Post of the Day

From contributor Ed the Axeman on Guido's Caption Competition today:

I live in a mainly Muslim community and I’m really fed up with the politically correct bollocks around here.

My local pub had to change its name from The Flying Pig, nobody speaks English in any shop you go in and you can barely cook a bacon sarnie without upsetting some Pakistani or another!

So I was so happy to see my local swimming pool fighting back, and ruining their fun for a change. It had big sign on the wall stating:

STRICTLY NO BOMBING

Here's to Freedom, and the Few that are fighting for it

Sometimes in all the noise and haste of global political upheavals, we forget there is one man fighting for our liberty, who is no stranger when publically expressing what we collectively feel deep within ourselves.

And there is another:

Help! The aliens have landed!

I like Fraser Nelson. I really do. He's articulate, well-educated, had the courage to challenge the pathological buffoon, who ironically had written a book about the very thing that he was totally devoid of, and whose raison d'être is generally far removed from the banality and predictability of the MSM lobby copy drones out there.

Imagine my horror when he writes an article like this.

One can only assume that some alien life force has swapped his brain for a sub-standard, pre-programed one, perhaps from a lesser spotted Liebour MP, for instance.

Fraser, we need to cauterize that alien presence from your brain – now!

BBC: Metropolitan Multiculti Middleclass Left Wing Prickocracy Whose Days Are Numbered

Pat Condell at his best:

Cold Fusion?

Interesting link, assuming it's not a hoax, will it finally put all those windmill monstrosities to bed once and for all?

Eng. Andrea A. Rossi and Professor Sergio Focardi of the University of Bologna (one of the oldest universities in the world [1]), have announced to the world that they have a cold fusion device capable of producing more than 10 kilowatts of heat power, while only consuming a fraction of that. On January 14, 2011, they gave the Worlds' first public demonstration of a nickel-hydrogen fusion reactor capable of producing a few kilowatts of thermal energy. At its peak, it is capable of generating 15,000 watts with just 400 watts input required. In a following test the same output was achieved but with only 80 watts of continual input.

I'll wait for the first reactor being built before getting excited.

Slapping the Righteous with an e-smoked haddock

As a non-smoker, I'm enjoying the fun I'm having with my e-cig thanks to LegIron's recommendations: I've even persuaded 2 smokers to have a go and they’ve bought some as both want to stop smoking cigs!

But I expect to see official "independent" studies to be coming out shortly pointing to trace carcinogens in the unregulated Chinese cartridges which will kill all “vapers” and those unfortunate enough to inhale the second hand, odourless, food grade, atomised propylene glycol.

You know it's coming don't you? Can you honestly imagine all these people paid for by our taxes to spend their days and our cash on sending their brood to private schools while sanctimoniously judging how we should lead our lives, seeing their golden goose’s neck snapped thanks to the wonders of modern technology, an entrepreneurial spirit and an eye for creating a low cost of entry product in a billion dollar market for a cheaper, alternative, cleaner and safer solution?

I know because of the fact that whenever I use my e-cig in front of the miserable, the bitter, the indoctrinated, the non-thinking, the spineless and the pious, their faces slowly morph in that characteristic, resentful, twisted evil way as they see someone not playing by their rules. That’s because they tried to be clever. Clever and nasty and spiteful. And someone of independent thought had an idea and went about creating an alternative to a cigarette, and returned the pleasure and those bitter Righteous, they f***king hate it.

Good.

I think in the game L4D2, instead of whacking zombies with guitars, katanas and frying pans, we should have models of The Righteous instead.

Pretty anatomically similar and definitely share the same behavioural aspects as Pavlov's salivating dogs.

And more dangerous and scary in large numbers.

Guido's PMQs Live Highlights: “Classic Rape” Edition

Thanks to Guido once again for hosting today's LiveChat where the windowlickers gather for Wednesday's PMQs.

Slight improvement this time with RedEd taking advantage of Clarke's rape gaffe earlier and a rare appearance by the Beast of Bolsover.


#safariwatch

obangobang: Is that a giraffe next to Milibad?

Steve Miliband: Is that a Giraffe or Harman

13eastie: Nice to see Harman's giraffe outfit has been retained.

Dick Scratcher: Can we burn that frigging giraffe suit on 5th November?


#hainpantone

Dick Scratcher: Hain Pantone Reference : 810F (Satsuma Ego)


#tiewatch

Billy Blofeld: Dave and George have decided to be Tories today........ hence the blue ties.....


#labourparody

THE PARTY OPPOSITE: DENNIS SKINNER IS MY MAN


#tuscantonyslingualschool

Dorian Smith: Tráthnóna maith, iad siúd a lick na fuinneoga


#latest

Dick Scratcher: LATEST: Al Megrahi’s Prius has just died.


#bestpun

genghiz the khan: tyrie and unemotional


#bestline

Duckhouse Rools - Julian: Good morning Guido good about the english speaking requirement - cast of eastenders to be deported then


#highlights

Dick the Prick: Afternoon sex pests

genghiz the khan: wape, pillage, dwink,

Beware of Geeks: "Welease Woderwick! He's a wapist!"

Moniker: Balls and rape - interesting combo


will: god the labour front bench look like they have been sucking lemons

Tuscan Tony: Slightly unhappy use of the words "bonkers" by Ed when talking about rape.

Julian Duckhouse Rools - Julian: From Red to dead....in 30 mins....

Billy Blofeld: I'd like to see their balls smashed between bricks........ go on Dave you know you want to say that....

Tuscan Tony: Gotta watch your fingers if you do that Billy

Dick Scratcher: Hyman = bit of a c***

Dick Scratcher: Laws going down....every night

Spank Sinatra: Shares for chavs - wonderful

Tuscan Tony: Rachel reeves: today's overmotivated loon.

Tuscan Tony: Is Ken Clarke taking some points for Huhne?

MrHarryCole: RT @Lefty_Lisa: Ken Clarke will be on the Vanessa show later. Its where Tories go to fire the final bullet into their careers.

Spank Sinatra: Big breaths and she's only thixteen

M. Crescent: Caroline Norks looking luscious today

Tuscan Tony: Caroline N looks like she's been at the wallpaper bucket again this morning.

Tuscan Tony: John Robertson: a tethered weather balloon of an MP

Beware of Geeks: The reason the torch is not stopping in Sunderland is 'cos it will be knicked

"Since you asked Invisible Woman, I think about a 36 DD"

Guido's PMQs Live Highlights: To AV or Not AV Edition

Thanks to Guido once again for hosting today's LiveChat where the windowlickers gather for Wednesday's PMQs.

Quite a boring one today, Cam on good form, RedEd useless and whining and surrounded by the new cast for Lord of the Rings.

#tuscantonyslingualschool

Dorian Smith: bon après-midi, lèche des fenêtres


#tiewatch

Tuscan Tony: Cleggy's tie's a little nasty.,

stormforce999: that is a hideous tie mr straw


#celebwatch

Billy Bowden: Celeb watch : Bin Laden not in chamber.

Billy Bowden: Celeb watch: Barry obama not in the chamber

Billy Bowden: Celeb watch : Peppa the pig is not in the chamber

Dick Scratcher: CELEB WATCH: Geraint Jones (former sports presenter on Harlech TV in gallery)


#latest

Dick Scratcher: LATEST: Al Megrahi’s iPad 2 has just died.


#bestpun

John M Ward: "Mike Gapes" Does he, indeed!


#bestline

Tuscan Tony: Stencil research? No harm in that I'd have thought.


#highlights

Dorian Smith: "Billy Bowden: No cleavage behind red ed" - always a few tits around him though

Charlie: Who is the Hobbit to the left of Ed?

Beware of Geeks: the one on the left should reside under a bridge

Tuscan Tony: To the left of Ed looks like a refugee from a Tim Burton film.

Spank Sinatra: She's on day release from Rampton

Dorian Smith: Labour Front bench looks like the cast of the new Hobbit film

John M Ward: Who's the female to Ed's left (our right)?

Beware of Geeks: @JW Gimli?

John M Ward: Yvette "Gimli" Cooper. Yes, that works :-)

Tuscan Tony: Not Yvette, surely? Has she been at the cupcakes?

Dick Scratcher: # Elves to the left of me, Leprechauns to the right, stuck in the middle...#

GuidoFawkes: @ns_mehdihasan you are making yourself look more foolish than usual. Almost Gordon Brown like inability to admit you got it wrong.

Beware of Geeks: Where's Gordon? Has he retired to Abbottobad?

Tuscan Tony: Stencil research? No harm in that I'd have thought.

Should Be Working: Ainsworth, how have you got the nerve to show your fungus face?

Beware of Geeks: That's like Gordon asking a question about the country's deficit

Bled White Taxpayer: Ainsworth has no right whatsoever to pretend to be the Forces' friend. Dreadful Min Defence in his time.

Beware of Geeks: Spellman working on a building site today?

Tuscan Tony: Why is she an MP?

John M Ward: TT: probably because they couldn't find a donkey to whom to pin the red rosette last May...

Tuscan Tony: Quite so, John,though the donkey would probably have been more articulate.

Should Be Working: Jack Dromey - get back in the kitchen and make Harriet her tea!

Tuscan Tony: Dromey: The All Woman MP

Dick Scratcher: Mandy likes Fairy Dairyland

Dick Scratcher: Salou has stretching targets

Beware of Geeks: Port Salut!

Tuscan Tony: Saloo, sailors!

John M Ward: Ooh, I like Port Salut! Good point: added to shopping list...

will: Kerry mccarthy got what a rough labour arse

stormforce999: she's a great argument for the burka

I hate Labour: Kerry Macarthy gets more ugly every week.

MrHarryCole: RT @iainmartin1: Don't want to be ungallant, but let's take a moment to consider Caroline Spelman's jacket. It's Guantanamo jumpsuit orange

Beware of Geeks: Mike Gapes: Son of Pickles

Tuscan Tony: MIke Gapes; Goatse man.

Dorian Smith: Gapes seems a stranger to "healthy British food", more KFC

Tuscan Tony: Mike Gapes: the root vegetable des nos jours.

Beware of Geeks: Even Prescotts pies aren't large enough to top the £500 expensive limits

paulwaugh: This is not so much #PMQs as TownhallQs. Shdnt be surprised I guess but make for dreary viewing..

Dorian Smith: Labour councils don't do allotments, they plant money trees

Weybridgeman: I thought old Mikey died years ago - he certainly did politically

Beware of Geeks: Therese Coffee? Black please love

Billy Bowden: Racist geeks!!! :-)

Beware of Geeks: sorry Billy - "I'll have a coffee without milk"

Crying into my milk: scoffey

Tuscan Tony: You need to restrict your lower intestine, love.

It's a mad world and I want to get off

It's April Fool’s day today where it's traditional for the Mainstream Media to throw in a fake story or two for hearty chuckles and to hide the decline, to borrow an oft used expression from those that dance around the taxpayer gorging Global Warming parasites, of their plummeting sales volumes.

However, a cursory glance at even the most highbrowed of organs have left me perplexed as I ponder whether most of these journalistic pieces of piddle are real or Memorex.

I no longer pay the telly tax as I no longer watch live broadcasts although if I’m fair, the real reason behind this is that I resent funding a nest of progressive liberals pretending they are an impartial state broadcaster, but once again peering at the propaganda I perceive no facts but pretence and paradox.

I see a plastic Kim Kardashian has once again popped out her silicon puppies for the paparazzi for another piece of poptastic banality for the Daily Mail's salacious readership.

The Biased Broadcasting Corporation have given an uninterrupted 5 minutes of propaganda to Sadie "Zadie is cooler" Smith who seems to have confused Labour's criminal recidivistic profligacy with a council’s decision to open or close a library and not the incumbent’s decision. Oh, and it’s apparently socially acceptable to steal library books.

The Telegraph are showing some bonkers Tory Baroness Do-As-I-Say-Not-As-I-Do MP saying that Muslims must be persuaded to integrate, as though she was showcasing in some kind of looming "Ihre Papieren bitte!" Teutonic authoritarian socialist parody.

The ironically named Independent has been writing vast wiff-wafflery about some communist called Miliband who has trouble coming to terms with the paradox of anarchists rioting and vandalising in the streets for a bigger state.

The Grauniad’s sourpuss hack of hypocrisy herself, her highness and humanist Mary Louisa Toynbee writes equivocally about the plight of the poor, under trodden proletariat while quickly washing her hands and insincerity of the hideousness of it all and quietly retreats to the barricade of her Tuscany property portfolio where she can bathe unhindered in her self-imposed misery.

“Whom the gods wish to destroy, they first make mad” – Euripides

Never a truer word spoken.

Pat Condell says "The Great Jesus Swindle"

Guido's PMQs Live Highlights: Wed Ed Edition

Thanks to Guido once again for hosting today's LiveChat where the windowlickers gather for Wednesday's PMQs.

Quite a good lively one today with "The Most Annoying Man In Modern Politics" (MAMIMP) getting his Ball's felt by Cameron, who was, as Beeboid progressive liberal and Tory Bear stalking victim, Laura Kuenssberg noted "...on rude form".

#tuscantonyslingualschool

Tuscan Tony: Msht Shpkr


#tiewatch

Dorian Smith: Hague's tie is like a Jimmy Saville gold lame jumpsuit

Crying into my milk: is it bloody awful tie day


#hainpantone

Dick Scratcher: Hain Pantone reference: 811G (Flat Tango)


#latest

Dick Scratcher: LATEST: Al Megrahi's remote control has just died


#Labour parody of the Week

BBC drone: Livingstone for Mayor!!!! Ed won BIG today at PMQ's viewers/listeners


#bestpun

John M Ward: All of Kerry's speeches are Labour-ious...


#bestline

Steve Miliband: As BA said, sorry Mr Brown there's no economy left


#highlights

Dorian Smith: I see love beads are trending, Teresa May's taken to them too

Beware of Geeks: ta! Andrew Pierce has borrowed my liver. But he's given it back to me and he's broken it

Dick Scratcher: BOG - Andrew Pierce uses it like a melon in a prison

Dorian Smith: UKUncat are more than handy with a Dundee cake from Fortnums, they don't need arms

Tuscan Tony: A well stocked Spad - just what Hague needs

Steve Miliband: Will Hello buy the rights to the wedding of the year

Dick Scratcher: Did Hague take her up the aisle?

Tuscan Tony: CHew-isshan

Dick Scratcher: Yvette needs a Wonderbra

joolzg: yvette needs a face

Tuscan Tony: Jimmy Savile sent my mum flowers when I was born.

Urban Tory: @TT is he your dad?

Tuscan Tony: If Leeds loses its childrens' unit Jimmy Savile will move away

Spank Sinatra: Cooper looks as though she's lost a pound and found a shilling

DonkeyDong: Oi Copper! My helmet is bigger than yours!

Tuscan Tony: Anyone read David Miliband's Twitter feed about his seed?

John M Ward: Halfon, half off...

Ed But Look Balls: I've got a semion not a halfon!!

Urban Tory: ooh the Derby telegraph, that last bastion of free speech

the last quango in paris: the speaker could do with standing on the shoulder of a suffragette

John M Ward: Crumbs! I am reminded of Box from "Logan's run" - little head atop mountainous body...

Beware of Geeks: Woof Woof subroutine - **** CRITICAL ERROR ****

Tuscan Tony: I hope she's well tethered.

John M Ward: Ming the um, er, something-less. probably memory-less by now...

Steve Miliband: Menzies Older than Ken?

Beware of Geeks: Ken Clarke: "Give up my... Oh, but my dear Ratty, this is my career. Surely, you can't mean it."

Tuscan Tony: Second lunch soon, Ken.

Tuscan Tony: Al Megrahi has already booked his spot at the Menzies Campbell funeral.

Tuscan Tony: He is the skeleton from the old SCotch Tapes lifetime guarantee ad.

Rog: Heidi is obviously no stranger to the dessert trolley.

Dorian Smith: Bingo wing watch +2

Tuscan Tony: Arms like salamis

John M Ward: Is Fiona Bruce related to Malcolm Bruce?

Dick Scratcher: @ JW - More like Lenny Bruce

"If it gets nasty, get down to business"

From Counting Cats, another "I Want One Of Those" moments.

Guido's PMQs & Budget Live Highlights: What You Didn’t Read In The Papers

Thanks to Guido for hosting today's LiveChat where the windowlickers gather for Wednesday's PMQs.

It was a big one - over two hours of windowlicking goodness to trawl through hence the release today.

Ozzie had a frog in his throat for most of the budget speech and Red Ed's reply was simply pre-scripted drivel and there was a noticeable marked aggressive tone to the accompanied LiveChat comments.

Seeing Miliband yesterday was like watching a kid getting upset because mummy took his toys away for greedily gorging on all the family chocolates.

Although I am an equal opportunities windowlicker (I hate all the parties equally), I simply can't stand the hypocrisy of Labour blaming the Tories for the country's demise. From selling the gold at the bottom of the market, fiscal drag and the removal of the dividend tax credit on pensions, Gordon Brown and Labour have wrecked the economy. Fact.

But there they are, the little Orcs scampering around on the media, telling their lies to all the sheeple, criticising the Tories and all the while not one interviewer has said:

"But all this is your fault".

#tuscantonyslingualschool

Tuscan Tony: Good filghodu, laghaq tieqa


#tiewatch

Beware of Geeks: Purple tie for Ozzie, red for Cleggie, black for Cameron - George and Zippy would be proud


#hainpantone

Dick Scratcher: Hain pantone reference: 815G (Blackpool subs bench)


#celebwatch

Billy Bowden: Celeb watch: Gordon is not in the chamber


#latest

Steve Miliband: Al Magrahi survives Japanese Tsunami

Billy Bowden: Latest : al Marghrais toaster has died.

Tuscan Tony: Al Megrahi's Joshua tree's just died.

Dick Scratcher: LATEST: Megrahi's water cress has just died

Tuscan Tony: Al Magrahi outlives Liz Taylor.


#Labour parody of the Week

Gary Elsby: Anyone can be forgiven in thinking Tories have proven their successes over the years.


#bestpun

John M Ward MIA with tech probs


#bestline

Tuscan Tony: Fred Titmus will be spinning in his grave.


#highlights

obangobang: I think I prefer it upside down. I know my wife does, nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

obangobang: Too deep, too fast. My wife says that too!!

Tuscan Tony: Good filghodu, laghaq tieqa

Urban Tory: Ed Balls and Yvette Cooper are proof that ugly begets ugly

Tuscan Tony: Is John Woodcock a member of a splinter group?

Beware of Geeks: Ozzie got a nice shade of yellow - has he been on a quick trip to Zambia?

Urban Tory: @BoG its Liver failure

Tuscan Tony: Hague is the only person who looks more ridiculous than his cartoons.

Dick Scratcher: Is Shirley Williams' fanny a no fly zone?

Beware of Geeks: @DS - not even "bunker busters" can touch the sides

Tuscan Tony: Fred Titmus will be spinning in his grave.

Tuscan Tony: Croydon = Surrey's Detroit

Gadaffi: Gordo's wandering around Barnsley looking for the Thames. He might be a while.

obangobang: Maguire criticising someone for fluffing their lines. Lucky he uses his nose for his.

Tuscan Tony: Dead heat in a zeppelin race.

Beware of Geeks: "Tally ho! McRuin at angels 10. I've got a good tone...Fox..Fox 1"

Urban Tory: @BoG that was the geekiest and therefore coolest thing ever said on this blog

Cassius: NHS is going to be important if Harman is to get that face and hand transplant

The Anglo Saxon: "I can see clearly now the Gold has gone"

Tuscan Tony: Well endowment fund.

Steve Miliband: Rhodedendrum size plant

Tardkiller: I see Elsby is on day release

GuidoFawkes: @ns_mehdihasan Mrs Fawkes has made it clear she would like an Irish Baronetcy...

Urban Tory: why is Balls grinning like a bellend?

Billy Bowden: Because he is a bell end

Dorian Smith: Gary Elsby is a less eloquent Bob Crow

Nixon in China: Any truth in the rumour that Spandau ballet are lined up the play whenever Gordon Brown enters the House ?

Another Engineer: Nixon - They might as well line up Elvis to play when Gordon enters the house.

Ivor Tapeworm: From Shanghai to San Paulo - Hit Me with Your Rythm Stick

Steve Miliband: Massey Ferguson 1 John Deere 0

Call me Infidel: "does cherie wear a burka?" No but she bloody well should the ugly munter.

Tankus: Blimey.... wales gets electricity

Tardkiller: gordy did his budgets with a fishemans friend up his anus

Dick Scratcher: Enterprise Zones = Dogsh**land

Nixon in China: Potholes? Now they know how much it costs in cash to fill the Albert hall !

Dorian Smith: WHy don't we just put Caroline Lucas on a treadmill, how green is that?

Billy Bowden: POlly will blame Taylors death on the wicked tories.

Ivor Tapeworm: Has Elizabeth Taylor gone for a burton?

Nixon in China: If the media can just make the link between Liz Taylor, Japanese Spinach and Sarah Palin....Job Done!

cough mixture: BIG COUGH

Dick Scratcher: IDS wants his frog back

Beware of Geeks: Carla Bruni wants her frog back

Frog in Georges throat: Ken Clarke has nodded off

Tankus: Balls mock horror face ...same as his sex one ...I wonder

Nixon in China: Ed is hoping to soundbite the economy into recovery

busted nokia: Ed should audition for Caesar in life of brian

Tankus: what about Gordons biscuit policy on mumsnet ..to choc or hobnob !, its sooooo difficult

Over one million internet users in Libya

I came across an interesting article from the Arabic Network for Human Rights stating:

In 1998, the number of Internet users in Libya did not exceed 100 people. By early 2001, after Internet service was extended to the public, the number reached 300,000. By mid-2003, the number was estimated to be 850,000. It is rapidly reaching one million users, an immense number considering that the population in Libya is 6 million people.

That's a fair size of the population. I wonder how much the internet has played in the Middle East unrest recently or whether it is due to other global economic issues?

Guido's PMQs LiveChat Highlights: No Fuel Zone Edition

Thanks to Guidofor hosting today's LiveChat where the windowlickers gather for Wednesday's PMQs.

(sorry for delay - work issues)


#tiewatch

Dorian Smith: Could Clegg's tie be any more yellow?

Billy Bowden: Crap tie Ed!!!

@JULIANBRAY: Hague looking pensive .... why? all tories wearing blue ties has there been a fatwa?

@JULIANBRAY: cleggy has puilled out the yellow tie


#hainpantone

Dick Scratcher: Hain Pantone Reference : 815B (Belisha Brillo)


#celebwatch

Dick Scratcher: CELEB WATCH: Esma Cannon (old lady in Carry Ons) in public gallery


#latest

Dick Scratcher: LATEST: Al Megrahi’s air conditioning has just died.

Tuscan Tony: More bad news for Magrahi: his extensive lichen collection has just died.

Tuscan Tony: More bad news - Maghrahi's signature on the Magna Carta has faded.


#bestpun

John M Ward: Heinous or Hain-ous?


#bestline

Tuscan Tony: If Wotton Bassett is to be called Royal will Leicester be name Mongolian Cluster?


#highlights

Tuscan Tony: Does the Muslim Parliament do a Taliban/insurgent death rollcall too?

Steve Miliband: Woyal as Red Ed would say

Ed But Look Balls: Cheltenham tic tac

Tuscan Tony: If Wotton Bassett is to be called Royal will Leicester be name Mongolian Cluster?

Steve Miliband: You don't get posher than a posh jock jock

John M Ward: Ken Clarke's dark green tie flowing in a gentle curve over his belly...

Tuscan Tony: Ed "Mongolian" MIliband

John M Ward: Red Ed's mouth at least as assymetric as Douglas carswell's...

Dick the Prick: The Hain pantone quite heinous

John M Ward: Heinous or Hain-ous?

Tuscan Tony: Would Ed Miliband qualify for the Midsomer Murders cast, one wonders?

Dorian Smith: MRSA went up under Labour

Dick Scratcher: Angela Eagle wants a Strapadicktomi on the NHS

Dick the Prick: How saggy are Harman's jugs?

Dick Scratcher: NHSSR

John M Ward: "Son of Road-block" !

Dick Scratcher: Mandy likes his passage blocking

Tankus: shoot the dwarf

Ed But Look Balls: PrescriptED!

AV or not AV?: Ah nostalgia - Tractor Stats reappear

Dick Scratcher: George Formby?

Dick Scratcher: "Turned out sh** again"

Mr Bridger: miliband "I have a fwiend fwom Wome named 'Biggus Dickus.'"

Beware of Geeks: Won't someone think of the Ginsters

John M Ward: John Prescott is *always* thinking of Ginsters!

Dorian Smith: More macs than McDonalds at lunchtime

@JULIANBRAY: Och aye the rank an file putting police out on the street nae munny ye ken....something like that

Eddie Strange: 53 Jocks so far on my count....

Beware of Geeks: @Eddie Strange - you are Gordon Brown and I claim my free bankruptcy card

Dick Scratcher: Mandy likes Olympic Rings

Dick Scratcher: Bernie the Haircut

Rog: Ken Clarke looking like his Madame Tussards facsimile after a small fire.

Midsomer Ethnic: Born to be bullied

Dick the Prick: My right honourable Hooooon

Unearthly music

Take the raw data from the program file for Microsoft paint.exe, import as a PCM audio file, awesome...!

Listen here

h/t bengoldacre

Guido's PMQs LiveChat: Keep It Vague Edition

Thanks to Guido for hosting today's LiveChat where the windowlickers gather for Wednesday's PMQs.

Peter Bone got the funniest line in with a great reply from Cam saying: "I wish my wife was as easily pleased!"

#carloslunch

Carlos: What's should I have for pudding?

Carlos: Should I use Fairy or Tesco washing up liquid?

John M Ward: Bottle Fairy, Carlos. Oh no, that's a Japanese anime...


#tiewatch

Dick Scratcher: Old school tie behind - or is it egg?


#hainpantone

Dick Scratcher: Hain Pantone Reference : 815B (Andre’s six pack)


#celebwatch

Dick Scratcher: CELEB WATCH: Stuart Golabek (Inverness Caledonian Thistle defender) in public gallery

Dick Scratcher: CELEB WATCH: Stuart Golabek (Inverness Caledonian Thistle defender) in public gallery


#latest

Dick Scratcher: LATEST: Al Megrahi’s cactus has just died.

Dick Scratcher: LATEST: Al Megrahi’s watch has just died.


#bestpun

John M Ward: Y'know: if Guido collapsed in the gutter on the way back from the pub', would he become one of those fawkes in the road?


#bestline

Billy Bowden: If you saw Guido at the beach you would have to start throwing buckets of water over him.


#highlights

Steve Miliband: David Cameron’s favourite cigarettes are Silk Savings

Steve Miliband: Hague would like 20 Embassies

Steve Miliband: Osborne prefers Benson and Hedgefunds

Dorian Smith: HH looking perky, is it the love beads?

John M Ward: "Poleeth othitherth ??

obangobang: We've lost 12,000 police officers in Libya? F*** me, that was careless.

Tuscan Tony: Two Theresa's, One Cup.

John M Ward: From MacNeil to Neil Carmichael

John M Ward: ...and in a while back to Andrew Neil!

Ed But Look Balls: dildo goggins!

Dick Scratcher: Del Piero: There are a quarter of a million Italians in Britain. And they’ll be made to suffer. Every restaurant, café, ice-cream parlour, gambling den and nightclub in London, Liverpool and Glasgow, will be smashed. Mr Bridger will drive them into the sea.

John M Ward: Was that Caroline Flint's other hair?

Beware of Geeks: Did she just say "Bull****!"?

Tuscan Tony: Gloria de Bonehead.

MrHarryCole: Cracking question from the Bonester

Ed But Look Balls: Bone Alone!

paulwaugh: Brilliantly deft reply from PM to Peter Bone:"I wish my wife was as easy to please"

Steve Miliband: I bet Ed wishes his 'life partner' was easy to please

Tuscan Tony: Michael W, you are a pile of erectile tissue and I claim my offshore trust.

Tuscan Tony: Why is Vince Cable wearing an opium poppy?

Dick the Prick: Sweaty, matted, greasy minge

Tuscan Tony: Don't knock it til you've tried it DtP

Steve Miliband: Al Mehgrahi's great granny's birthday today

Tuscan Tony: Powerful thighs, that Bagshawe woman.

Rog: Ken Clarke going for the partially deflated rubber dinghy look I think.

Dick Scratcher: I’d like to communicate Caroline Flint’s brains out, but what happened to that other great Liebour communicator Tony McNumpty? Anyone seen him?

Tuscan Tony: fist past the paws - Winnie the Pooh porno?

Steve Miliband: Alan titmarsh has fewer plants

Dick Scratcher: He should give Ffion a good ff***ing

John M Ward: Y'know: if Guido collapsed in the gutter on the way back from the pub', would he become one of those fawkes in the road?

John M Ward: Y'know: if Guido collapsed in the gutter on the way back from the pub', would he become one of those fawkes in the road?

Billy Bowden: If you saw Guido at the beach you would have to start throwing buckets of water over him.

Guido's PMQs LiveChat: Bomber Dave Edition

Thanks to Guido for hosting today's LiveChat where the windowlickers gather for Wednesday's PMQs.

First one after half term where Red Ed splits his questions. Cameron gets a few laughs with his "brother loyalty" jibe but rather loses it when he tries it the second time.

#carloslunch

Carlos: I will making love to my girlfriend after PMQs. What positions should we try?

Tuscan Tony: Try being in the same room as her, Carlos.

Beware of Geeks: Hey, it's Carlos!

John M Ward: Ah, Carlos! First time I noticed you. What's for dinner? ;-)


#tiewatch

Beware of Geeks: Beaker's wearing a bright blue tie today

Steve Miliband: Hain clashes with tie

iainmartin1: @JohnRentoul Yes, Cameron and Miliband wearing almost matching outfits but Mili E's tie just a touch more purple


#hainpantone

Dick Scratcher: Hain Pantone Reference : 812G (Gaddafi’s Bollocks)


#celebwatch

Dick Scratcher: CELEB WATCH: Colin Bean (Pte. Sponge in Dads Army) in public gallery

sophyridge: Sally Bercow beaming down from public gallery in #pmqs


#latest

Dick Scratcher: LATEST: Al Megrahi’s Kalashnikov has just died.

Tuscan Tony: newsflash: Al Magrahi's Joshua tree just died.


#bestpun

John M Ward: Hasn't he been cautioned for loitering within tent?


#bestline

Tuscan Tony: Try saying electrification after lunch with Prezza


#highlights

Tuscan Tony: I just heard a minister refer to "beard rigging". Whatever could he have meant?

Steve Miliband: Iain martin is expecting a no tie zone

Dick Scratcher: Beaker supressing erection

Tuscan Tony: Send some Somali pirates to Libya.

Dorian Smith: What's going on with Tessa, like a sofa seeping it's stuffing

Dick Scratcher: The Mekon in humble nodding mode

Steve Miliband: socilist run out of other peoples monikers

adamboulton: EM: Why not dump policy? DC: In a moment you are going to give me a lesson on family loyalty.

Ed But Look Balls: Harpic looks like her anal beads are chafing!

Saif Pair of Hands: Mr Speaker wants to get to the bottom

Tuscan Tony: 2000 IT systems=10,000 lunches.

John M Ward: Huhne: "I think, therefore I am - I think..."

The Anglo Saxon: She was caught in bed with Mandy last week thats how butch she is.

Tuscan Tony: Tapsell: Bond villian

Yardarm: Al Megrahi; next President of Libya

Tuscan Tony: Severe poverty=42" plasma

Dorian Smith: Was Pearce a former member of the Sisters Of Mercy?

Airey Belvoir: Is Huhne in despair? Is Carina too rough with the strap-on?

Tuscan Tony: Try saying electrification after lunch with Prezza

Ed But Look Balls: Blenkinsop of Ripping Yarns fame!

Ed But Look Balls: Phil Marrowbone Jelly!

Guido's PMQs LiveChat: Beans and Gold Edition

Thanks to Guido for hosting today's LiveChat where the windowlickers gather for Wednesday's PMQs.

Another subdued session today with Red Ed not really landing any punches, although Michael White was spinning like Lord HawHaw on amphetamine on Twitter today.

#tiewatch

Billy Bowden: Pink tie by Clegg

iainmartinwsj: @JohnRentoul @martinbeckford Hague wins, as usual, on the neckwear front

iainmartinwsj: RT @amolrajan: and i know i bang on about it every week, but Osborne's tie is unforgivable

John M Ward: Odd orange stripe on his tie...


#hainpantone

Dick Scratcher: Hain Pantone Reference : 815B (Mouldy Satsuma)


#celebwatch

joncraig: Looks like Sally Bercow in gallery above Govt side of chamber for PMQs. Bright red dress and red tights. Gazing adoringly at hubby John!


#latest

Dick Scratcher: LATEST: Al Megrahi’s mobile has just died.


#bestpun

John M Ward: I think that whatever ends up happening with forests, Cameron is lumbered with the eventual decision...


#bestline

Dick Scratcher: She takes up two postcodes


#highlights

Billy Bowden: thanks Guido , wonder if a question on world class cancer care in lybia will make it?

Sue Denim: Harman's on Jury Duty - wonder if the crim will be someone she knows?

Dorian Smith: Wonder if Ozzy will have his "these are not the droids you're looking for" look this week

no longer anonymous: osborne grinning like a gimp

Dorian Smith: Is that Servelan from Blakes 7 to the left of Red Ed?

missing bogey picker: about time Lord Haw-Haws fate befell Michael White

iainmartinwsj: Who on earth scalped Mili E?! Haircut too short - like Elvis after they put him in the US army.

Ed But Look Balls: Ed Balls looks like he's squeezing out an SBD fart!

genghiz the khan: red ed like a rabbit stuck in front of a lorry

sophyridge: Ed Miliband's white patch seems to be turning into a white stripe...

journodave: Gosh this is about as boring as a Mumford and Sons album.

mrsspeakernaked: i don't like seeing DC a bit flustered by the funny man opposite with a nasal listhp. I blame the cat

joncraig: Sally Bercow laughs again when hubby John says he wants to hear from Nicholas Soames, who looks like he's had a two black pudding breakfast.

Dick Scratcher: The Wardrobe with his key.

Dick the Prick: Put down that goose pie

C4politics: RT @cathynewman: Sally bercow watching pmqs from public gallery, dressed in more than a sheet

The Enormous Community: one in one out ? it's Dave's Prison policy

Tuscan Tony: Do Labour have a deckchair rearrangement policy?

Dick Scratcher: Anal Duncan sat on a pleaser

John M Ward: Grayling in a Gray suit...

Dick Scratcher: LATEST: Al Megrahi’s mobile has just died.

Tuscan Tony: To be buried with his tortoise, DS.

MrHarryCole: My favorite ever cabbie sourced story was one about Ed Balls brushing Gordon Brown's hair on the way to a restaurant.

Tuscan Tony: moral compost?

Billy Bowden: Is Gordon in the Chamber?

Spank Sinatra: Yes Billy - the chamber pot

paulwaugh: Heckle of the Day. Lab MPs shout "Timber!" as PM says he not happy w forest sell-off policy.

John M Ward: I think that whatever ends up happening with forests, Cameron is lumbered with the eventual decision...

genghiz the khan: Is Hazel doing her own signs for the deaf?

Dick Scratcher: Cable discussing the 2.30 at Chepstow

The Enormous Community: The Big Society isn't Big enough for Pickles

Dick Scratcher: She takes up two postcodes

journodave: Theresa May appears to be wearing your nan's curtains from 1973