Monday, 29 June 2009

Children are our future

I was sitting in a doctor's waiting room with my elderly mother when a young girl went up to all the empty seats and banged them with both her hands. This went on for several minutes and as she approached me I noticed she had snot running down her face. As she was sneezing and coughing I deduced she must have had bird flu, although glancing at her rotund "the worlds a Kentucky Fried oyster" mother, it could have been swine flu.

With that, she wiped the strings of mucus onto her hands and then proceeded to play the game of banging the empty seats and wiping the snotty putty on them.

Not one person said anything apart from the mother who shouted large words of encouragement to her feral offspring. With her continual diatribe of describing the exact actions of her kid to what appeared to be no-one in particular, for a moment, I thought I was starring in some sort of docu-drama.

Sadly, not a camera was to be found so I simply shouted: "Can you control your child please, as she has flu and is spreading her germs around this waiting room full of elderly and infirm people here. It is NOT a kindergarten".

The mother just scowled at me and reluctantly tried to control her spawn by a series of commands, rather than the obvious way of getting her fat lardarse off the fucking chair and grabbing the kid.

Not one person said a thing.

I hate this thing when parents allow their children to run amok in public places such as restaurants, libraries, supermarkets and waiting rooms. Especially supermarkets. What is it that these new mummies have to shout out loud to their kids explaining everything mummy is doing and what little Johnny would like to choose. It's annoying, I keep looking for the cameras and sound crew making their next documentary.

There's nothing worse then closing ones eyes as one delicately savours a rare 28 day mature rump steak and some minion from Beelzebub armed with some stolen restaurant cutlery comes screaming at your table firing a salvo of partially digested bread, deep fried chicken mcbollocks and grass from their gaping craw while their parents all look so fucking pleased with themselves and go "Aaaaaaaah!" as though they are singing the Girl from fecking Ipanema.

Nukids - fecking the spawn of the Devil - I'm not afraid to tell them quite loudly: "FUCK OFF!"


  1. No cameras? The cameras are everywhere.

    The whole UK is now one big reality-TV show for the rest of the world to laugh at. The only place it's not shown is here.

    There's no other logical explanation.

  2. Didn't you know that chiiildren are now the bosses? Everyone must bow to their every whim.

    Get with the program BGBG. ;-)

  3. When I was a brat (way back in the dark ages), I had a tantrum in a supermarket. Mum immediately stopped shopping, left it all where it was and literally smacked my arse all the way home. I was sent to bed on getting home which meant I wasn't allowed out to play for the rest of the day, given dinner and then sent back to bed. Double whammy was that she went to get the shopping without me and bought my sis a choc bar that had caused the tantrum in the first place. My sis took great pleasure eating it in front of me. I don't remember having a tantrum in a supermarket ever again after that.

    How I would love to see that sort of thing happen in supermarkets now rather than the parents 'reasoning' with the kids and giving them a choc bar in the vain hope of shutting them up. They wouldn't dare take such drastic action as my mum did in those days in case they were reported for child abuse.

    I hate kids in planes. I do not want them running up and down the aisles while the parents ignore them believing that they are on holiday so it is their right to relax and let the spawn run amok. I don't wish any harm on any kid, but I did find it rather enjoyable once after an hour of this hell on a plane to see one of them trip over a well placed foot (not mine) in the aisle. I switched up the iPod to drown out the very dramatic attention seeking crying.

  4. I have used that foot recently.

    I was taking my Nan shopping ( I do every week, she's 83 and likes to bimble around Sainsburys for an hour)

    A youngster prob about 8 or so (it was half term) was using the lovely smooth floors to perfect his 'heely' technique ( those shoes with the wheels in them) As he sped up and down the aisles, bumping into trolleys,display racks and shoppers, I waited for either his mother or the staff to have a word, but they just smiled indulgently.
    So when I saw he had a good clear run down the Pharmacy aisle apart from my nan and I, I moved us to the side without making it obvious, and onwards he came, gliding serenely and at speed.
    Until his rear foot met the toe of my size 12 poking out from behind the wheel of the trolley. He must have slid a good 15 feet and finished up at the checkout.

  5. leg-iron: welcome, you could be on to something there!

    DP: I am now part of the lieBorg collective

    Bearwitch/Pavlov: welcome, and I'm glad I'm not alone in experiencing this!

  6. Spare the sledge hammer, spoil the child, me old dad used to say.

  7. Welcome xoggoth, my fellow ITer, you may know me as a certain pilot on CUK who hasn't posted for a while!

    Love your blog!

  8. yh I hate that when they shout at the child and not get up or anything lazy Bastard.

  9. HyperD? Don't recall you as a ranty sort but it is an admirable characteristic except perhaps in a pilot. Is there such a thing as air rage?

  10. Ah, petrochemicals, it is you. Us chemical engineers are an elite.

  11. HAHAHAAA I am happy to say my son when a 'little guy' never did any of that crap. People who let their sick snot faced kids run all about touching everything and spraying their flu onto everyone piss me off, I have NO problem saying anything, I don't want to get sick, and mucus makes me fucking vomit. When and if my son ever did something unacceptable, there was no yelling and 10 chances given, it was 'do this' or immediate physical removal. He was a good guy though and mostly just smiled and waved at people. If anything, adults came up to me to comment on how cute and sweet and good he was. Thank you god lolll