Guido's PMQs LiveChat: Beans and Gold Edition

Thanks to Guido for hosting today's LiveChat where the windowlickers gather for Wednesday's PMQs.

Another subdued session today with Red Ed not really landing any punches, although Michael White was spinning like Lord HawHaw on amphetamine on Twitter today.

#tiewatch

Billy Bowden: Pink tie by Clegg

iainmartinwsj: @JohnRentoul @martinbeckford Hague wins, as usual, on the neckwear front

iainmartinwsj: RT @amolrajan: and i know i bang on about it every week, but Osborne's tie is unforgivable

John M Ward: Odd orange stripe on his tie...


#hainpantone

Dick Scratcher: Hain Pantone Reference : 815B (Mouldy Satsuma)


#celebwatch

joncraig: Looks like Sally Bercow in gallery above Govt side of chamber for PMQs. Bright red dress and red tights. Gazing adoringly at hubby John!


#latest

Dick Scratcher: LATEST: Al Megrahi’s mobile has just died.


#bestpun

John M Ward: I think that whatever ends up happening with forests, Cameron is lumbered with the eventual decision...


#bestline

Dick Scratcher: She takes up two postcodes


#highlights

Billy Bowden: thanks Guido , wonder if a question on world class cancer care in lybia will make it?

Sue Denim: Harman's on Jury Duty - wonder if the crim will be someone she knows?

Dorian Smith: Wonder if Ozzy will have his "these are not the droids you're looking for" look this week

no longer anonymous: osborne grinning like a gimp

Dorian Smith: Is that Servelan from Blakes 7 to the left of Red Ed?

missing bogey picker: about time Lord Haw-Haws fate befell Michael White

iainmartinwsj: Who on earth scalped Mili E?! Haircut too short - like Elvis after they put him in the US army.

Ed But Look Balls: Ed Balls looks like he's squeezing out an SBD fart!

genghiz the khan: red ed like a rabbit stuck in front of a lorry

sophyridge: Ed Miliband's white patch seems to be turning into a white stripe...

journodave: Gosh this is about as boring as a Mumford and Sons album.

mrsspeakernaked: i don't like seeing DC a bit flustered by the funny man opposite with a nasal listhp. I blame the cat

joncraig: Sally Bercow laughs again when hubby John says he wants to hear from Nicholas Soames, who looks like he's had a two black pudding breakfast.

Dick Scratcher: The Wardrobe with his key.

Dick the Prick: Put down that goose pie

C4politics: RT @cathynewman: Sally bercow watching pmqs from public gallery, dressed in more than a sheet

The Enormous Community: one in one out ? it's Dave's Prison policy

Tuscan Tony: Do Labour have a deckchair rearrangement policy?

Dick Scratcher: Anal Duncan sat on a pleaser

John M Ward: Grayling in a Gray suit...

Dick Scratcher: LATEST: Al Megrahi’s mobile has just died.

Tuscan Tony: To be buried with his tortoise, DS.

MrHarryCole: My favorite ever cabbie sourced story was one about Ed Balls brushing Gordon Brown's hair on the way to a restaurant.

Tuscan Tony: moral compost?

Billy Bowden: Is Gordon in the Chamber?

Spank Sinatra: Yes Billy - the chamber pot

paulwaugh: Heckle of the Day. Lab MPs shout "Timber!" as PM says he not happy w forest sell-off policy.

John M Ward: I think that whatever ends up happening with forests, Cameron is lumbered with the eventual decision...

genghiz the khan: Is Hazel doing her own signs for the deaf?

Dick Scratcher: Cable discussing the 2.30 at Chepstow

The Enormous Community: The Big Society isn't Big enough for Pickles

Dick Scratcher: She takes up two postcodes

journodave: Theresa May appears to be wearing your nan's curtains from 1973

Guido's PMQs LiveChat: More Banker Bashing Edition

Thanks to Guido for hosting today's LiveChat where the windowlickers gather for Wednesday's PMQs.

An average session today with Red Ed going for the "Big Society" angle of attack which got Cameron a little hot under the collar as did some of his back bencher questions. However, where credit is due, Red Ed made a reference to McRuin with:

"He should not be so angry, it will cloud his judgement. And that's not the first Prime Minister I've said that to"

#tiewatch

Dick the Prick: Yellow, Blue, Green - how sweet

John M Ward: Yellow, blue and green ties. Iain Martin will wish to be aware of this...

Dorian Smith: Clegg's tie yellow, Cameron Blue, will Red Ed complete the set? He'll probably have a blank tie.

Praguetory: George doing blue collar

Steve Miliband: Iain Martin;same suit/tie combo

MrHarryCole: Clegg gone for old school yellow. What is this? April 2010? #tiewatch [via Twitter]

Urban Tory: good ties can be used two days in a row, either that or it is a walk of shame

John M Ward: Hmm. Mili's tie *almost* works with that shirt & jacket...

iainmartinwsj: Right, made it to PMQs. I don't... believe... it... Cameron wearing same dark blue tie white shirt again. [via Twitter]

iainmartinwsj: Osborne looking better this week. Single colour tie, but matches it with powder blue shirt. And he's finally had a haircut. #pmqs [via Twitter]


#hainpantone

Dick Scratcher: Hain Pantone Reference : 815B (Poisoned apple)


#tuscantonylinguaphone

"Morgon, slickande människor..." (Svenska)

sentence substitute
a conventional expression of greeting or farewell used in the morning LiveChat


#celebwatch

Dick Scratcher: CELEB WATCH: Anglian TV weather man in public gallery


#latest

Dick Scratcher: LATEST: Al Megrahi’s Toyota has just died.


#bestpun

John M Ward: "Argie Bhaji" - an Argentinian Indian-style veggie dish


#bestline

The Enormous Community: Pickles has lured Clegg to the Pie Side of the Force


#highlights

Spank Sinatra: Morning seat sniffers

Dick Scratcher: Mandy likes Big Ben

Tuscan Tony: Morgon, slickande människor...

Urban Tory: Does anyone else think bashing your banker should be new slang for having a w***?

Dick Scratcher: What about Bishop Bashing? Why do they have a seat in the Lords FFS?

John M Ward: "Argie Bhaji" - an Argentinian Indian-style veggie dish

Urban Tory: Argie Bhaji, isn't that Tevez's contract negotiations?

Steve Miliband: Osborne twatted Balls yesterday

Spank Sinatra: Nope - I think Osborne has been on the ketamine again

no longer anonymous: osborne now doing an eeyore impression

Dick Scratcher: LATEST: Al Megrahi’s Toyota has just died.

John: "No Mr Balls, I expect you to die!"

Dick Scratcher: CELEB WATCH: Anglian TV weather man in public gallery

Steve Miliband: Ed miliband will demand more vending machines in the sixth form common room

no longer anonymous: whoa, beetroot face

Dick the Prick: Blood pressure seems a bit high on this fellow

Beware of Geeks: Quite a red face - worthy of a Pantone of itself

Spank Sinatra: F*** me - he could explode at any moment - stand back

Bled White Taxpayer: Bit red-faced: too much vino collapso

Dick Scratcher: Hammond playing his organ - Chopin 5th I think

Dick Scratcher: Big Hairy B*****ks Society – which street in Camberwick Green does Dismal Dave live in?

BillyBob: seagull has splattered on Red Eggs hair

Tuscan Tony: Billy: it's the finger mark left by the person who spray painted his head.

MrHarryCole: Cheer up Nick, you could still be a nobody oppostion leader [via Twitter]

Tuscan Tony: CHarities = state funded quangoes stuffed with leftie placemen.

John M Ward: Is that a merrkat on Ed's left? Oh no, it's wee Dougie...

CHUTNEY: there is no big society in Dudley, just a zoo, a castle and a rubbish market

Dorian Smith: Red Ed turning into pepe le pew, without the charm

WoRaft: I think I'd rather see them mud wrestling.

Dick Scratcher: Libraries full of tramps & alkys

no longer anonymous: it's not like dave pikey goes to the library every week to borrow a book

Paulo: No way - her jaw can pick pickled onions out of a jar!

Dick Scratcher: Big Society = Major's Cones Hotline

Beware of Geeks: We should have more KFC and MacDonalds - it'll make it a Big Society

Urban Tory: does LauraK watch PMQs from the gallery?

Beware of Geeks: @Urban Tory - through red rose tinted specs no doubt

Dick Scratcher: Midwives at your cervix

John M Ward: Large girth! Too many lamb Chops in Chope...

Dorian Smith: BBC: "Working for the re-election of the Labour Party - this is what we do".

no longer anonymous: wales? isn't that a giant zoo?

Urban Tory: yeah 7,000,000 sheep. Its more of a Game reserve

Rog: Shouldn't Bercow be lurking under a bridge somewhere, waiting for passing goats?

The Anglo Saxon: Whats Mum from Shameless doing on the front bench ?

The Enormous Community: Pickles has lured Clegg to the Pie Side of the Force

Tuscan Tony: Odd Labour hate rugby with an odd shaped Balls as a shadow chancellor

no longer anonymous: labour must want to ban polo

Rog: Certain Labourites love croquet, though I seem to remember...

Dorian Smith: Angela Smith in bargain jacket from C&A 1985

Ed But Look Balls: Billericay Dicky!

WoRaft: Regulate the dogging sites; pay 'n' display.

Tuscan Tony: Harry is here to make Guido look slim and sexy.

Guido Fawkes: Oi

Ed But Look Balls: Two Oily Vaz Deferens in the HoC!

Dorian Smith: Priti not in pink, going for the adam and the ants look

What precautions to take when being interviewed by the media

An outstanding post from Mark on the WUWT blog after the stitch up on James Delingpole.

A bit of cut n paste for you media whores!

I have some expertise in PR and media relations and here is a primer on handling documentary producers.

Before the interview:

* Do not sign the release form/waiver until after the interview. Do not sign a release form that is a blanket release. Add in a line that limits your release to that day’s date and up to the current time of day. That prevents a subsequent ambush interview also being covered under the released.

* Carefully limit the length of the interview in writing when you agree to the appointment. I suggest a maximum of 30 minutes. No one is usually on camera for more than 90 seconds (if that) and 30 minutes is more than enough time for them to get what they want if they are being straightforward. Giving them more time just lets them go ‘fishing’ for some gaffe or misstatement. Don’t let them.

* Have someone there on your side who is going to be your watchdog. Get someone who doesn’t have trouble disagreeing with people and holding them to their word. They should be like your defense attorney.

* Ask for a specific list of questions in advance. Print it and have it with you.

* If they have any problems granting any of the above, you should take that as an almost certain sign that they are up to no good.

* Assume that they are recording the entire time they are in your presence, even if it appears the camera is off. Once they put a radio microphone on you, carefully manage when it is on and off. Turn it on and off yourself. A good tip is to actually clip it to the back of the chair you are sitting in instead of your belt. That way you can’t forget and wander off with it during a break.

* Try to negotiate the right to see the finished documentary before it is aired. Any producer will be reluctant, even if they are on the up and up because it’s more work. However, how they respond to this discussion can be telling. Point out that you’re not asking for any editorial input (which they would never agree to anyway), you just want to have some idea of what to expect before it airs.

* Remember that ALL professional documentary makers have already decided their angle on the story before they begin. Any claims to the contrary (such as “we’re just taking a neutral look at both sides”), should be taken as evidence that they are not being up front with you. Making a documentary is hard, time-consuming and expensive. They wouldn’t go to all that trouble and expense if they didn’t think they had an important and compelling angle on the story.

* Always research the people and the company making the documentary. When they first contact you ask lots of questions about who’s involved in production, who’s backing the project, which production companies are being used, where it will air, etc. Google all of this and follow the threads. Generally zebras don’t change their stripes.

* A few days before the interview ask who else they’ve already interviewed (to save costs they tend to group production sessions together). If you can, contact those people and ask how it went.

* Just as they are getting ready to roll, reach into your pocket and take out your own audio recorder (or cellphone with recording app) and turn it on saying “you don’t mind if I get this for my notes do you?”

* Doing video interviews is hard. Very hard. Coming across naturally and clearly is tough even for skilled news presenters and politicians. So if an interviewer wants to make you look bad, they have a head start if you’re a novice. This why I strongly suggest doing some practice sessions with a friend. Get out your camcorder, sit down interview style and go through a list of likely questions several times. Have your friend get tricky and try to mess you up. Have fun. Then make some popcorn and watch it. Make notes. Do it again. A little practice is better than none but a lot of practice is ideal.

During the Interview:

* Strictly hold them to the agreed length and remind them when they arrive and when the interview starts.

* Keep your answers very short and very focused. This can take practice because we all like to ramble on. Don’t! It never comes across well, even in a friendly interview.

* After they have asked each question, feel free to take a few moments to collect your thoughts before you start your answer. They will edit out the question anyway. Do not ever let them rush you. Do not ever engage in a rapid fire back and forth because this is where you are most likely to misspeak. Your watchdog friend should feel free to interrupt with “Let’s take a break” right in the middle of a question if they feel it’s appropriate. If you take a break, remember, mic off.

* If you feel like you are in the process of flubbing answer, immediately stop and say “that’s not correct, let me try starting over” and then just start over. Feel free to do this multiple times if necessary. If they try to use the start of your flubbed answer, it will look pretty bad for them when you release your audio recording showing they used something that they knew was “not correct”.

* If they surprise you with a question that you are unprepared to answer. Immediately stand up. The reason is that it can be a very effective technique to ask their “zinger” and let the shot hang on your uncomfortable expression. If you stand up, the camera shot is of your zipper – something they are unlikely to linger on for very long. Keep in mind that standing up is the only sure way to “scrub” an interview shot. Feel free to use it as often as needed. A good pretext can be reaching over to get your print out of the questions so you can note that this question wasn’t on there.

* If it is becoming clear that this is a hostile interview, don’t waste time making grand points that eloquently prove your case. If it’s good for your position, they simply won’t use it. This is like a legal deposition or police questioning. What you say can only be bad for you, never good.

* You may need to question the question if it’s of the “when did you stop beating your wife” category. This is perfectly acceptable to do. It’s your interview too. However, never have this kind of discussion with the mic on or in view of the camera. There is usually an additional shotgun mic on the camera that provides a less perfect but still usable audio feed if they choose. Also keep in mind that the interviewer’s radio mic can pick you up as well if they are within a few feet of you.

* If the interviewer keeps circling back and re-asking basically the same question in different ways, that means that he’s not happy with how your response is coming across. In a hostile situation this means you are doing very well! Now the key is to simply smile and “play broken record”. Keep repeating the exact same answer verbatim. Do not expand on it. Do not add to it. Nada. This might feel uncomfortable at first but just do it. They can’t use what they don’t have.

* When you feel that you’ve said what you want them to have then feel free to end the interview (even if the half-hour isn’t up). Just stand up, turn off the mic, grab your recorder, make some polite excuse and make like Elvis and leave the building. Let your watchdog observe them as they pack up and leave.

After the Interview:

* Before they leave, they may want to get what is called “B-Roll” footage of you walking about your environs. Whether you decide to grant this request or not will depend on how things have gone up to this point. If you are sure they are hostile or are unsure, then I suggest not granting this. It won’t help your position and it will give them lots of footage over which they can add their own narrative that will probably be damning to you.

* If they do turn out to be hostile to your position then, sadly, the best you can hope for is that they don’t use any of your interview at all. That means that they didn’t get anything from you that would help them make their case. Congratulations! That’s as close to a perfect score as you can hope for in this twisted game.

I hope that helps…

Guido's PMQs LiveChat: Don’t Mention Manufacturing Edition

Thanks to Guido for hosting today's LiveChat where the windowlickers (or as Tuscan Tony likes to call us: fenestral slaverers or for the Latin scholars, lingua fenestras) gather for Wednesday's PMQs.

Rather dull with RedEd and Cam trying to outdo each other in the "who can be the better statesman" department rather than the more entertaining bun fight we look forward too.

Lots of Dodgy Ties of the Week this session with blue being the satorial choice of many:

John M Ward: Dave has a *light* blue tie this week...

Billy Bowden: Clegg wearing a pink tie , and a pink minger behind him

Billy Bowden: Hains tie is brighter than his skin !!!

Spank Sinatra: Blue ties must be on a BOGOF this week

Beware of Geeks: Sort your tie out Kris

Thanks as always to Dick Scratcher with his Hain Pantone Reference, a rather cheeky 815B (Tonto’s cock)

Pun of the Week's runner up is PunMeister himself John M Ward with:

John M Ward: "Oliver healed". Well, that's good news ;-)

but today's winner has to be Steve Miliband with a very clever:

Steve Miliband: Polycephaly is a condition of having more than one Ed

Best line of the Week runner up went to Tuscan Tony for:

Tuscan Tony: I see twelve fingers and the marks of a banjo string.

but newcomer equity abhors a maxim has it with a topical:

equity abhors a maxim: Kent's been Pfizted!

Here are the highlights:-

Steve Miliband: Devine intervention

Tuscan Tony: Morning lingua fenestras, as we latin Skolars say.

Dick the Prick: Fabricant looking beautifully bouffant

Steve Miliband: Polycephaly is a condition of having more than one Ed

Creamwhitebone: Ed has a grape behind him and an orange on his right....any more fruit?

Dick the Prick: Ed's taking lessons from Mubarak

Tuscan Tony: Ed's self interested, has a surprise honeymoon hol to Sharm el Sheik booked

Tuscan Tony: 25 consular staff with beach toowels and snorkels.

Dick Scratcher: Harman wants milking til she moos

Tuscan Tony: Ed should ask how many mummies have appeared on ebay so far, and has Cherie bid for any?

Steve Miliband: Where's Harrison Ford when you need him.

Ed But Look Balls: Ed's last question will be "Dave have you a biggun"!!

John M Ward: Dazza: Ed can never look more than "New Statesman"-like ;-)

no longer anonymous: i would have maximum respect for bercow if he got up and said "this really is a load of boring s***"

Beware of Geeks: Clegg looks strained

Dick the Prick: @BoG - sphincter issues

Tuscan Tony: Has Ed been bought and paid for by the Tories?

Steve Miliband: Maths, Physics, lunch, history, english, prep. That's your timetable Ed

Dorian Smith: Couple of Labour backbenchers spotted playing battleships, it's that boring

Tankus: milibands mother is in the gallery perhaps ...want to impress

Spank Sinatra: Hain's just cracked one off

glenoglaza: #pmqs peace breaks out at PMQs. Miliband under-arm bowling on Egypt & Afghanistan. Interesting tactic

Dick Scratcher: Bring back Geoffrey Howe FFFFFFS

Tuscan Tony: Bring back the dead sheep, Scratcher

no longer anonymous: and now on to pakistan - it's like a world tour

Beware of Geeks: Harman looked like she just sucked a lemon

Beware of Geeks: ...which is the nickname she calls her husband I believe

no longer anonymous: that guy certainly looks like his parents share the same parents

Tuscan Tony: I see twelve fingers and the marks of a banjo string.

Dorian Smith: East anglia - "High sixes"

MrHarryCole: Why did Vernon get a big cheer? Is it happy hour? Has he relaxed his door policy?

Spank Sinatra: Nipples like chapel hat pegs

Steve Miliband: Scammel Wheel nuts

Tuscan Tony: They could all become caddies on the excellent Royal St Georges.

equity abhors a maxim: Kent's been Pfizted!

Charlie: Cabbage pickers of Kent unite!

Dick Scratcher: Nadine likes flames licking up her chimney

MrHarryCole: RT @craigawoodhouse: Even a question about Viagra makers Pfizer can't pep this PMQs up. Very quiet session.

no longer anonymous: i didn't realise the welsh were allowed to vote

potemkin: PMQs don't mention adultery edition

Dick Scratcher: LATEST: Al Megrahi’s hard drive has just died.

Beware of Geeks: A cunning plan Baldry

Tuscan Tony: Support fo the mentally ill, Dave, like the ex-PM?

John M Ward: Zac at the back!

Spank Sinatra: Yes - free polo horses for fish

Double Dip: Pfizer's viagra job cuts won't be geting the growth up for Georgie

Govt-by-Cluster-F***: balls practising his "Gordoom glower"

Dick Scratcher: Lord Strathclyde likes diving

Trinny: parachute company in freefall

John M Ward: "Oliver healed". Well, that's good news ;-)

Spank Sinatra: Think it would be more fun sticking a glass of wasps up my arse frankly

no longer anonymous: privatise the forests just to annoy labour

Steve Miliband: Leaf it out

Cat vs Printer - The Translation

Recycling my recycle bins

Well, it had to happen after the last post.

Yes, in an über effort of greenness on my behalf and a token nod to the 10 items of recycling containers that have been dumped on my driveway without any explanation from the council, I've finally recycled my recycle bins.

Yeah, I feel I've done my part.

Guido's PMQs LiveChat: "Negative Growth" Edition

Thanks to Guido for hosting today's LiveChat where the windowlickers (or as Tuscan Tony likes to call us: fenestral slaverers – nice one!) gather for Wednesday's PMQs.

Quite a good one today with Cameron on fiery form and RedEd inevitably playing the Coulson joker which Cameron batted away with some ease.

Lots of Dodgy Ties of the Week this session and the unusual situation of having so many MPs having ties with various strange hues of green:

Dick Scratcher: Nice tie toenails !!!

Dick Scratcher: ...my daughter has a pair of knickers that pattern

JULIANBRAY DUCKHOUSE: Loads of Blue ties on the COALITION front bench

John M Ward: Lavender tie on Ed-M...

JULIANBRAY DUCKHOUSE: purple tie pretentions of lordship

John M Ward: Interesting colour (green) tie...

iainmartinwsj: Bad shirt/tie combo from Ed Balls, pale lilac tie with pale lilacish shirt shld be a non-starter. Philip Hammond properly dressed BTW

Thanks as always to Dick Scratcher with his Hain Pantone Reference:

Hain Pantone Reference : 819G (Punkawalla Piri Piri)

Pun of the Week is awarded to PunMeister Special John M Ward when referring to Labour's Elizabeth Truss for:

John M Ward: Coo! Those are big beads around her neck. Perhaps it's a form of truss...

Although Tuscan Tony almost pipped the post with his pun aimed at Labour's Hot Totty, Stella Creasy:

Tuscan Tony: Stella can have a pint of mine.

Best line of the Week goes to Dick Scratcher with the outrageously five fingered shuffled:

Dick Scratcher: Is it “sexistismistic” to state that I would like to shoot my fat all over Caroline Flint’s face?

Here are the highlights:-


Dick Scratcher: Nice tie toenails !!!

Dick Scratcher: ...my daughter has a pair of knickers that pattern

Tuscan Tony: Morning fenestral slaverers

John M Ward: Howdy gang. Earwig-o again!

Dick Scratcher: Is it “sexistismistic” to state that I would like to shoot my fat all over Caroline Flint’s face?

Genghiz the Kahn: flint looks like a giraffe.

jgm2: @Ghengiz - looking like a giraffe is Harman's job.

Ed But Look Balls: Flint's Fat Fighs on view!

Dick the Prick: Balls looking tres smug. Ian got the strap-on again this morning?

John M Ward: What is that strange pattern on Caroline Flint's top/dress? Reminds me of something from a Horror Channel trailer...

Tuscan Tony: Flinty: she should be a footie linesgirl.

Beware of Geeks: First dig at Balls

Tuscan Tony: scratch rather than dig, BoG

stormforce: Did Gordon throw tippexth on rEd's head?

Dick the Prick: Ed looks very smart - his mum will be proud. Musn't be late for tea though - fish fingers tonight

Tuscan Tony: Economy was growing because you borrowed £ 300bn. Fantasist.

joolzg: golden inheritence, good one

Beware of Geeks: Balls... a face and look you never tire of punching

the money shot: the four letter C word-------CUTS

John M Ward: Ed'th thurprithed...

Tuscan Tony: I have to laugh: the two Eds- woudl it be possible to choose two more hilarious muppets?

Dick Scratcher: Better to quote Dickie Davies - "And now the wrestling..."

obangobang: Oh dear. He's fired the Coulson bazooka and it blew up in his face.

Joe T: Ed's just been shadow chancelowned

Govt-By-Cluster-F***: Balls has got that "Gordon" look

JULIANBRAY DUCKHOUSE: just opened a bottle of Courage Directors ----Moats Moggy

Beware of Geeks: I wonder if we could have a PMQs where ever time a question isn't answered Esther McVey takes an item of clothing off

Tuscan Tony: BoG: or Harriet puts another bag over her head.

Beware of Geeks: I would bring back Gordon to ensure all clothes are removed by the eigth question

John M Ward: Back on track now, with a Geordie glottle-stopper...

John M Ward: "In the interest of furrness" ??

John M Ward: Coo! Those are big beads around her neck. Perhaps it's a form of truss...

Tuscan Tony: Pearl necklace, John Ward

Dorian Smith: "Is that Clare Short's sister?" - could be her stunt double

John M Ward: "Clare Short" "stunt double". If that Short, more like a stunted double...

Dick Scratcher: LATEST: Al Megrahi’s tortoise has just died.

JULIANBRAY DUCKHOUSE: IF THEY ARE IN A CARE HOME WHY DO THE NEED A MOBILITY ALLOWANCE FOR A CAR ETC

jgm2: @JulianBray - because the Labour councillor's brother runs the local Mobility franchise.

Urban Tory: looks like she's got Bagpuss on her head

Beware of Geeks: I've found Mrs Slocombe's pussy!

the last quango in paris: the speaker is sounding more and more like the bloke from bullseye

Dick Scratcher: LATEST : The BBC are launching a political game show in Spring. Contestants Martin Sorrell, Gerry Robinson, Jonathan Powell, Martin Amis and Christopher Meyer will compete to establish which one of them is anatomically furthest up their own arse.

iainmartinwsj: That Osborne shirt today is an absolute stinker. One of his spads needs to take charge of Chancellors wardrobe, and get him a haircut

Jolly Roger: Stella Creasy? I prefer Atella Artois

Tuscan Tony: Stella can have a pint of mine.

Dick Scratcher: Blackpool...full of slags. (Not complaining)

Dick Scratcher: Does she live under a bridge?

Guido's PMQs LiveChat: Fags and Booze for All Editional

Thanks to Guido for hosting today's LiveChat where the windowlickers gather for Wednesday's PMQs.

A much more lively event this time round with RedEd splitting his questions between the recently announced unemployment figures and the NHS. Dave was on much better form this time and was quick on his feet to pretty much wipe the floor with RedEd's questions. However, there is a noticeable McRuin trait which Dave is adopting: the lack of a direct answer to a question.

Once again big thanks to our print specialist Dick Scratcher for Pantone Watch - this time a Hain Pantone Reference : 814B (Paisley’s Sash) but Steve Miliband pre-empted with "Letwin Red" but failed to provide an allocated number.

Dodgy Tie of the Week had a couple of contributors with our ever watchful sartorial spy Tiewatcher and an eagle eyed John Ward:

Tiewatcher: assumed the Garrick tie was Ken Clarke, but clearly not

John M Ward: Pastel striped tie on Baldry.

Tiewatcher: Nice coalition tie from Birtwistle

There was no Labour Parody of the Week unless you counted Michael White's Haw Haw like gibberish on Twitter and as one windowlicker stated, it's funny how Michael White never commented on the fact that McRuin never used to answer a question. Quite.

Pun of the Week is awarded as usual to the groanmaster himself John Ward with the excellent effort of:

John M Ward: Yes, Steve: Brazier always brings the burning issues to the House!

Dick Scratcher wins the Line with the Most Profanities targeted at Bercow's rather whimsical anecdote when trying to quieten the house:

Dick Scratcher: F*** off Berc***

And the Best Line of the Week was shared with a classic old one-two play to use football parlance between Dick Scratcher and no longer anonymous:

Dick Scratcher: Blunkett's dog had that leg for lunch

Dick Scratcher: ...or maybe Eric Pickles ate it?

no longer anonymous: pickles, dislocate your jaw and prepare to swallow

Here are the highlights:-


Praguetory: Mithker Thpeaker complathenthy

nabidana.com: It's not a lisp. It's idiocy escaping through the sides of his moronic mouth

Dick Scratcher: The Elephant Man gave him elocution lessons

Guest: Thirteen years to f*** it up, eight months to sort it out.

Dorian Smith: Today's labour trolls are sponsored by PennyRed's researcher, they are obviously flush with cash.

nabidana.com: Is Red Ed wearing a retainer?

Steve Miliband: Rumble in the jungle of oldham

no longer anonymous: osborne on mushrooms

nabidana: Osborne looks like he's going to hurl

Spank Sinatra: Ed - I'll have a coffee, one sugar and just a dash of milk please .....

Spank Sinatra: Pickles looks like he has that final wafer thin mint and is set to explode

no longer anonymous: has pickles eaten miliband?

Dick Scratcher: Chris Bryant likes night sticks

Spank Sinatra: Mr Y-fronts

Praguetory: More panto

Dick Scratcher: Triumph Sodomite

guidofawkes: Ooh get her #pmqs [via Twitter]

Dick the Prick: New Jersey just sacked half its coppers - it started in America after all.

obangobang: Brazier's on fire!! Sorry, I'll get my coat.

John M Ward: Yes, Steve: Brazier always brings the burning issues to the House!

Steve Miliband: Brazier's career will go up in smoke

Billy Bowden: Shut up Bercow !!!!!!

Dick Scratcher: F*** off Berc***

Spank Sinatra: Stand up Bercow

no longer anonymous: mithter thpeaker, can i have an ethtenthion on my homework?

Spank Sinatra: Harpic looks as though she can smell a disaster

Dr Bombastic: who stole Hattie's breasts?

Labour bankrupted the UK: Hey Ed, how long is a piece of string...

no longer anonymous: like a younger john major without the charisma

Dick Scratcher: Blunkett's dog had that leg for lunch

Dick Scratcher: ...or maybe Eric Pickles ate it?

no longer anonymous: pickles, dislocate your jaw and prepare to swallow

nabidana: Sir Peter Tapsell, AKA Young Mr Grace. 'You're all doing very well'.

Dorian Smith: Goodman for next Miss Marple

nabidana: From behind, in the dark, she looks like Darth Vader.

Praguetory: Who cut her hair?

Billy Bowden: David blunkett?

no longer anonymous: david blunkett's dog

no longer anonymous: pickles looks enraged

concrete pump: I think you'll find that's 'engorged'.

Beware of Geeks: Pickles looks like he's hatching a large Ginsters

Wavy Davy: Eric Pickles ate blunkett's dog.

Spank Sinatra: Possibly the most boring man in the world?

John M Ward: Just woken up: what was that question?

Spank Sinatra: Imagine being stuck beside him on a long-haul flight

John M Ward: Not so much (Naomi) Long as Wide!

obangobang: A cunning plan, Baldry?

Dick Scratcher: LATEST: Al Megrahi’s id has just died.

John M Ward: Re joncraig's tweet just now: there's no fool like an old Foulkes...

no longer anonymous: michael white is satan's way of annoying humanity

BBC’s biased reporting of Global Warming

h/t Autonomous Mind

The Invasion of the Dusty Bins

A legion of Dusty Bin’s greener cousins has just invaded our road: it appears the local council have decided we too are to join the tortured Proletarier Menschen and start our own state run refuse sorting and recycling mini industries. We now have a total of 10 bins, boxes and sacks of various hues.

And to make matters worse, there’s a complicated timetable of collection schedules ranging from weekly and fortnightly all on different days.

I’m going to need a bigger calendar.

There’s the blue box for bottles, tin cans, no plastics; the blue paper sack for squiff mags and the associated used tissues; a mini green box with lid for food wastes; a grey mini box with lid for, er, food wastes – ah I see, the green one is for leaving outside, the grey one inside. WTF? Sod that, I’ll keep the green one inside and throw away the grey. A clear sack for batteries and spectacles? Spectacles? A black sack for textiles (yeah, like I’ve got a living room full of illegal immigrants weaving away making carpets), a black box for plastics and a green bin and sack for garden waste.

Which begs the question: why don’t they just have two black bins collected once a week where everything goes to a big tanker headed off to China where it can be recycled en masse and cheaper?

Well, I’m just going to put the little refuse I have in the black bin and throw the other stuff away. I’m sick of this nonsense. I put a notice up outside my house last year to stop the free newpapers because I was tired of the piles of rotting newsprint stinking the place out. The small contents of my paper shredder make excellent fire starters from the addressed correspondence that I receive.

Also, another thing I hate about the blue box (tins, glass and aerosols, no plastic) is the delightful little early morning front shower it gives you when you lift it up. You see, in their collective wisdom, someone on the blue box designer team thought that if we put some small holes in the bottom of the blue box, then when it rains, the blue box won’t become full of rainwater and become too heavy to lift. Well, as I always say, that’s fine on paper but in practise? Nope, the blue box is lying on the concrete floor and the holes are flush with the ground and are sealed so the rain water does indeed accumulate in the blue box. Why aren’t the holes recessed? Ah, costs, of course...

So bleary eyed, tired and grumpy in the dark, wintery mornings when you pick the blue box up, the water pours out the holes onto your trousers like you’ve been carrying at arm’s length a quadruplet of incontinent, pissing babies. And heavens forbid if you’ve left the dregs of half a dozen bottles of Châteauneuf-du-Pape in there as the stench and colour of that vinegary wine is added to the foul mixture of the morning wakeup call.

Mind you, you get some sympathy at the workplace because everyone at work thinks you’ve got a severe case of kidney stones.

Labour: Education has improved over 13 years

I was brutally awoken this morning by the sudden, hard onset of a wall of high blood pressure when I heard Nick Ferrari on LBC pose this question to one of Labour's Shadow Education ministers, Kevin Brennan:

"So Mr Brennan, do you believe that education has improved over the last 13 years under Labour?"

Brennan replied:

"Yes, education has improved under Labour"

I started furiously reaching out for my mobile to ring in but fortunately other listeners had got there before me. The anger was palpable. Accusations live on air included “liar”, "they should hang their heads in shame", “there should be a law against MP’s lying like that”, “rubbish” and many more. Caller after caller.

I have never, ever heard any MP admit they were wrong. Ever. I suspect that it’s due to the media training that teaches them never admit liability for anything and never answer a direct question unless you can convey your latest policy line or spin.

Journalists should simply state to these “education deniers” that they are liars and unless they retract that statement, the interview is over. Plain and simple.

The last caller summed up the situation quite well. He was a teacher and had been teaching for the last 30 years and stated quite categorically that standards had dropped and compared an O-level maths paper with a GCSE and said a C in the O-level paper would be the equivalent of an A* nowadays.

There was also mention that modules were being removed from certain subjects because pupils found them too hard, especially maths and the sciences and some schools, in order to improve their league positions, encouraged the pupils take the easier subjects e.g. Travel and Tourism instead of Geography.

Glad to see Michael Gove at least attempting to tackle this one.

Guido's PMQs LiveChat: Bonus Banker Bashing Edition

Thanks to Guido for hosting today's LiveChat where the window lickers gather for Wednesday's PMQs.

Once again big thanks to Dick Scratcher for Pantone Watch - this time a Hain Pantone Reference : 813F (Jamie's Carrot Soup).  A nice topical cameo appearance from Calamity Clegg as well!

Some Dodgy Tie comments for Labour's Nick Dakin from John Ward:

Light pink tie on Nick Dakin...

Other contributors:

JULIAN BRAY DUCKHOUSE: Clegg last Tie standing pop rating -9999%

Tiewatcher: Nice tie from Gloucester

Some Vulcan Watch news as John Redwood was mentioned:

Beware of Geeks: Vulcan alert

Urban Tory: Star Trek jokes are not cool Ed

John Ward: Vulcan alert? "Fascinating!"

Far stronger personal attacks from both sides of the house which raised a few eyebrows but overall a little dull.

Here are the highlights:-

Urban Tory: I will pay cash money for anyone who harass Harry

Nick Cleggs Right Foot: ready to kick a child!!

Dick Scratcher: Why does Brillo pretend he likes cricket ?????

Urban Tory: Because Scots love hitting balls with bats

Dick Scratcher: Where is Old Holborn these days???

Guido Fawkes: He watched V for Vendetta one too many times and went insane

Calamity Clegg: We shall not kick the Bankers when we can kick small children.

Calamity Clegg: Tough on tots, tough on the causes of tots.

Dick Scratcher: Julia Gillard likes it damp

Beware of Geeks: UT - Nick looks like his puppy has died

Urban Tory: BoG - It looks like he did it too

Rog: Clegg looking glummer than Prescott at a health farm..

Tuscan Tony: Why is there a sack of potatoes in a burnt orange carpet placed behind Dave?

Calamity Clegg: I will kick any talk of a Euro referendum into touch.

Tuscan Tony: Gloucester=concrete dunghill

Secret Lemonade Drinker: Osbourne needs a holiday somewhere hot. He's very pasty. Maybe Thailand with a few ladyboys?

John Ward: EdM's tie was a small splash of colour in an otherwise grey landscape.

Tuscan Tony: Is Ed getting his hair cut in stages?

John Ward: Alan Johnson making the noises and gestures, but he still doesn't understand his portfolio...

Tuscan Tony: Does the Tory web site have a gunsight targetted on the bankers?

Calamity Clegg: My father was a Banker you know. He used to kick fiscal responibility into me.

JULIAN BRAY DUCKHOUSE: Milli will have to raise the game to a new level say 2 inches...

Urban Tory: what is Cwismas?

John Ward: UT: It comes after Thankthgiving...

Roger Thornhill: Has Johnson been at Hain's jar of plenty

JULIAN BRAY DUCKHOUSE: Hey Gordon brown is in the house! Oh no its a gargoyle on the end of the bench

Steve Miliband: Buzz lightweight

obangobang: If councils don't close the roads, the TUC will.

Dorian Smith: Muddered - is he from Taggart?

Tuscan Tony: Woyal Wedding

Dorian Smith: Bernard jenkins got his mum to fix his tie.

Secret Lemonade Drinker: ALAN: IT'S GRIM UP NORTH LONDON.

Alan: Kenneth Clarke looks ready for lunch at Simpsons on The Strand

Beware of Geeks: Dinenage

Dick Scratcher: HOW!

weybridgeman: Osbourne's drugs are wearing off - he's just staring into the abyss now.

weybridgeman: Nick de Bois MP for Epping Forest - CLASSIC!

Calamity Clegg: Why should it be true, Dave.. that I get a Kick out of you

Dick Scratcher: Mandy likes a big yellow chopper

Blogging Pit

Being a total uber-geek means that I already have a great excuse in buying outrageous pieces of computer kit!

At the business end of my "blogging pit" I have what is commonly referred to as the "tanning salon" - four 24" Dell monitors (one not shown) which means I can pretend I'm Tom Cruise in Minority Report and move windows around all four screens.

Most blogs displayed on the screen award?

Man Widdecombe, Dick Puddlecote, Anna Raccoon, Guido, LegIron and John Ward.

The power to the office is on a separate circuit from the rest of the house and is backed up by an APC UPS which gives enough power for 1 hours worth of World of Warcraft or 2 hours worth of development during a power cut.

There's an air-cooled cabinet containing 4 servers, a Draytek commercial duty firewall, CAT 6 cabling, various wireless peripherals, laser printer/scanner/fax, business ADSL and 10Tb worth of RAID storage - enough for the most depraved amateur porn aficionado.

Music to the office is streamed on the house network via the Popcorn Hour NMT.

I have no life... :)

Happy New Year to you all!

Terribly sorry...

...but work is commanding far more time than I can manage right now.

I missed Guido's PMQs and am unable to make time for the highlights.

Normal service will be resumed after Christmas.

Guido's PMQs Live - Football Edition

Thanks to Guido for hosting today's LiveChat where the window lickers gather for Wednesday's PMQs.


Once again big thanks to Dick Scratcher for Pantone Watch - this time a Hain Pantone Reference : 814D (Snowman’s Nose) !

Labour Parody of the Week goes to Kim Jong-Il with

Ed grows in stature with every PMQ's. He ran Cameron ragged today. Cameron looked rather amateur

Top line has to go to Cameron today with a much better performance than last time:

Rather be a child of Thatcher, than a son of Brown

Here are the highights:

Spank Sinatra: See Ed has still got bird sh** on his head

Tuscan Tony: Morning Chakrabati-lickers.

John Ward: "To infantility (i.e. New Labour) and beyond!"

StretchMarx: Harman wearing the remains of last nights Moules a la Mariniere round her neck

John Ward: Who's this lady "Rosie Scenario"?

Dick Scratcher: Harperson = where the postman likes to empty his sack

Dick Scratcher: People listening on Radio 5 have been phoning in, asking why the elephant man is asking questions.

Guido Fawkes: "Rather be a child of Thatcher, than a son of Brown" killer.

Dick Scratcher: Calm down! Calm down!

Spank Sinatra: Hub cap thief

Dick Scratcher: Yiddipudlian

Praguetory: Scouse comics are out of fashion aren't they?

Dick Scratcher: Mandy likes Olympic rings

Urban Tory: Is it me or has Hague got a bit of a Liberace tie on?

no longer anonymous: paisley is a time lord, he has re-generated

Sres: Son of Bwian!

Dorian Smith: Twitter twats are 5 mins behind FFS>>>>> some of the labour ones are still in the 70's

Spank Sinatra: Another bad advert for wigs

John Ward: "Reddish"? Ideal name for a Labour constituency ;-)

Beware of Geeks: Waking the Dead. One letter away from being the most controversial show on TV.

Tuscan Tony: Wan't thrombosis an early Pink Floyd album?

John Ward: I have safe sacks -- they never split whether for waste or recyclables.

Steve Miliband: Buzz Lightweight just turned into Buzz microlight

Guido's PMQs LiveChat: Miliback Edition

Thanks to Guido for hosting today's LiveChat where the window lickers gather for Wednesday's PMQs.

Apologies for the delay, fellow WindowLickers - unfortunately work commitments reared their ugly head again.

Once again big thanks to Dick Scratcher for Pantone Watch - this time a Hain Pantone Reference : 815A (Spaghettied Baby) !

John Ward wins the Best Line of the Day with:

"He's a real nowhere man, sitting in his Labour land, making all his no-good plans, for Socialists"...

Here are the highlights:

Dick Scratcher-Tebbitite: Houston…we have an arse hole

Billybob: Egg Milibund

Beware of Geeks: I've just made a 3D porn movie - that's one in the eye for the censors.

Dick Scratcher-Tebbitite: f*** off Vicks Sinex

Urban Tory: as if Ed is going on about sport, he was always picked last

Sarf of the River: Clegg affecting a rather smug bastard look

Dick Scratcher-Tebbitite: Red Ed = Adenoid android

Beware of Geeks: My ginger neighbour brought a hot bird home last night. Or Nando's as it's better known.

torybear: RT @joncraig: Theresa May has just poured the PM a glass of water. How loyal is that?Allo, allo! I will say zis only once!

John Ward: Blankety-blank page in Labour's policy eh? Wogan would be proud...

Billybob: Sweaty sock again !!

TimMontgomerie: Ken Clarke looking smug behind Cameron as the PM is asked by Bill Cash why govt hasn't repatriated powers from EU

John Ward: Yes, Ed's back - which is far less unattractive than Ed's front!

Sarf of the River: is my telly on the blink, it's gone all hithy

John Ward: The biggest bust? Is that the Maggie Thatcher one in CCHQ?

Rog: Is Ed actually transgendering as we watch? His voice is the giveaway.

John Ward: "He's a real nowhere man, sitting in his Labour land, making all his no-good plans, for Socialists"...

Dick Scratcher: LATEST: Al Megrahi’s penile warts have just died.

Dorian Smith: hattie's got a great moustache

Urban Tory: where does Vaz sit now?

Beware of Geeks: @Urban Tory - in a pot of Vaz-oline

Dick Scratcher: Berger - ding dong

Hugh Jardon: how much would you like to jizz all over her shakers??

Tuscan Tony: Bring Nigeria into the EU, send the British workshy there

Urban Tory: Liz Truss woof woof

Dick Scratcher: Liz Truss wants it this aft - on the desk

BBC In Need

I see from Grumpy Old Twat's stonking blog that the Beeb's hand-washingly cringing Children In Need is back and in an orgy of pandering to their sacred gods Politicus and Correcticus, they have spawned another obsequious looking idol for worship - a girl bear called Blush. And she's not yellow. No siree, she's a brown bear so we can all hold hands and celebrate our new found friend, in the name of allah diversity.

Well, to continue in that theme and to offer, royalty free, a further boost to their franchise, your humble Geeks presents the following to the BBC: Talibear!

Guido's PMQs LiveChat: Harman AGAIN Edition

Thanks to Guido for hosting today's LiveChat where the window lickers gather for Wednesday's PMQs. Another dull one again today with the Labour second-in-command, Harman sparring with Dave.  I say sparring, having been briefed by Ed Balls to use up all her questions on an attack over police cuts.

No Pantone reference today although Dick Scratcher, Tuscan Tony, John Ward and JULIAN BRAY ROYAL RANTZ noticed that Harman's Giraffe Skin Safari Suit is back.

Disco Biscuit and Guido spotted Gordon Henderson's bad choice of attire: a clashing yellow tie on a dark blue shirt while Urban Tory inquired whether Clegg's green tie was bought from the House of Commons shop?

Worst Pun of the Week award goes to John Ward with:

Is he offering a breath of fresh Ayr?

Here are the highlights:

Dick Scratcher: Is Red Ed a panda that CMD brought back from China?

Steve Miliband: You're so vain, you probably think this PMQ's is about you...

Beware of Geeks: Can I be the first to say: Kate Middleton, the first person to squeeze into Princess Diana's ring since Dodi Al Fayed.

Steve Miliband: Kate Middleclasston

Beware of Geeks: If I were Kate Middleton I'd take that bloody ring to Mount Doom.

Dick Scratcher: Alan Johnston doing Old Man Steptoe impression

Headsonpoles: Harperson starting to go up a few octaves - dolphins of the world beware

frig: "she sounds like a schoolmistress now" that makes me horny

Urban Tory: She is out of her depth, leave PMQs to the Men luv

Dick Scratcher: F*** off you frying pan faced hag

John Ward: Alan Johnson: from postman to Home Sec to Shadow Chancellor...

Tom FD: maybe there should be a Brillo-in-PMQs drinking game

torybear: Notice Dave has started taking notes to PMQs. Didn't used to

Dick Scratcher: Mandy likes night sticks

the last quango in paris: a lot of grey hair on the labour front bench

Sarf of the River: is the beast of bolsover letting one out silently?

Having a Giraffe Harman: Put a load of IT Geeks in Riot Gear and give them Tazers. Brill !!

Mitch and Murray: I want YAB to commit adultery in front of an Iranian crowd

Llew: Wind your neck back in Harpie, just because you look like one....

Dick Scratcher: New police commisioners: "Squeal like a pig fat boy"

Rats arse: Look at the Labour front bench - faces like smacked arses

Secret Lemonade Drinker: Bercow, shut up, you jumped up little dwarf.

guidofawkes: Chamber just went "whoooooo" taking the mick out of Squeaker slapping down next questioner. Did Bercow get out of the bed on the wrong side?

Headsonpoles: Which dwarf is Bercow playing in pantomime this year?

Dick Scratcher: Short money = Bercow's salary

Disco Biscuit: Who is the little midget who keeps standing up and shouting at people?

Emily Maitlis: I'm now so old my pussy is haunted.

Tuscan Tony: Priti good.

John Ward: Is he offering a breath of fresh Ayr?

Sarf of the River: Coulson should tell Dave he needs some botox

Beware of Geeks: Apparently its not the weather thats caused the flooding in Cornwall. Big Kat Slater's waters have broken, thats all.

John Ward: I suspect Sally Bercow has been working on the Speaker this morning, or perhaps yesterday evening.

Dick the Prick: Stretchy midwives?

Dick Scratcher: That's not all thats stretched to breaking point...

Dick Scratcher: LATEST: Al Megrahi’s knob cheese has just died.

Dick Scratcher: Jordan = new silicon valley

the last quango in paris: bloody hell is there not a mobile hairdresser who can go around labour hq?

Dick Scratcher: Ken Clarke "Mmmm soldiers...with a bit of pepper"

Dick the Prick: Which bogs does Angela Eagle use?

Tuscan Tony: DtP: Angela uses a bush.

John Ward: Tony Lloyd's hair shows he's been playing with a Van der Graaf generator...

TheAngloSaxon: "CARRY ON BERCOW"

Tuscan Tony: Wasn't Tony Lloyd married to Chris Evert a while back?

John Ward: Prescott-land is Hull on earth!

Guido's PMQs LiveChat: Harman Again Edition

Thanks to Guido for hosting today's LiveChat where the window lickers gather for Wednesday's PMQs. Another dull one again today with the second-in-commands, Harman getting the advantage with the reneging on the tutition deal by the LibDems but Cleggy found his voice and fought back towards the end.  A total of 12 questions were directed by Labour MPs to Clegg about the tuition fees - initially an effective attack but by the end it was as stale as one of MacMental's deliveries.

No Pantone reference today although Dorian Smith and who you gonna call? PORKB both noticed that Bercow's tie was "a disgrace" and "a tie from hell".  ChristianJMay maintained the tie theme and rebuked the antagonistic Bercow by saying "I'll tell you what the public disapprove of, Bercow, THAT tie".

Best Line of the Week goes to newcomer ChristianJMay with a comment on the unusual "danglers" (as John Ward said) surrounding Harman's neck:

What's that thing round Harman's neck? Looks like she fell into a box of Xmas decorations

An additional mention and a proposed new category: Worst Pun of the Week goes to John Ward for:

John Ward: Gavin isn't one of the "movers and Shukers", clearly!

 
Here are the highlights:
 
Guido Fawkes: Morning Windowlickers

Hugh Jardon: I prefer tuppence licking..

Spank Sinatra: Tongues out & bottoms up etc

Beware of Geeks: Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick.... mmmmm this Windows 7 is tasty

Spank Sinatra: Morning Geeky - you've found my hard disk?

Beware of Geeks: I've just formatted it with my tongue - should be better now

Dick Scratcher: Harman in Wonderbra again

John Ward: I still miss the giraffe outfit...

Spank Sinatra: Not more anal beads ffs!

Billy Blofeld: Will Dromey be waving his order papers at her every utterance?

Beware of Geeks: Lot's of clicking on the iPlayer - anyone else getting that, or is it simply Harman's lizard tail striking the benches?

ChristianJMay: What's that thing round Harman's neck? Looks like she fell into a box of Xmas decorations

Dick Scratcher: Shut up you moon faced cow - just cos you dropped your knickers for Dromey

C4politics: Harman joke - we all know that in Freshers Week you meet a dodgy bloke and you do things you regret - comparing the coalition

Dick Scratcher: Ken Clarke has eaten Eric Pickles

William Hague: I'm wearing the yellow silk tie that Chris gave me

Sres: Don't make Clegg angry, you won't like him when he's angry

Beware of Geeks: I'd like to see Harman in a bikini to be honest - does that make me a possible recipient for medical care in the community?

Dick the Prick: @BoG - yes, ofcourse

John Ward: I am still trying to work out what those danglers are around Harman's neck. Even in close-up I can't see what they are, except weird!

John Ward: Perhaps next time, perhaps in early December, Harman's Xmas decorations necklace with include flashing mutli-coloured lights...

Dick Scratcher: Jack Dromey likes a sausage sandwich...don't blame him really looking at those

Dick Scratcher: Mmmm...dumping on students...mmmmm.

Dick Scratcher: Hammond doing his Rolf Harris sketch

Gordon Brown: Buy my book Beyond the Crash at all good book stores for Xmas. Read it and weep. It's the right thing to do.

Yardarm: Hague not in China because Cameron worried about sharing a hotel room with him.

Hugh Jardon: um bongo anyone?

Dick the Prick: @HJ - hee hee

Dick Scratcher: G Young has just finished painting the Cistine Chapel

Beware of Geeks: What is it with the mention of Sheffield Forgemasters all the time?

jack: "What is it with the mention of Sheffield Forgemasters all the time? " She loves a good hammering.

Spank Sinatra: Oooh - a mullet

Beware of Geeks: I won't take advice from a mullet

Billy Blofeld: Ha! Ha! @Beware of Geeks

Dick Scratcher: Shat it you slag! Is your dog as fit as a Butcher's Dog?

John Ward: Gavin isn't one of the "movers and Shukers", clearly!

Urban Tory: John, i would say you're better than that but i think i know better

John Ward: Ollie Ensure?

Dazza: Ollie Unsure?

Spank Sinatra: She practiced that with her knees behind her ears last night

Gordon Brown: Buy my book Beyond the Crash at all good bookstores.

Dick Scratcher: Farron's suit too big - mummy bought one he can grow in to

Dick Scratcher: Ephalump AGAIN

Spank Sinatra: She needs a barn

Hugh Jardon: it's a big 'un

John Ward: Has my TV switched aspect ratio?

Dick the Prick: Could camp out in her beef handbags

Billy Bowden: How many obese MPS are there ?????

John Ward: "Blenkinsop"? Good name for a Geordie - not!

Spank Sinatra: Nasty piece of work

genghiz the kahn: Prime minister's question time was brought to you by NUS monkeys.

Sres: That's one flat face

John Ward: Reminds me of the CGI Incredible Hulk's head, apart from not being green-coloured!

If only Dragon's Den was really like this!