance of a budget.  Even James Whale had a go at her alongside some more irate listeners.

With her radar warning receiver flashing hotter than a set of Christmas tree lights, she dumped the chaff and flares that are employed by an ambushed socialist saying: "are there any Labour voters out there?", "what about the NHS?" followed by the classic, Thatcher's misquote, "there's no such thing as society".

A hideous, hideous woman with a hideous, hideous belief in a misguided ideology.

Tactical Nuclear Penguin

I was privileged the other day to try some of this remarkable beer. It’s Tactical Nuclear Penguin by BrewDog and is an amazing 32% ABV. How do they do this?

They achieve this high alcohol content by freezing the beer and removing the water that freezes and draining off the liquid which is richer in alcohol (which freezes at a much lower temperature). It is also matured so it tastes quite mellow with hints of charcoal and chocolate.

It is £35 per 330ml bottle but to be honest, it’s a sipping beer and I wouldn’t want to drink more than one at a time.

Cheers!

Update: the great Dick Puddlecote has a post showing a new one by BrewDog: The End of History, made by BrewDog of Fraserburgh, Aberdeenshire, is 55% and £500 a bottle

Jeff Randall: Peter the Great's poisonous pen will do Britain a power of good

Wonderful paragraph:

It is where a dysfunctional clique took the United Kingdom into an illegal war, dismantled border controls, encouraged unprecedented immigration, debased educational standards, attacked the independence of our best schools and universities, botched devolution, eroded British sovereignty, pumped up a consumer debt bubble, ran our private pension system into the ground, messed up financial regulation and wrecked the country's balance sheet.

Also came across a great comment:

Despite endless warnings from history, people like this constantly find themselves in positions of power. Elected, I presume by the kind of people who think history should be ignored because it has the word 'tory' in it.

Telegraph

Guido's PMQs LiveChat: Schools Out for Summer Edition

Where Guido's window lickers come and gather, to blather and let rip their feelings on all things politics as the MPs assemble for the Wednesday lunchtime ritual of Prime Minister's Question Time.

A maelstrom of lexicon, a staccato of snipes, an orgy of aggressive and jocular banter hosted by Guido.

Did you miss the funny one liners from Messrs Ward, Sinatra, Stone and Scratcher?!?

Well fear not - here are the highlights and if Harman's head explodes Scanner style, then god forgive you for not being there to laugh out loud on Guido's Live Chat!


What's for lunch Carlos

Still MIA


Theresa May Spacesuit Watch

Dick Scratcher: @Geeks: FYI T May was wearing her cosmonaut outfit on ITN last night - it did not get burnt on re-entry


Harman's "Big Game" Safari watch

Govt-By-Cluster-Fuck: is that a prison uniform jacket ? and doesnt she own an iron ?

Wight Tory: Tom Watsons Suit is being worn, he's gone for her giraffe number

Tuscan Tony: Looking at the jacket, does Harriet work part time in a butchers' shop?


Hain (and Cam) Pantone Watch

Dick Scratcher: Hain Pantone Reference : 817B (NYPD basketball)


TeatherWatch

MIA


Dodgy Tie of the Week

Tiewatcher: Clegg has a new tie - he usually goes for plain ones

John Ward: Neutral tie for Clegg today...

Beware of Geeks: Very blue tie for Ozzie

manceyy: Georges tie is V bold

Billy Blofeld: Ties sponsored by British Gas

GV: There's nothing wrong with Osborne's tie - it fits snugly over his beer belly

Tiewatcher: Dave Anderson: that shirt and tie don't match your suit


Labour parody of the Week

Proud to be Labour: Labour will destroy Cameron on BSF. Labour builds schools. Tories tear them down to set up dangerous free-market experiments.


Best line of the Week

Tuscan Tony: Expensive drugs - Osbourne springs awake.


Highlights

John Ward: This week has been a good justification for using public funds for clearing out a Moat...

Spank Sinatra: Here's hoping harpic has a niqab on

.243 Win: Spank : Head-mounted bin liner would be better....

Old Holborn: I'm going on a Calais booze cruise. Dressed in a Burqa

Old Holborn: Is that a chimpanzee mask he's wearing?

.243 Win: Someone's given her a good raging if the hair's anything to go by

Old Holborn: ARRRRGGGGHHHHHH

Raoul Moat: Thats what I said OH

Old Holborn: Yvette looking like a fat sad Phil Oakey from Human League

Balls is bonkers: Yvette Balls is wearing a vest

Dick the Prick: Are Harperson's breasts trying to break free?

Rog: Harm-man's zoot suit is melting my retinas.

Tuscan Tony: Gordon is at the 3rd level of sedation.

Dick Scratcher: Harpic has an ego the size of Michelle Obama’s ass

Rog: Yvette has obviously upped her medication. Either that or had a stroke.

Beware of Geeks: When's bonker's book coming out?

.243 Win: Geeks : When someone can decypher the crayon marks.

Tuscan Tony: Police force in Hackney should be 40% rasta.

Old Holborn: Yvette has borrowed Mick Hucknells face

Rog: OH: I think she turned it inside out before wearing it.

Dick Scratcher: Yvette really DOES deserve a good piping today

Tuscan Tony: Which pipe, Scratcher?

Guido Fawkes: You see Ed Balls was having a drink with Bevanite Ellie on the terrace last night before Yvette dragged him away.

Old Holborn: Nice to see George Mellie's suit went to as good home

John Ward: From George Melly to Harpy SMelly.

Tuscan Tony: Will she ask Dave if he knows anyone mad and bad?

Dick Scratcher: Oliver Letwin = Rubenesque artists model

Dick the Prick: Olly Letwin looks ripe for a heart attack

Beware of Geeks: I think Ozzie is straining for another bowl breaker

The whole of Wales: does that mean we'll have to get a job boyos?

.243 Win: Mad, bad, sad Nads. But you still would.

John Ward: Francis Maude seems to have some residual chewing gum in his mouth...

Guido Fawkes: Go on iPSA starve the b*******s

Ghost of Greg Stone: jeez is he never going to get to a Q?

Beware of Geeks: I hear he charges £1/h for public speaking - he's now a millionaire!

Dick Scratcher: I predict a rabbit

Dorian Smith: I like maguire's photo, was it taken when he was in a boy band?

Dick Scratcher: Robertson = 250lb Haggis

Old Holborn: he's had plenty of hot dinners

Rog: Pie disappearance mystery solved. Close the case.

Old Holborn: Is that a norman helmet she's wearing?

Beware of Geeks: Ding dong!

Beware of Geeks: Christ, I should have gone to Specsavers

Dick the Prick: @BoG - stop, desist, restrain and prevent

Afghanistan Banana Stand: Geeks: you need new glasses

Guido Fawkes: Can't believe 13% of you are suicidal.

John Ward: I can't even pronounce his constituency name...

Tuscan Tony: Expensive drugs - Osbourne springs awake.

Guido Fawkes: Time for the pub, would the 11% of you who are suicidal go out and get some sunshine.

Guido's PMQs LiveChat: All Hungover Together Edition

Where Guido's window lickers come and gather, to blather and let rip their feelings on all things politics as the MPs assemble for the Wednesday lunchtime ritual of Prime Minister's Question Time.

A maelstrom of lexicon, a staccato of snipes, an orgy of aggressive and jocular banter hosted by Guido.

Did you miss the funny one liners from Messrs Ward, Sinatra, Stone and Scratcher?!?

Well fear not - here are the highlights and if Harman's head explodes Scanner style, then god forgive you for not being there to laugh out loud on Guido's Live Chat!


What's for lunch Carlos?

Old Holborn: Carlos has obviously starved to death

John Ward: Well, in Carlos' absence, my early lunch was Ardenne pate, with a nice salad, toast and some of that Canti Merlot-Sangiovese.

Dick Scratcher: Carlos was playing up front for Uruguay last night...he'll be back next week.


Theresa May Spacesuit Watch

Beware of Geeks: Theresa May not wearing the spacesuit


Harman's "Big Game" Safari watch

Dorian Smith: What will it be from Harriet this week, the Mr Byrite look, the mutant giraffe look, or the Abigail's Party look?

John Ward: Turn down the brightness on your TVs, folks: it's Harman in white!


Hain (and Cam) Pantone Watch

Dick Scratcher: Hain Pantone Reference : 813C (Dutch Delight) …topical eh?


TeatherWatch

MIA


Dodgy Tie of the Week

torybear: Clegg celebrating the Dutch win with his tie?

Rog: Cleggs tie sponsored by Easyjet?

Roger Thornhill: Clegg appears to have a slice of Hain's skin hanging around his neck

John Ward: I suspect Clegg's tie is a deliberate reminder that he is really a Lib Dem and not Cameron's pet.


Best line of the Week

Old Holborn: bet she's got a tw@t like a black cat with it's throat cut


Highlights

Labour bankrupted the UK: Can we have a "Spot the Gordon" competition instead on the DP?

Bobby Bobberson: Harriet will be using the pissed off stoat looks this week.

Dorian Smith: Someone should tell Bercow he's never going to get taller.

Dick Scratcher: Bercow walked in on his wife last night...

Old Holborn: What? Somaliland? Can we send Bristol back now then?

Hugh Jardon: I can't stand semolina

Dorian Smith: George looks miserable because he has to look at the opposition benches, it would depress most people.

Beware of Geeks: Now he looks like he's straining a bowl breaker!

John Ward: Engerland swings like a pendulum do...

Old Holborn: colombo raincoat

Dick Scratcher: "...can I ask you one more question?"

Dorian Smith: Spot on about Columbo, when she gets to the 6th question will she say "just one more question Sir"?

Dick Scratcher: Ken Clarke = loose Frank Cannon

John Bercow: What the **** does she have round her neck?

John Ward: Ah, that's her asp round the neck...

Old Holborn: She sounds like the woman on a Tesco customer service desk

niallpaterson: This is turning into an episode of Some Mothers Do Have Em

the last quango in paris: david miliband just scared the life out of me with his staring

Old Holborn: We don't need more police, we need less crime

John Ward: "The chair has resigned". How can furniture resign?

Dorian Smith: Please HH, run for the leadership, more missed open goals than in the world cup

Old Holborn: We ARE a prison ship. HMP Open Prison Britain

Spank Sinatra: I think I would prefer white noise rather than listen to her

alekboyd: Labour actually took more than economic lessons from Argentina...

Dick Scratcher: ...stab proof vests available in pink now

Smig: Brought crime down by giving the slackers enough beer and sky tv to keep them comfortable. They didnt have to burgle then.

Dick Scratcher: Afghans = like pushing cats into a cupboard

Spank Sinatra: Press F1 for english

Alistair Campbell: I hate being bi polar. It's awesome!!

John Ward: My mum says that there's one think about John: he was always trying. I *think* it was a compliment...

Beware of Geeks: Is Ken Clarke's alien love child about to burst from that portly, incubating belly?

Lobbydog: PMQs, now Bercow defending PM. Like a ref who books a player to even out a previous poor decision.

Dick Scratcher: K Clarke morphing into Churchill

Beware of Geeks: "Never, in the field of human conflict has an alien burst forth from my belly...never!"

John Ward: Well, Geeks, as that fellow in the movie must have thought: that Hurt!

Dennis Skinner MP: can I ask the prime minister when the bar's open, I need a drink

Hugh Jardon: would this be an opportune moment to mention the time that I may have spurted my curd all over the fullsome Katy D??

Dick Scratcher: Nick Brown hates the hose pipe ban...

Spank Sinatra: A tellytubby speaks

Billy Blofeld: Wee Willie Tw@t

Roehamster: Bloke with beard looks like that optical illusion that is a head both ways up.

Dick Scratcher: Gordon Broon = the Peter Ridsdale of politics

Old Holborn: **** me, he's had more hot dinners than I've had hot dinners

Mustafa Mohammed: Vote early, vote often

moss: Semper in excremento sum, solum profunditas mutat

Rog: Osborne set to glum factor 9.

Dick Scratcher: De Piero has a warm front

Beware of Geeks: I'd come on a green bench for Gloria

Old Holborn: bet she's got a tw@t like a black cat with it's throat cut

John Ward: I thought a Piero was a French clown...

wallaceme: @VizTopTips BOUNCERS - defy stereotypes by going mental and attacking people with guns instead of your fists.