Recycling my recycle bins

Well, it had to happen after the last post.

Yes, in an über effort of greenness on my behalf and a token nod to the 10 items of recycling containers that have been dumped on my driveway without any explanation from the council, I've finally recycled my recycle bins.

Yeah, I feel I've done my part.

Guido's PMQs LiveChat: "Negative Growth" Edition

Thanks to Guido for hosting today's LiveChat where the windowlickers (or as Tuscan Tony likes to call us: fenestral slaverers – nice one!) gather for Wednesday's PMQs.

Quite a good one today with Cameron on fiery form and RedEd inevitably playing the Coulson joker which Cameron batted away with some ease.

Lots of Dodgy Ties of the Week this session and the unusual situation of having so many MPs having ties with various strange hues of green:

Dick Scratcher: Nice tie toenails !!!

Dick Scratcher: ...my daughter has a pair of knickers that pattern

JULIANBRAY DUCKHOUSE: Loads of Blue ties on the COALITION front bench

John M Ward: Lavender tie on Ed-M...

JULIANBRAY DUCKHOUSE: purple tie pretentions of lordship

John M Ward: Interesting colour (green) tie...

iainmartinwsj: Bad shirt/tie combo from Ed Balls, pale lilac tie with pale lilacish shirt shld be a non-starter. Philip Hammond properly dressed BTW

Thanks as always to Dick Scratcher with his Hain Pantone Reference:

Hain Pantone Reference : 819G (Punkawalla Piri Piri)

Pun of the Week is awarded to PunMeister Special John M Ward when referring to Labour's Elizabeth Truss for:

John M Ward: Coo! Those are big beads around her neck. Perhaps it's a form of truss...

Although Tuscan Tony almost pipped the post with his pun aimed at Labour's Hot Totty, Stella Creasy:

Tuscan Tony: Stella can have a pint of mine.

Best line of the Week goes to Dick Scratcher with the outrageously five fingered shuffled:

Dick Scratcher: Is it “sexistismistic” to state that I would like to shoot my fat all over Caroline Flint’s face?

Here are the highlights:-


Dick Scratcher: Nice tie toenails !!!

Dick Scratcher: ...my daughter has a pair of knickers that pattern

Tuscan Tony: Morning fenestral slaverers

John M Ward: Howdy gang. Earwig-o again!

Dick Scratcher: Is it “sexistismistic” to state that I would like to shoot my fat all over Caroline Flint’s face?

Genghiz the Kahn: flint looks like a giraffe.

jgm2: @Ghengiz - looking like a giraffe is Harman's job.

Ed But Look Balls: Flint's Fat Fighs on view!

Dick the Prick: Balls looking tres smug. Ian got the strap-on again this morning?

John M Ward: What is that strange pattern on Caroline Flint's top/dress? Reminds me of something from a Horror Channel trailer...

Tuscan Tony: Flinty: she should be a footie linesgirl.

Beware of Geeks: First dig at Balls

Tuscan Tony: scratch rather than dig, BoG

stormforce: Did Gordon throw tippexth on rEd's head?

Dick the Prick: Ed looks very smart - his mum will be proud. Musn't be late for tea though - fish fingers tonight

Tuscan Tony: Economy was growing because you borrowed £ 300bn. Fantasist.

joolzg: golden inheritence, good one

Beware of Geeks: Balls... a face and look you never tire of punching

the money shot: the four letter C word-------CUTS

John M Ward: Ed'th thurprithed...

Tuscan Tony: I have to laugh: the two Eds- woudl it be possible to choose two more hilarious muppets?

Dick Scratcher: Better to quote Dickie Davies - "And now the wrestling..."

obangobang: Oh dear. He's fired the Coulson bazooka and it blew up in his face.

Joe T: Ed's just been shadow chancelowned

Govt-By-Cluster-F***: Balls has got that "Gordon" look

JULIANBRAY DUCKHOUSE: just opened a bottle of Courage Directors ----Moats Moggy

Beware of Geeks: I wonder if we could have a PMQs where ever time a question isn't answered Esther McVey takes an item of clothing off

Tuscan Tony: BoG: or Harriet puts another bag over her head.

Beware of Geeks: I would bring back Gordon to ensure all clothes are removed by the eigth question

John M Ward: Back on track now, with a Geordie glottle-stopper...

John M Ward: "In the interest of furrness" ??

John M Ward: Coo! Those are big beads around her neck. Perhaps it's a form of truss...

Tuscan Tony: Pearl necklace, John Ward

Dorian Smith: "Is that Clare Short's sister?" - could be her stunt double

John M Ward: "Clare Short" "stunt double". If that Short, more like a stunted double...

Dick Scratcher: LATEST: Al Megrahi’s tortoise has just died.

JULIANBRAY DUCKHOUSE: IF THEY ARE IN A CARE HOME WHY DO THE NEED A MOBILITY ALLOWANCE FOR A CAR ETC

jgm2: @JulianBray - because the Labour councillor's brother runs the local Mobility franchise.

Urban Tory: looks like she's got Bagpuss on her head

Beware of Geeks: I've found Mrs Slocombe's pussy!

the last quango in paris: the speaker is sounding more and more like the bloke from bullseye

Dick Scratcher: LATEST : The BBC are launching a political game show in Spring. Contestants Martin Sorrell, Gerry Robinson, Jonathan Powell, Martin Amis and Christopher Meyer will compete to establish which one of them is anatomically furthest up their own arse.

iainmartinwsj: That Osborne shirt today is an absolute stinker. One of his spads needs to take charge of Chancellors wardrobe, and get him a haircut

Jolly Roger: Stella Creasy? I prefer Atella Artois

Tuscan Tony: Stella can have a pint of mine.

Dick Scratcher: Blackpool...full of slags. (Not complaining)

Dick Scratcher: Does she live under a bridge?

Guido's PMQs LiveChat: Fags and Booze for All Editional

Thanks to Guido for hosting today's LiveChat where the windowlickers gather for Wednesday's PMQs.

A much more lively event this time round with RedEd splitting his questions between the recently announced unemployment figures and the NHS. Dave was on much better form this time and was quick on his feet to pretty much wipe the floor with RedEd's questions. However, there is a noticeable McRuin trait which Dave is adopting: the lack of a direct answer to a question.

Once again big thanks to our print specialist Dick Scratcher for Pantone Watch - this time a Hain Pantone Reference : 814B (Paisley’s Sash) but Steve Miliband pre-empted with "Letwin Red" but failed to provide an allocated number.

Dodgy Tie of the Week had a couple of contributors with our ever watchful sartorial spy Tiewatcher and an eagle eyed John Ward:

Tiewatcher: assumed the Garrick tie was Ken Clarke, but clearly not

John M Ward: Pastel striped tie on Baldry.

Tiewatcher: Nice coalition tie from Birtwistle

There was no Labour Parody of the Week unless you counted Michael White's Haw Haw like gibberish on Twitter and as one windowlicker stated, it's funny how Michael White never commented on the fact that McRuin never used to answer a question. Quite.

Pun of the Week is awarded as usual to the groanmaster himself John Ward with the excellent effort of:

John M Ward: Yes, Steve: Brazier always brings the burning issues to the House!

Dick Scratcher wins the Line with the Most Profanities targeted at Bercow's rather whimsical anecdote when trying to quieten the house:

Dick Scratcher: F*** off Berc***

And the Best Line of the Week was shared with a classic old one-two play to use football parlance between Dick Scratcher and no longer anonymous:

Dick Scratcher: Blunkett's dog had that leg for lunch

Dick Scratcher: ...or maybe Eric Pickles ate it?

no longer anonymous: pickles, dislocate your jaw and prepare to swallow

Here are the highlights:-


Praguetory: Mithker Thpeaker complathenthy

nabidana.com: It's not a lisp. It's idiocy escaping through the sides of his moronic mouth

Dick Scratcher: The Elephant Man gave him elocution lessons

Guest: Thirteen years to f*** it up, eight months to sort it out.

Dorian Smith: Today's labour trolls are sponsored by PennyRed's researcher, they are obviously flush with cash.

nabidana.com: Is Red Ed wearing a retainer?

Steve Miliband: Rumble in the jungle of oldham

no longer anonymous: osborne on mushrooms

nabidana: Osborne looks like he's going to hurl

Spank Sinatra: Ed - I'll have a coffee, one sugar and just a dash of milk please .....

Spank Sinatra: Pickles looks like he has that final wafer thin mint and is set to explode

no longer anonymous: has pickles eaten miliband?

Dick Scratcher: Chris Bryant likes night sticks

Spank Sinatra: Mr Y-fronts

Praguetory: More panto

Dick Scratcher: Triumph Sodomite

guidofawkes: Ooh get her #pmqs [via Twitter]

Dick the Prick: New Jersey just sacked half its coppers - it started in America after all.

obangobang: Brazier's on fire!! Sorry, I'll get my coat.

John M Ward: Yes, Steve: Brazier always brings the burning issues to the House!

Steve Miliband: Brazier's career will go up in smoke

Billy Bowden: Shut up Bercow !!!!!!

Dick Scratcher: F*** off Berc***

Spank Sinatra: Stand up Bercow

no longer anonymous: mithter thpeaker, can i have an ethtenthion on my homework?

Spank Sinatra: Harpic looks as though she can smell a disaster

Dr Bombastic: who stole Hattie's breasts?

Labour bankrupted the UK: Hey Ed, how long is a piece of string...

no longer anonymous: like a younger john major without the charisma

Dick Scratcher: Blunkett's dog had that leg for lunch

Dick Scratcher: ...or maybe Eric Pickles ate it?

no longer anonymous: pickles, dislocate your jaw and prepare to swallow

nabidana: Sir Peter Tapsell, AKA Young Mr Grace. 'You're all doing very well'.

Dorian Smith: Goodman for next Miss Marple

nabidana: From behind, in the dark, she looks like Darth Vader.

Praguetory: Who cut her hair?

Billy Bowden: David blunkett?

no longer anonymous: david blunkett's dog

no longer anonymous: pickles looks enraged

concrete pump: I think you'll find that's 'engorged'.

Beware of Geeks: Pickles looks like he's hatching a large Ginsters

Wavy Davy: Eric Pickles ate blunkett's dog.

Spank Sinatra: Possibly the most boring man in the world?

John M Ward: Just woken up: what was that question?

Spank Sinatra: Imagine being stuck beside him on a long-haul flight

John M Ward: Not so much (Naomi) Long as Wide!

obangobang: A cunning plan, Baldry?

Dick Scratcher: LATEST: Al Megrahi’s id has just died.

John M Ward: Re joncraig's tweet just now: there's no fool like an old Foulkes...

no longer anonymous: michael white is satan's way of annoying humanity

BBC’s biased reporting of Global Warming

h/t Autonomous Mind

The Invasion of the Dusty Bins

A legion of Dusty Bin’s greener cousins has just invaded our road: it appears the local council have decided we too are to join the tortured Proletarier Menschen and start our own state run refuse sorting and recycling mini industries. We now have a total of 10 bins, boxes and sacks of various hues.

And to make matters worse, there’s a complicated timetable of collection schedules ranging from weekly and fortnightly all on different days.

I’m going to need a bigger calendar.

There’s the blue box for bottles, tin cans, no plastics; the blue paper sack for squiff mags and the associated used tissues; a mini green box with lid for food wastes; a grey mini box with lid for, er, food wastes – ah I see, the green one is for leaving outside, the grey one inside. WTF? Sod that, I’ll keep the green one inside and throw away the grey. A clear sack for batteries and spectacles? Spectacles? A black sack for textiles (yeah, like I’ve got a living room full of illegal immigrants weaving away making carpets), a black box for plastics and a green bin and sack for garden waste.

Which begs the question: why don’t they just have two black bins collected once a week where everything goes to a big tanker headed off to China where it can be recycled en masse and cheaper?

Well, I’m just going to put the little refuse I have in the black bin and throw the other stuff away. I’m sick of this nonsense. I put a notice up outside my house last year to stop the free newpapers because I was tired of the piles of rotting newsprint stinking the place out. The small contents of my paper shredder make excellent fire starters from the addressed correspondence that I receive.

Also, another thing I hate about the blue box (tins, glass and aerosols, no plastic) is the delightful little early morning front shower it gives you when you lift it up. You see, in their collective wisdom, someone on the blue box designer team thought that if we put some small holes in the bottom of the blue box, then when it rains, the blue box won’t become full of rainwater and become too heavy to lift. Well, as I always say, that’s fine on paper but in practise? Nope, the blue box is lying on the concrete floor and the holes are flush with the ground and are sealed so the rain water does indeed accumulate in the blue box. Why aren’t the holes recessed? Ah, costs, of course...

So bleary eyed, tired and grumpy in the dark, wintery mornings when you pick the blue box up, the water pours out the holes onto your trousers like you’ve been carrying at arm’s length a quadruplet of incontinent, pissing babies. And heavens forbid if you’ve left the dregs of half a dozen bottles of Châteauneuf-du-Pape in there as the stench and colour of that vinegary wine is added to the foul mixture of the morning wakeup call.

Mind you, you get some sympathy at the workplace because everyone at work thinks you’ve got a severe case of kidney stones.

Labour: Education has improved over 13 years

I was brutally awoken this morning by the sudden, hard onset of a wall of high blood pressure when I heard Nick Ferrari on LBC pose this question to one of Labour's Shadow Education ministers, Kevin Brennan:

"So Mr Brennan, do you believe that education has improved over the last 13 years under Labour?"

Brennan replied:

"Yes, education has improved under Labour"

I started furiously reaching out for my mobile to ring in but fortunately other listeners had got there before me. The anger was palpable. Accusations live on air included “liar”, "they should hang their heads in shame", “there should be a law against MP’s lying like that”, “rubbish” and many more. Caller after caller.

I have never, ever heard any MP admit they were wrong. Ever. I suspect that it’s due to the media training that teaches them never admit liability for anything and never answer a direct question unless you can convey your latest policy line or spin.

Journalists should simply state to these “education deniers” that they are liars and unless they retract that statement, the interview is over. Plain and simple.

The last caller summed up the situation quite well. He was a teacher and had been teaching for the last 30 years and stated quite categorically that standards had dropped and compared an O-level maths paper with a GCSE and said a C in the O-level paper would be the equivalent of an A* nowadays.

There was also mention that modules were being removed from certain subjects because pupils found them too hard, especially maths and the sciences and some schools, in order to improve their league positions, encouraged the pupils take the easier subjects e.g. Travel and Tourism instead of Geography.

Glad to see Michael Gove at least attempting to tackle this one.

Guido's PMQs LiveChat: Bonus Banker Bashing Edition

Thanks to Guido for hosting today's LiveChat where the window lickers gather for Wednesday's PMQs.

Once again big thanks to Dick Scratcher for Pantone Watch - this time a Hain Pantone Reference : 813F (Jamie's Carrot Soup).  A nice topical cameo appearance from Calamity Clegg as well!

Some Dodgy Tie comments for Labour's Nick Dakin from John Ward:

Light pink tie on Nick Dakin...

Other contributors:

JULIAN BRAY DUCKHOUSE: Clegg last Tie standing pop rating -9999%

Tiewatcher: Nice tie from Gloucester

Some Vulcan Watch news as John Redwood was mentioned:

Beware of Geeks: Vulcan alert

Urban Tory: Star Trek jokes are not cool Ed

John Ward: Vulcan alert? "Fascinating!"

Far stronger personal attacks from both sides of the house which raised a few eyebrows but overall a little dull.

Here are the highlights:-

Urban Tory: I will pay cash money for anyone who harass Harry

Nick Cleggs Right Foot: ready to kick a child!!

Dick Scratcher: Why does Brillo pretend he likes cricket ?????

Urban Tory: Because Scots love hitting balls with bats

Dick Scratcher: Where is Old Holborn these days???

Guido Fawkes: He watched V for Vendetta one too many times and went insane

Calamity Clegg: We shall not kick the Bankers when we can kick small children.

Calamity Clegg: Tough on tots, tough on the causes of tots.

Dick Scratcher: Julia Gillard likes it damp

Beware of Geeks: UT - Nick looks like his puppy has died

Urban Tory: BoG - It looks like he did it too

Rog: Clegg looking glummer than Prescott at a health farm..

Tuscan Tony: Why is there a sack of potatoes in a burnt orange carpet placed behind Dave?

Calamity Clegg: I will kick any talk of a Euro referendum into touch.

Tuscan Tony: Gloucester=concrete dunghill

Secret Lemonade Drinker: Osbourne needs a holiday somewhere hot. He's very pasty. Maybe Thailand with a few ladyboys?

John Ward: EdM's tie was a small splash of colour in an otherwise grey landscape.

Tuscan Tony: Is Ed getting his hair cut in stages?

John Ward: Alan Johnson making the noises and gestures, but he still doesn't understand his portfolio...

Tuscan Tony: Does the Tory web site have a gunsight targetted on the bankers?

Calamity Clegg: My father was a Banker you know. He used to kick fiscal responibility into me.

JULIAN BRAY DUCKHOUSE: Milli will have to raise the game to a new level say 2 inches...

Urban Tory: what is Cwismas?

John Ward: UT: It comes after Thankthgiving...

Roger Thornhill: Has Johnson been at Hain's jar of plenty

JULIAN BRAY DUCKHOUSE: Hey Gordon brown is in the house! Oh no its a gargoyle on the end of the bench

Steve Miliband: Buzz lightweight

obangobang: If councils don't close the roads, the TUC will.

Dorian Smith: Muddered - is he from Taggart?

Tuscan Tony: Woyal Wedding

Dorian Smith: Bernard jenkins got his mum to fix his tie.

Secret Lemonade Drinker: ALAN: IT'S GRIM UP NORTH LONDON.

Alan: Kenneth Clarke looks ready for lunch at Simpsons on The Strand

Beware of Geeks: Dinenage

Dick Scratcher: HOW!

weybridgeman: Osbourne's drugs are wearing off - he's just staring into the abyss now.

weybridgeman: Nick de Bois MP for Epping Forest - CLASSIC!

Calamity Clegg: Why should it be true, Dave.. that I get a Kick out of you

Dick Scratcher: Mandy likes a big yellow chopper

Blogging Pit

Being a total uber-geek means that I already have a great excuse in buying outrageous pieces of computer kit!

At the business end of my "blogging pit" I have what is commonly referred to as the "tanning salon" - four 24" Dell monitors (one not shown) which means I can pretend I'm Tom Cruise in Minority Report and move windows around all four screens.

Most blogs displayed on the screen award?

Man Widdecombe, Dick Puddlecote, Anna Raccoon, Guido, LegIron and John Ward.

The power to the office is on a separate circuit from the rest of the house and is backed up by an APC UPS which gives enough power for 1 hours worth of World of Warcraft or 2 hours worth of development during a power cut.

There's an air-cooled cabinet containing 4 servers, a Draytek commercial duty firewall, CAT 6 cabling, various wireless peripherals, laser printer/scanner/fax, business ADSL and 10Tb worth of RAID storage - enough for the most depraved amateur porn aficionado.

Music to the office is streamed on the house network via the Popcorn Hour NMT.

I have no life... :)

Happy New Year to you all!

Terribly sorry...

...but work is commanding far more time than I can manage right now.

I missed Guido's PMQs and am unable to make time for the highlights.

Normal service will be resumed after Christmas.

Guido's PMQs Live - Football Edition

Thanks to Guido for hosting today's LiveChat where the window lickers gather for Wednesday's PMQs.


Once again big thanks to Dick Scratcher for Pantone Watch - this time a Hain Pantone Reference : 814D (Snowman’s Nose) !

Labour Parody of the Week goes to Kim Jong-Il with

Ed grows in stature with every PMQ's. He ran Cameron ragged today. Cameron looked rather amateur

Top line has to go to Cameron today with a much better performance than last time:

Rather be a child of Thatcher, than a son of Brown

Here are the highights:

Spank Sinatra: See Ed has still got bird sh** on his head

Tuscan Tony: Morning Chakrabati-lickers.

John Ward: "To infantility (i.e. New Labour) and beyond!"

StretchMarx: Harman wearing the remains of last nights Moules a la Mariniere round her neck

John Ward: Who's this lady "Rosie Scenario"?

Dick Scratcher: Harperson = where the postman likes to empty his sack

Dick Scratcher: People listening on Radio 5 have been phoning in, asking why the elephant man is asking questions.

Guido Fawkes: "Rather be a child of Thatcher, than a son of Brown" killer.

Dick Scratcher: Calm down! Calm down!

Spank Sinatra: Hub cap thief

Dick Scratcher: Yiddipudlian

Praguetory: Scouse comics are out of fashion aren't they?

Dick Scratcher: Mandy likes Olympic rings

Urban Tory: Is it me or has Hague got a bit of a Liberace tie on?

no longer anonymous: paisley is a time lord, he has re-generated

Sres: Son of Bwian!

Dorian Smith: Twitter twats are 5 mins behind FFS>>>>> some of the labour ones are still in the 70's

Spank Sinatra: Another bad advert for wigs

John Ward: "Reddish"? Ideal name for a Labour constituency ;-)

Beware of Geeks: Waking the Dead. One letter away from being the most controversial show on TV.

Tuscan Tony: Wan't thrombosis an early Pink Floyd album?

John Ward: I have safe sacks -- they never split whether for waste or recyclables.

Steve Miliband: Buzz Lightweight just turned into Buzz microlight

Guido's PMQs LiveChat: Miliback Edition

Thanks to Guido for hosting today's LiveChat where the window lickers gather for Wednesday's PMQs.

Apologies for the delay, fellow WindowLickers - unfortunately work commitments reared their ugly head again.

Once again big thanks to Dick Scratcher for Pantone Watch - this time a Hain Pantone Reference : 815A (Spaghettied Baby) !

John Ward wins the Best Line of the Day with:

"He's a real nowhere man, sitting in his Labour land, making all his no-good plans, for Socialists"...

Here are the highlights:

Dick Scratcher-Tebbitite: Houston…we have an arse hole

Billybob: Egg Milibund

Beware of Geeks: I've just made a 3D porn movie - that's one in the eye for the censors.

Dick Scratcher-Tebbitite: f*** off Vicks Sinex

Urban Tory: as if Ed is going on about sport, he was always picked last

Sarf of the River: Clegg affecting a rather smug bastard look

Dick Scratcher-Tebbitite: Red Ed = Adenoid android

Beware of Geeks: My ginger neighbour brought a hot bird home last night. Or Nando's as it's better known.

torybear: RT @joncraig: Theresa May has just poured the PM a glass of water. How loyal is that?Allo, allo! I will say zis only once!

John Ward: Blankety-blank page in Labour's policy eh? Wogan would be proud...

Billybob: Sweaty sock again !!

TimMontgomerie: Ken Clarke looking smug behind Cameron as the PM is asked by Bill Cash why govt hasn't repatriated powers from EU

John Ward: Yes, Ed's back - which is far less unattractive than Ed's front!

Sarf of the River: is my telly on the blink, it's gone all hithy

John Ward: The biggest bust? Is that the Maggie Thatcher one in CCHQ?

Rog: Is Ed actually transgendering as we watch? His voice is the giveaway.

John Ward: "He's a real nowhere man, sitting in his Labour land, making all his no-good plans, for Socialists"...

Dick Scratcher: LATEST: Al Megrahi’s penile warts have just died.

Dorian Smith: hattie's got a great moustache

Urban Tory: where does Vaz sit now?

Beware of Geeks: @Urban Tory - in a pot of Vaz-oline

Dick Scratcher: Berger - ding dong

Hugh Jardon: how much would you like to jizz all over her shakers??

Tuscan Tony: Bring Nigeria into the EU, send the British workshy there

Urban Tory: Liz Truss woof woof

Dick Scratcher: Liz Truss wants it this aft - on the desk

BBC In Need

I see from Grumpy Old Twat's stonking blog that the Beeb's hand-washingly cringing Children In Need is back and in an orgy of pandering to their sacred gods Politicus and Correcticus, they have spawned another obsequious looking idol for worship - a girl bear called Blush. And she's not yellow. No siree, she's a brown bear so we can all hold hands and celebrate our new found friend, in the name of allah diversity.

Well, to continue in that theme and to offer, royalty free, a further boost to their franchise, your humble Geeks presents the following to the BBC: Talibear!

Guido's PMQs LiveChat: Harman AGAIN Edition

Thanks to Guido for hosting today's LiveChat where the window lickers gather for Wednesday's PMQs. Another dull one again today with the Labour second-in-command, Harman sparring with Dave.  I say sparring, having been briefed by Ed Balls to use up all her questions on an attack over police cuts.

No Pantone reference today although Dick Scratcher, Tuscan Tony, John Ward and JULIAN BRAY ROYAL RANTZ noticed that Harman's Giraffe Skin Safari Suit is back.

Disco Biscuit and Guido spotted Gordon Henderson's bad choice of attire: a clashing yellow tie on a dark blue shirt while Urban Tory inquired whether Clegg's green tie was bought from the House of Commons shop?

Worst Pun of the Week award goes to John Ward with:

Is he offering a breath of fresh Ayr?

Here are the highlights:

Dick Scratcher: Is Red Ed a panda that CMD brought back from China?

Steve Miliband: You're so vain, you probably think this PMQ's is about you...

Beware of Geeks: Can I be the first to say: Kate Middleton, the first person to squeeze into Princess Diana's ring since Dodi Al Fayed.

Steve Miliband: Kate Middleclasston

Beware of Geeks: If I were Kate Middleton I'd take that bloody ring to Mount Doom.

Dick Scratcher: Alan Johnston doing Old Man Steptoe impression

Headsonpoles: Harperson starting to go up a few octaves - dolphins of the world beware

frig: "she sounds like a schoolmistress now" that makes me horny

Urban Tory: She is out of her depth, leave PMQs to the Men luv

Dick Scratcher: F*** off you frying pan faced hag

John Ward: Alan Johnson: from postman to Home Sec to Shadow Chancellor...

Tom FD: maybe there should be a Brillo-in-PMQs drinking game

torybear: Notice Dave has started taking notes to PMQs. Didn't used to

Dick Scratcher: Mandy likes night sticks

the last quango in paris: a lot of grey hair on the labour front bench

Sarf of the River: is the beast of bolsover letting one out silently?

Having a Giraffe Harman: Put a load of IT Geeks in Riot Gear and give them Tazers. Brill !!

Mitch and Murray: I want YAB to commit adultery in front of an Iranian crowd

Llew: Wind your neck back in Harpie, just because you look like one....

Dick Scratcher: New police commisioners: "Squeal like a pig fat boy"

Rats arse: Look at the Labour front bench - faces like smacked arses

Secret Lemonade Drinker: Bercow, shut up, you jumped up little dwarf.

guidofawkes: Chamber just went "whoooooo" taking the mick out of Squeaker slapping down next questioner. Did Bercow get out of the bed on the wrong side?

Headsonpoles: Which dwarf is Bercow playing in pantomime this year?

Dick Scratcher: Short money = Bercow's salary

Disco Biscuit: Who is the little midget who keeps standing up and shouting at people?

Emily Maitlis: I'm now so old my pussy is haunted.

Tuscan Tony: Priti good.

John Ward: Is he offering a breath of fresh Ayr?

Sarf of the River: Coulson should tell Dave he needs some botox

Beware of Geeks: Apparently its not the weather thats caused the flooding in Cornwall. Big Kat Slater's waters have broken, thats all.

John Ward: I suspect Sally Bercow has been working on the Speaker this morning, or perhaps yesterday evening.

Dick the Prick: Stretchy midwives?

Dick Scratcher: That's not all thats stretched to breaking point...

Dick Scratcher: LATEST: Al Megrahi’s knob cheese has just died.

Dick Scratcher: Jordan = new silicon valley

the last quango in paris: bloody hell is there not a mobile hairdresser who can go around labour hq?

Dick Scratcher: Ken Clarke "Mmmm soldiers...with a bit of pepper"

Dick the Prick: Which bogs does Angela Eagle use?

Tuscan Tony: DtP: Angela uses a bush.

John Ward: Tony Lloyd's hair shows he's been playing with a Van der Graaf generator...

TheAngloSaxon: "CARRY ON BERCOW"

Tuscan Tony: Wasn't Tony Lloyd married to Chris Evert a while back?

John Ward: Prescott-land is Hull on earth!

Guido's PMQs LiveChat: Harman Again Edition

Thanks to Guido for hosting today's LiveChat where the window lickers gather for Wednesday's PMQs. Another dull one again today with the second-in-commands, Harman getting the advantage with the reneging on the tutition deal by the LibDems but Cleggy found his voice and fought back towards the end.  A total of 12 questions were directed by Labour MPs to Clegg about the tuition fees - initially an effective attack but by the end it was as stale as one of MacMental's deliveries.

No Pantone reference today although Dorian Smith and who you gonna call? PORKB both noticed that Bercow's tie was "a disgrace" and "a tie from hell".  ChristianJMay maintained the tie theme and rebuked the antagonistic Bercow by saying "I'll tell you what the public disapprove of, Bercow, THAT tie".

Best Line of the Week goes to newcomer ChristianJMay with a comment on the unusual "danglers" (as John Ward said) surrounding Harman's neck:

What's that thing round Harman's neck? Looks like she fell into a box of Xmas decorations

An additional mention and a proposed new category: Worst Pun of the Week goes to John Ward for:

John Ward: Gavin isn't one of the "movers and Shukers", clearly!

 
Here are the highlights:
 
Guido Fawkes: Morning Windowlickers

Hugh Jardon: I prefer tuppence licking..

Spank Sinatra: Tongues out & bottoms up etc

Beware of Geeks: Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick.... mmmmm this Windows 7 is tasty

Spank Sinatra: Morning Geeky - you've found my hard disk?

Beware of Geeks: I've just formatted it with my tongue - should be better now

Dick Scratcher: Harman in Wonderbra again

John Ward: I still miss the giraffe outfit...

Spank Sinatra: Not more anal beads ffs!

Billy Blofeld: Will Dromey be waving his order papers at her every utterance?

Beware of Geeks: Lot's of clicking on the iPlayer - anyone else getting that, or is it simply Harman's lizard tail striking the benches?

ChristianJMay: What's that thing round Harman's neck? Looks like she fell into a box of Xmas decorations

Dick Scratcher: Shut up you moon faced cow - just cos you dropped your knickers for Dromey

C4politics: Harman joke - we all know that in Freshers Week you meet a dodgy bloke and you do things you regret - comparing the coalition

Dick Scratcher: Ken Clarke has eaten Eric Pickles

William Hague: I'm wearing the yellow silk tie that Chris gave me

Sres: Don't make Clegg angry, you won't like him when he's angry

Beware of Geeks: I'd like to see Harman in a bikini to be honest - does that make me a possible recipient for medical care in the community?

Dick the Prick: @BoG - yes, ofcourse

John Ward: I am still trying to work out what those danglers are around Harman's neck. Even in close-up I can't see what they are, except weird!

John Ward: Perhaps next time, perhaps in early December, Harman's Xmas decorations necklace with include flashing mutli-coloured lights...

Dick Scratcher: Jack Dromey likes a sausage sandwich...don't blame him really looking at those

Dick Scratcher: Mmmm...dumping on students...mmmmm.

Dick Scratcher: Hammond doing his Rolf Harris sketch

Gordon Brown: Buy my book Beyond the Crash at all good book stores for Xmas. Read it and weep. It's the right thing to do.

Yardarm: Hague not in China because Cameron worried about sharing a hotel room with him.

Hugh Jardon: um bongo anyone?

Dick the Prick: @HJ - hee hee

Dick Scratcher: G Young has just finished painting the Cistine Chapel

Beware of Geeks: What is it with the mention of Sheffield Forgemasters all the time?

jack: "What is it with the mention of Sheffield Forgemasters all the time? " She loves a good hammering.

Spank Sinatra: Oooh - a mullet

Beware of Geeks: I won't take advice from a mullet

Billy Blofeld: Ha! Ha! @Beware of Geeks

Dick Scratcher: Shat it you slag! Is your dog as fit as a Butcher's Dog?

John Ward: Gavin isn't one of the "movers and Shukers", clearly!

Urban Tory: John, i would say you're better than that but i think i know better

John Ward: Ollie Ensure?

Dazza: Ollie Unsure?

Spank Sinatra: She practiced that with her knees behind her ears last night

Gordon Brown: Buy my book Beyond the Crash at all good bookstores.

Dick Scratcher: Farron's suit too big - mummy bought one he can grow in to

Dick Scratcher: Ephalump AGAIN

Spank Sinatra: She needs a barn

Hugh Jardon: it's a big 'un

John Ward: Has my TV switched aspect ratio?

Dick the Prick: Could camp out in her beef handbags

Billy Bowden: How many obese MPS are there ?????

John Ward: "Blenkinsop"? Good name for a Geordie - not!

Spank Sinatra: Nasty piece of work

genghiz the kahn: Prime minister's question time was brought to you by NUS monkeys.

Sres: That's one flat face

John Ward: Reminds me of the CGI Incredible Hulk's head, apart from not being green-coloured!

If only Dragon's Den was really like this!

Guido's PMQs LiveChat: Entente Cordiale Edition

Thanks to Guido for hosting today's LiveChat where the window lickers gather for Wednesday's PMQs. Another dull one today with Dave getting a bit of a kicking from Red Ed with his private photographer gaff, which as Guido correctly tweeted, should have come out of CCHQ's budget.

Still, Red Ed was adenoidally challenged again, hee-hawing like a mule and Dave fought back a bit.

No Labour Parody Of The Week, Dick Scratcher gave Hain Pantone Reference of 817C (Syphiloid Bronze), Tiewatcher showed Peter Aldous leading on the ties so far but not much competition and Harmann was sporting a Ribena look today.

Bride of Chucky Doll Of The Week was the disgraced houseflipper Hazel Blears and according to Ollie Cromwell "Harriet's Ginger Rodent jibe at Danny Alexander must have hit Hazel hard" because she seemed to have adopted that dark crimson, tight curled Labour feminist look again.

The Best Line Of The Week goes to JULIAN BRAY GERCHA! with a topical:

Why is Mr Orange wearing a poppy? Wasn't he one of the Boers?

Guido signed off with a rather cryptic "In case I don't see you, good afternoon, good evening and goodnight". Let's hope it's another Wednesday drinkathon and not a Dr Kelly moment.

Here are the highlights - enjoy:


Daisy May: Is Harriet's Poppy big enough?

Dick Scratcher: Who's Nailin Pailin?

Alex in SW6: one lump or two out of Obama?

Billy Blofeld: Hain's orangeness makes his poppy look pale

John Ward: Updated name for Yemen: "Yo Man!"

Dick the Prick: Kids should just claim bankruptcy after college

gengiz the kahn: westoring twust in hith government.

gengiz the kahn: theffield, eathleigh

Dorian Smith: Does Ed have a cupboard full of purple ties, other colours are available you know

Secret Lemonade Drinker: What's Dave using, these days, to slicken his coiffure?

Beware of Geeks: Miliband-wagon - hehe

JULIAN BRAY GERCHA!: Why is Mr orange wearing a poppy? wasn't he one of the boars?

John Ward: Wee Dougie doesn't look very happy...

Dick the Prick: @JW - he's seen his sister

JULIAN BRAY GERCHA!: oooooh hand millibags....

gengiz the kahn: wealease wouldoff the wed nosed weigndeer.

JULIAN BRAY GERCHA!: cheese eating surrender monkey special

Rog: Dougie looks like a big pixie stole his fishing rod.

torybear: And a classic back from DC "spending less on replacing mobile phones at No10" Great cracks today from both sides

Old Holborn: If any more Bengali students feel the need to "get stabby" may I recommend Hazel Blears first?

Ghost of Greg Stone: Thought he preferred a wriggling boys club

Jolly Roger: Bring back Gordon. PMQs is no longer fun. Just plain boring.

gengiz the kahn: ginger rodent - salford sub species

Beware of Geeks: Christ on a ginger bike! Why has she reverted to early 90's ginger hairstyle!?!?!?!?!?

Old Holborn: she borrowed Charlie Chaplins hair

Ollie Cromwell: Harriets Ginger Rodent jibe at Danny Alexander must have hit Hazel hard

Old Holborn: Ikea want those curtains back

concrete pump: Blears is worried her hair doesn't match her minge anymore...

Secret Lemonade Drinker: Excellent. An immigration question.

Albania: **** off, we are here now

no longer anonymous: albania - can you wash my car for me?

Precious Umbongo: I am staying bwana

Bengali Student: I KIIIILLLLLL YOU!!!

Beware of Geeks: My ex has let herself go

Dick the Prick: @BoG - beggars can't be choosers

elsie tanner: In a prism, you can see all the colours of the rectum.

Dick Scratcher: Is it because I is back (bencher)

Dick Scratcher: He needs a good meal - battered Mars bar anyone?

Tom FD: deficit deniers, responsibility deniers

JULIAN BRAY GERCHA!: went to bbc studio to talk on security - driver was from Kashmir...

gengiz the kahn: red emma mP for bejing central.

Spank Sinatra: God - it's milly molly mandy again

Billy Blofeld: Andy Pandy with a minge more like..........

Dick Scratcher: Is Bagpuss dead?

no longer anonymous: bagpuss will never die

13eastie: CHippy geordie. Kev Maguire's dad?

torybear: Finally someone raises the disgusting rights to votes for prisoners. DC: "it makes me physically ill"

John Ward: I also agree! We need to stand up to the EU, and if necessary withdraw altogether.

Billy Blofeld: Buggering Schools For the Future.. it sounded like he said that anyway...

Beware of Geeks: Bercow: "I have a short statement to make" - I should say so

Jolly Roger: this mess left by Labour, is this why Sam cam had to makeover number 10 before she would move in?

Total Nutter Sparky

My favourite parrot!

Guido's PMQs LiveChat: Growth Week Edition

Thanks to Guido for hosting today's LiveChat where the window lickers gather for Wednesday's PMQs.  Bit of a dull one today with a few of the familiar plants coming from the Conservatives in much the same way as they did with Labour.

A brief Labour Parody of the Week from MARTIN DAY with: "SOMEONE PUT DAVID CAMERON OUT OF MISERY" which was a grammatically challenged putdown, as to be expected with Labour "prizes and consequently ignorance for all" education over the last 13 years or so.

The best line of the week returns to John Ward with a topical mention of an observation of the delectable Ms Berger:

"Lucy Arner is obvious the exception that proves the rule about Labour females being ugly."

Here are the highlights:-

Beware of Geeks: Morning Guido, morning fellow window lickers! Another PMQs, another set of Labour denials

Beware of Geeks: I can say with some sense of certainty that drinking homemade cherry brandy until 02:00am gives you a cracking hangover that only a midday vodka and tonic can cure!

Guido Fawkes: as does going out for lunch yesterday drinking through till four am

Labour bankrupted the UK: My tax bill is experiencing growth thanks to Labour.

Hugh Jardon: mr speaker..can I start by blowing my bloody nose. FFS!!

Beware of Geeks: Set nostrils to bunged Mr Sulu

Unemployed Tory: Ed Miliband needs Just For Men, it looks like he has a bird shit in his head

Dorian Smith: This week's Labour Trolls sponsored by RMT

Tuscan Tony: IS Ed wearing Sir Les Patterson'as teeth?

Dick the Prick: Get a f**king job?

Billy Bowden: Get a f**king job !!!!!!!

Billy Bowden: Snap Dick lol

Dick the Prick: Great minds Billy

Billy Bowden: Wouldnt go that far Dick lol

Urban Tory: Ed is poo

Tuscan Tony: Urban, is he a friend of Mark Oaten's?

Praguetory: Clegg's a 30 woman man.

ali: being questioned by Ed must be like being savaged by a sheep: unexpected and ultimately hilarious

John Ward: Munt is four-fifths of a Mount...

Tuscan Tony: Tessa and the Munters.

Spank Sinatra: Pickles set to explode

Beware of Geeks: Has Pickles got his own gravity field?

Tuscan Tony: Kate looks increasingly like Kevin Keegan

John Ward: Typical SNP SNIPing...

Dazza: I'm in Wales this week... should I worry?

Dr Bombastic: i'm in hospital this week - should I worry?????

Beware of Geeks: I'd like to see Luciana's burger

Tuscan Tony: Cheese or bacon BoG?

Dick the Prick: @BoG - Nicely roasted

Beware of Geeks: How can someone that beautiful (after a large vodka) be a Labour bod? Nature has some explaining

John Ward: Lucy Arner is obvious the exception that proves the rule about Labour females being ugly.

Praguetory: Luciana will have to provide relief for geeks herself

Nick2: Modest Nestegg? Liver damage on their 18th birthday, more like.

Tuscan Tony: What's she smuggling in that skirt?

John Ward: None eaten? I've eaten, just before PMQs!

Urban Tory: not everyone is as well preped as you John

Dick the Prick: @JW - yellow card

Spank Sinatra: She's just been shagged in the toilets [Emma Reynolds]

Brown got us Here!: Flelloatio!!

Tuscan Tony: Is Flellow his real name?

BillyBob.: she has eaten all the pies in Gateshead !!

John Ward: That jacket reminds me of some front garden paths...

Praguetory: What's she wearing - a harpoon

Dick the Prick: Whoa - step away from the pie

BillyBob.: she is using her full meal allowance methinks

Beware of Geeks: @BillyBob, and probably some of Prescott's emergency funds

Beware of Geeks: Bercow: "I have a short statement to make: my wife's a goer

Tuscan Tony: Hardly news Bog.

Guido's PMQs LiveChat: Axe Wednesday Edition

Thanks to Guido for hosting today's LiveChat where the window lickers gather for Wednesday's PMQs.  Red Ed starts to fluster in a remarkably similar way to MacMental: lots of "m-m-m-m-m-mr speaker" stuff and that dreadful nasal whining is starting to grate.  Dave was on good form, better than the other week but still lacks the "car crash PMQs" we've missed with the stammering, brooding MacMental.

Carlos is still MIA, Harman wasn't wearing her Giraffe Suit again and Dick Scratcher gave the very important Hain Pantone Reference: 819E (Tango Ember).

Looks like Red Ed was the winner in the Dodgy Tie of the Week.  Billy Blofeld said: "Tie error by Miliband. Gone for violet rather than regal purple".

Our Labour Parody of the Week was newbie Jimmy Jobby who said: "THE PUBLIC SECTOR IS THE ENGINE OF THE RECOVERY, OSBORNE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND THIS".  Well Jimmy, us business owners can assure you with that attitude the UK economy and any potential employees are completely safe as you have absolutely no idea how wealth creation works and would be incapable of running a business.

Best Line of the Week goes to Sarf of the River with a topical comment on an MP who looked remarkably like Mama Cass: 

She could do with a massive cut to her diet

Here's the rest of the highlights- enjoy!



Mitch: Looking forward to advice on tightening our belts from the millionaire chancellor


Trinny: BBC has a helicopter up to cover cuts. No concept of the word irony

Sarf of the River: I'm wetting my underwear here. I can't contain my excitement for much longer.

Dick Scratcher: I’d like to fill Laura K’s chamber.

John Ward: BBC camera direction "cut to the Bone!"

Billy Blofeld: Mithter, mithter speaker.....

Dick Scratcher: Birds**t Milliband Sponsored by Vicks Sinex Nasal Spray.

Roger Thornhill: "The Miliband Streak"

ChristianJMay: Oh dear, Ed Miliband is really struggling here. Plus he has Tip-Ex in his hair...

guidofawkes: Did Cast Iron Dave just say he'd freeze payments to the EU for 7 years?

Sarf of the River: The case about EU funding doesn't have to be made across Europe, it can be made in 5 minutes from Westminster. WTF are you on Dave?

Beware of Geeks: Red Ed does need to get that beak sorted

Billy Blofeld: Hush Puppy - crap joke. Miliband is losing it.....

torybear: Is he.. is he.. is he saying.. is he.. is he.. is he..

John Ward: Izzy? Izzy?

Steve Miliband: Bird s**ts on Shadow PM's hairs shock

joncraig: Great gag from Ed Miliband on Clarke part of "squeezed middle". Good gag from Cameron too about Ken having "bottom". Lively start!

Dick Scratcher: Pickles eating cow pie again.

Dorian Smith: Ed Milliband the master of student politics

Dick Scratcher: Ozzy learning his lines - all white & powdery

Roger Thornhill: Reminds me of Pit the Younger from Bladder II - Dish and Dishonesty

Urban Tory: Is it wrong that I am enjoying watching Ed die live on TV?

Dick Scratcher: Alan Johnson - fried egg eyes

Labour bankrupted the UK: Has Ed been taking lessons from Gordon for PMQs?

Dorian Smith: Today's Labour trolls are sponsored by Unite and The Union Modernisation Fund

John Ward: Yes, Dorian: the pink dinosaurs in the Unions :-)

politicshomeuk: Cameron: "I know it is a novel concept... but in this government the prime minister and the chancellor speak to each other"

Sofamonkey: Ed's ineptitude is difficult to watch, proper car crash TV

JULIAN BRAY sale edition: Can't wait Harrier Pilots being signed up by Ryanair... last question ...wasted so far

Unemployed Tory: PMQ's is sponsored by Top Gun today

Dick the Prick: UT - Iceman!

Unemployed Tory: I weeeeent tooooooo the Daaaaanger Zone

Public School Whipping: Enjoy the 15 years of opposition guys. You picked a real winner. For the Tories!!

Down with Brown!: Milliband couldn't have been much worse if he set himself on fire.

iaindale: So go on, my lefty friends, tell me now that Ed Miliband came out on top this week. Don't make me laugh

Dick Scratcher: FYI Rosie Winterton will be shagging Two Jags this aft in car park.

Dick Scratcher: Niallpaterson reminds me of that Gestapo officer in Where Eagles Dare.

Rats arse: Why are all Labour women so ugly?

Down with Brown!: Ed Milliband = Ed Moribund.

Sarf of the River: She could do with a massive cut to her diet

Beware of Geeks: I see the Mamas and Papas are still going

JULIAN BRAY sale edition: chilean mine shaft opening under ed miliband after todays performance....

Beware of Geeks: Tom Watson - who gorged all the pies?

Urban Tory: its two seats watson

Praguetory: Should Tom Watson employ his family?

Beware of Geeks: Should Tom Watson's family be protected from being gorged by the pie monster himself?

Roger Thornhill: Render TomW to lard and power a small town in Lincolnshire

John Ward: Tom Watson second only to Pickles in the girth measurement dept.

Billy Blofeld: Unemployment of Diversity Officers is a price worth paying

Beware of Geeks: You cannot attack a plan if you don't have a plan - quite right - liebour are an irrelevence

Dick Scratcher: Twigg seems like a nice boy

Praguetory: Twigg looks a bit like our generous host.

Urban Tory: I've never seen Guido and Twigg in the same room, hmmm

Brown got us Here!: Twigg lives at Albert Cock

JULIAN BRAY sale edition: Send in the Hoons.......

Dick the Prick: Faabricant looking bouffant

Hugh Jazz: the bbc have the knives out today- its like they're watching a different pmqs!

Beware of Geeks: I'm jealous of Selous's good looks

Billy Blofeld: Paul Whicker the Tall Vicar - an old Viz character - seems to be an MP now

Dick Scratcher: Glenoglaza = Italian window shine

More BBC bias

From the Spectator's Coffeehouse:

The MSM reporting of the cuts has been near-hysterical at times, and woefully lacking in any sense of balance. The BBC, in particular, has no excuse: it has an economics team and a mandate to be a public service broadcaster. Why did it make no mention of the other side of this coin? Is there a D-Notice on good economic news that we haven’t been told about?

Fraser Nelson