Guido's PMQs LiveChat: Budget Bashing Edition

Where Guido's window lickers come and gather, to blather and let rip their feelings on all things politics as the MPs assemble for the Wednesday lunchtime ritual of Prime Minister's Question Time.

A maelstrom of lexicon, a staccato of snipes, an orgy of aggressive and jocular banter hosted by Guido.

Did you miss the funny one liners from Messrs Ward, Sinatra, Stone and Scratcher?!?

Well fear not - here are the highlights and if Harman's head explodes Scanner style, then god forgive you for not being there to laugh out loud on Guido's Live Chat!


What's for lunch Carlos?

MIA


Theresa May Spacesuit Watch

MIA


Harman's "Big Game" Safari watch

Beware of Geeks: No giraffe suit - bah

Ghost of Greg Stone: Zebra to the right


Hain (and Cam) Pantone Watch

Dick Scratcher: Cameron Pantone Reference : 817F (Volcanic Andre)

Dick Scratcher: Hain Pantone Reference : 810B (Spring Gavin Henson)


TeatherWatch

MIA


Dodgy Tie of the Week

Tom FD: clegg wearing a red tie?


Star Trek Watch

Beware of Geeks: Star Trek refeerence

gone fuckin mental: black hole

Ghost of Greg Stone: Star trek joke fell flat this week

Should_Be_Working: More Star Trek stuff?

Posh Tory: Hate to point out that you can't dig in a black hole...


Talon Watch

Roger Thornhill: Careful Cameron, you appear to be catching the curse of the claw


Labour parody of the Week

Heard it all before dave: PFIs still exist, they are tory policy, deficit reduction, no, they increase the deficit. Dave's full of **** and is merely consolidating his and his fellow millionaires' wealth.


Best line of the Week

John Ward: *Vince* Cable TV!!


Highlights

Dick Scratcher: Dismal Dave = dolphin friendly twat

obangobang: Nandy's handy, apparently.

Dick Scratcher: Stand by for a repeat of the scene from ‘Scanners’ when Harperson’s head explodes

Barry Fuckwit: Has Dave got his mum sat next to him?

Dorian Smith: Oh dear, hereeeeeeee's Michael White!

Tiewatcher: Spag Bollocks

gone fuckin mental: 3-0 from the back

Dick Scratcher: Smash - right in the back of the neck

Beware of Geeks: It's funny hearing Labour having a go at the Tories - it's like blaming your morning dump on your neighbour's carpet.... on your neighbour!

Spank Sinatra: Oh sit down you little runt

Should_Be_Working: Cameron's not straight? Does Samantha know?

Beware of Geeks: Geek-onomics surely

obangobang: I'd like to wish England the best of luck tomorrow on their journey home

obangobang: Cristophe Lamby Pie?

Ghost of Greg Stone: Fusion research for the coalition?

Spank Sinatra: Large hadron collider couldn't make them love each other

13eastie: DC appears to have found Carol Caplin's sun-bed in the attic of No. 10

Beware of Geeks: What's that? Vevuzelas, thousands of them!

Roger Thornhill: Bercow sounds like he is calling out "Cashier number four, please"

Dick Scratcher: I’ve worked out why Dismal Dave gave the cosmonaut the Home Office – he parks his bike in her cleavage

Beware of Geeks: Andrew Selous like Petit Filous!

John Ward: "Mmm. Port Salut!"

Ghost of Greg Stone: Thats cheesy John Ward

John Ward: I know, Ghost, but I'm just a softy. When I'm being hard, I go for blue Stilton.

Dick the Prick: Whoa - need a distillery to shag that

Should_Be_Working: We forecast that the number of children living under Labour will be zero.

Dick the Prick: Peter Bone - hee hee hee

Dick Scratcher: Cow in house

Spank Sinatra: This guy does not have opposable thumbs

MisterE: Blimey - she hasn't missed many dinners...

Dick Scratcher: Who is that fat bastard?

John Ward: Diane Abbott, I think, or John Prescott...

Beware of Geeks: The bastard spinster of Abbot and Prescott's affair

Dick Scratcher: She has 2 Jags for lunch

Ghost of Greg Stone: Stuff Sinn Fein

Dick Scratcher: Can you hear ticking?

John Ward: Surely Hexham (from its name) should have *six* pubs?

jgm2: Surely Hexham should have six pigs. I think I slept with all of them.

Beware of Geeks: Ozzie looks like he's about to throw up - been to a good party last night - drink, coke and hookers

keeprightonline: I'm so sound they've started calling me 'Vuvuzela'... also coz I'm annoying as ****

Sir Trev Skint MP: Just in case there are any Talybunnies listening

Ghost of Greg Stone: Fog in Channel, Continent isolated.

Spank Sinatra: Diane Abbot's black hole? Yuk

Wanted Poster

Much fun to be found here

Guido's PMQs Live - Highlights

Missed all the banter on Guido's Live PMQs? Can't be bothered to trawl through pages of the windowlicking scribblings of the demented? Want to see the highlights in one easy to digest posting?

Well, welcome to the weekly Guido's PMQs Live - Highlights

Harman's Second Chance Edition

What's for lunch Carlos

MIA



Theresa May Spacesuit Watch

MIA



Harman's "Big Game" Safari watch

old holborn: harman, giraffe or camo?

Beware of Geeks: Giraffe I hope OH - I've got my big hunting rifle in anticipation

old holborn: nope, shes borrowed a sparkly suit from Oxfam

old holborn: liberace wants his jacket back after

old holborn: she looks like a badly stuffed sofa

John Ward: That's an old, original Cyberman costume that Harman's wearing: I recognise that shine anywhere!



Hain Pantone Watch

Dick Scratcher: Peter Hain Pantone Ref : 817D (Dickinson Teak)



TeatherWatch

MIA



Dodgy Tie of the Week

Tiewatcher: Miller: bad choice of tie for that shirt

Tiewatcher: Stuart Andrew tie acceptable

Tiewatcher: dramatic tie fail in row behind. brown and pink not a good fashion combination

Tiewatcher: carswell - not a good look - stripes, checks, and non matching tie. poor.

Tiewatcher: Elfyn's tie not bad but better with a navy suit



Star Trek Watch

.243 Win: CMD on Star Trek watch !

Beware of Geeks: Star Trek watch from Cam!!!

Northern Tory: treckie

Hugh Janus: Star Trek!

Dick Scratcher: Mandy has trouble with Klingons

adamboulton: HH: does he agree unemployment is never a price worth paying. DC: Labour leadership election looks like a star trek convention. Apologize!

John Ward: Star Trek/leadership connection: well, they have a Uhura in the running, though no Scotties...




Talon Watch

.243 Win: How long before we see a Harman claw ?

Beware of Geeks: @243 - talon, surely?

.243 Win: Geeks : OK, "talon watch" it is.....

Smig: Where is Harm men's clunking fist? I misst the mic being battered.

John Ward: Harman'd Got Talons!"

Ghost of Greg Stone: Pointy claw again


Labour parody of the Week

Proud to be Labour: Only the public sector can save Britain. We need a big investment in the public sector - at the cost of the private sector. The private sector ebbs and flows, but the public sector is eternal.



Best line of the Week

mort: damn my dog just farted... oddly it smells better than the labour party!


Highlights

torybear: Will be on Sky News at 7pm. Discussing banking reform, but most importantly - beard or no beard?

Beware of Geeks: @ToryBear - borrow a merkin

John Ward: I don't think ToryBear was referring to Harman (as per preceding comments here) w.r.t. the "beard"...

Dick Scratcher: Ken Clarke has a mirkin

Dick Scratcher: Harperson has a beard cos she's had too many facelifts

old holborn: god, it's bloody hogwarts

John Ward: OH yes! The Tin (Har-)Man!

.243 Win: Wasn't the tin-thing looking for a heart ? Oddly appropriate...

Beware of Geeks: I see Lurch has returned to support Harman

.243 Win: The old advert campaign was right : Harpic : Clean round the bend....

stew: that grumblehound next to harperson is giving me the creeps. i'm off for a Radox bath

old holborn: Michael White really is a weapons grade bellend

Dr Bombastic: Pudsey - does he represent teddy bears?

Tiewatcher: who's the creepy looking Mr Bean lookalike down the end of the Govt frontbench?

Keith josephs head: In the wide shot is that the Green Party Bird siiting with clear space either sideof her? she must smell funny

Dick Scratcher: Ainsworth is fixing his Cortina at the weekend

.243 Win: Looks like one of those purple things you get in a tin of Quality Street.

Spank Sinatra: I always spit those purple ones out

Smig: Blunket playing a blinder on the backbenches

Dorian Smith: Can we at least get rid of Michael White's photo, almost bad as his pompous posts

Beware of Geeks: Corr, Sir White pouring out the snipes today - he's been on the sherry again?

Dick Scratcher: Thank God T May is not in that strapless dress

mort: damn my dog just farted... oddly it smells better than the labour party!

Beware of Geeks: I do wish that alien implant would break out of Ken Clarke live on TV - that would be a scoop

old holborn: why do we need hill farmers? Holland doesn't

mort: MW: just sod off and find a choirboy for your fun you gormless twat

Wearyside: just noticed Ken Clark is still alive,, I had a lovely dream last night he was involved in a hideous accident involving penguins and a chainsaw :(

Hugh Janus: Has Saint Vince got a bad attack of piles?

Doktorb: Graham Brady - a cartoon version of Prince William

Dick Scratcher: Fur berger

mort: guido please lose the MW twits he is worse than a muslim at a an army parade

John Ward: Ah, the Munsters had another daughter!

old holborn: Wednesday Addams

Beware of Geeks: Everyday Addams

.243 Win: OH : Surely shold be "Sabbath Addams" ?

Spank Sinatra: Check your hub caps - scouser alert

TNT: She could suck a golf ball through a hose pipe

Dick Scratcher: Lammy : "2+2=5"

Spank Sinatra: Who do you think deregulated betting you twat?

Dick Scratcher: Thought Lammy could have done that with a rap - a la John Barnes

Guido's PMQs Live - Highlights

Missed all the banter on Guido's Live PMQs? Can't be bothered to trawl through pages of the windowlicking scribblings of the demented? Want to see the highlights in one easy to digest posting?

Well, welcome to the weekly Guido's PMQs Live - Highlights

Harman's Second Chance Edition



What's For Lunch Carlos?

MIA



Theresa May Spacesuit Watch

Beware of Geeks: I've spied Theresa May - she's wearing the spacesuit again!

dmh: Theresa May-space 1999 oufit.

Steve Expat: Theresa in the space suit again!

Harman's "Big Game" Safari watch

Steve Expat: no giraffe suit this week

Spank Sinatra: Good grief - my screen's having a fit!

Beware of Geeks: Just gonna get my hunting rifle

Old holborn: get a shotgun, all of you, quick

Dick the Prick: Spilt Jack's spunk over her

Billy Blofeld: Is that some sort of urban camoflage on Hattie?

John Ward: We're back to the original giraffe outfit this week, rather than the backup one we saw last week...

Dick Scratcher: She's wearing a sofa

Hain Pantone Watch

Dick Scratcher: Hain Pantone ref - 818B (Belisha Pepper)

TeatherWatch

The little hamster pixie was missing



Dodgy Tie of the Week

Ghost of Greg Stone: Hague with a yellow tie the coalition is going too far

Robson S: Hague got the mustard tie on and growing the hair back a la Ming - has he been traded to the LibDems? Tessa Jowell looks like Rosa Klebb on downers - not even that dress will cheer her up. Probably thinking of how Berlisconi cocked things up for Millsy

Tiewatcher: Hague favours yellow ties - classic lt blue shirt / yellow tie combo, always good with a navy suit

Bill Quango MP: Its not a yellow tie..its his judo belt

Spank Sinatra: Don't forget Hagues spandex outfit underneath however

Tiewatcher: Desmond Swayne's tie quite good - directly behind Cam

JULIAN BRAY DUCKHOUSE: cleggy gone green tie seen that one before >matalan

Tiewatcher: nice tie behind George Young

Tiewatcher: good effort from VInce on the tie front

Star Trek Watch

No Vulcans sighted



Claw Watch

Unsworth: Seems to have caught the box banging disease. Something on the Govt benches? Next, The Claw? Urgent medical assistance needed, I think.

Labour parody of the Week

Strangely absent



Best line of the Week

Dick Scratcher: Q: What is Diane Abbot going to do about defence? A: Paint it de same colour as de house.

Highlights

Steve Expat: Morning from somewhere hot and sunny!!

Beware of Geeks: Cleethorpes?

guidofawkes: Just did a bit of voguing to Daily Politics guess the year soundtrack. Memories..

Old holborn: anyone seen Gordon? Is he at the Priory?

Billy Blofeld: Not the Priory - Jonah's been hanging around BP a lot....

Old holborn: Great news about abolishing free school meals. Most kids round our way look like Jabba the ****ing Hut

Dick the Prick: Mr Spunker

Robson S: Gordon ever gonna show up? Watched that documentary on Nixon again last night - remarkable similarities with McDoom

Dick Scratcher: I thought glenoglaza was an Italian window shine ???

Beware of Geeks: Roger de Courcey's got a new job I see

Dick Scratcher: Let the sheep shaggers have independence & we'll take our public sector jobs out

Old holborn: Set the Welsh adrift

John Ward: Disdain from Hain, but he's a pain!

John Ward: Not so far Farronn as Faraway, I think...

Ghost of Greg Stone: Can you ban MichaelWhite Guido boring idiot

Dick the Prick: BAN STUFF NOW. Down with this sort of thing

Billy Blofeld: Hattie and Tessa look like they have dressed for Songs of Praise...

Head Lizard: Hague uses too much noggin polish

JULIAN BRAY DUCKHOUSE: Can't see Gordon Brown anywhere must be saving the world (cup)

Dick the Prick: Danger danger, high voltage high voltage

PSBCustard: Osborne looks as though he's dreaming of knocking one out over Harperson's tits

JULIAN BRAY DUCKHOUSE: hair by harmony... or har by harmony

Dick Scratcher: Beware of Geeks - who's the T shirt model on your website? Can I have her number?

Beware of Geeks: @Dick Scratcher - my man boobs

John Ward: Harman: "Um, let's think of a way to make this look like I'm right..."

Steve Expat: Shut up Hattie, I know you're not used to seeing an honest answer at PMQs but you got one!

Dick Scratcher: Eric Pickles wants an equal seat to Sarah Teather

Old holborn: Eric Pickles should have to win two seats

Billy Blofeld: Abbott and Balls - fantastic...

guidofawkes: Unconfirmed rumour that Diane Abbott has made it through

Beware of Geeks: @Guido - made it through? What, a morning without eating 18 cakes?

Dick Scratcher: Tessa Jowell is wearing the curtains...

Headsonpoles: Vote Abbot - or Spitfire or London Pride

Tom FD: may looks awful

Beware of Geeks: @Tom FD - It's what prolonged exposure to zero gravity does to you

guidofawkes: Hattie's comedian script writer shows her skills

Beware of Geeks: "Bring back Gordon!" Er, no sorry,.. nurse, my pills please

PSBCustard: You don't need CCTV. Just shoot all miscreants and put more bobbies on the beat.

Old holborn: Ed Balls is Alf Garnett LOVE IT

Old holborn: @Ed Balls "Blaaahdy Cooonns"

Bill Quango MP: In Sickness and in Health - ed and hattie

Old holborn: Ken Clark is nursing his unborn baby

Billy Blofeld: Wolverine's grandad

Spank Sinatra: Love the racoon hat

Old Holborn: osbourne is on "pause"

Dick Scratcher: Ozzy needs new batteries

Steve Expat: "Big is not always beautiful" - Kerry McCarthy?

Spank Sinatra: Lots of fish in Luton

Beware of Geeks: An equal opportunity haddock

Spank Sinatra: She could suck start a Harley

Dick Scratcher: Wasn't she on Property Ladder?

DS Need to be a strong ****ing ladder...

Old Holborn: We need high speed rail to get the heroin addled wife beaters back to Scotland asap

Dick Scratcher: Mandy wants to come on England

Quote of the Day: Dave's got more plants than a Vietnamese cannabis factory FFS.

What's the carbon footprint of a pint of beer?

I couldn't give a shit personally as all this global warming nonsense is just bollocks, but sometimes it can produce some nuggets of amusement.  From the great An Englishman's Castle blog, the host makes good a quip about the banality of a Guardianista journalist, fist deep in his frotting diatribe of carbon footprinting eco-onanism on the amount of CO2 released when producing a pint of beer and comparing it to the output from black tea production, when suddenly a comment appears that makes one chortle enough to have one reaching for the emergency bottle of cask strength Laphroaig:

Black tea? What a load of whining f*cking puritans.


My carbon footprint for beer can be seen on any hippy's back as I climb over the barbeque to get to the bar/fridge.

Thank you nbc!