Guido's PMQs LiveChat: Budget Bashing Edition

Where Guido's window lickers come and gather, to blather and let rip their feelings on all things politics as the MPs assemble for the Wednesday lunchtime ritual of Prime Minister's Question Time.

A maelstrom of lexicon, a staccato of snipes, an orgy of aggressive and jocular banter hosted by Guido.

Did you miss the funny one liners from Messrs Ward, Sinatra, Stone and Scratcher?!?

Well fear not - here are the highlights and if Harman's head explodes Scanner style, then god forgive you for not being there to laugh out loud on Guido's Live Chat!


What's for lunch Carlos?

MIA


Theresa May Spacesuit Watch

MIA


Harman's "Big Game" Safari watch

Beware of Geeks: No giraffe suit - bah

Ghost of Greg Stone: Zebra to the right


Hain (and Cam) Pantone Watch

Dick Scratcher: Cameron Pantone Reference : 817F (Volcanic Andre)

Dick Scratcher: Hain Pantone Reference : 810B (Spring Gavin Henson)


TeatherWatch

MIA


Dodgy Tie of the Week

Tom FD: clegg wearing a red tie?


Star Trek Watch

Beware of Geeks: Star Trek refeerence

gone fuckin mental: black hole

Ghost of Greg Stone: Star trek joke fell flat this week

Should_Be_Working: More Star Trek stuff?

Posh Tory: Hate to point out that you can't dig in a black hole...


Talon Watch

Roger Thornhill: Careful Cameron, you appear to be catching the curse of the claw


Labour parody of the Week

Heard it all before dave: PFIs still exist, they are tory policy, deficit reduction, no, they increase the deficit. Dave's full of **** and is merely consolidating his and his fellow millionaires' wealth.


Best line of the Week

John Ward: *Vince* Cable TV!!


Highlights

Dick Scratcher: Dismal Dave = dolphin friendly twat

obangobang: Nandy's handy, apparently.

Dick Scratcher: Stand by for a repeat of the scene from ‘Scanners’ when Harperson’s head explodes

Barry Fuckwit: Has Dave got his mum sat next to him?

Dorian Smith: Oh dear, hereeeeeeee's Michael White!

Tiewatcher: Spag Bollocks

gone fuckin mental: 3-0 from the back

Dick Scratcher: Smash - right in the back of the neck

Beware of Geeks: It's funny hearing Labour having a go at the Tories - it's like blaming your morning dump on your neighbour's carpet.... on your neighbour!

Spank Sinatra: Oh sit down you little runt

Should_Be_Working: Cameron's not straight? Does Samantha know?

Beware of Geeks: Geek-onomics surely

obangobang: I'd like to wish England the best of luck tomorrow on their journey home

obangobang: Cristophe Lamby Pie?

Ghost of Greg Stone: Fusion research for the coalition?

Spank Sinatra: Large hadron collider couldn't make them love each other

13eastie: DC appears to have found Carol Caplin's sun-bed in the attic of No. 10

Beware of Geeks: What's that? Vevuzelas, thousands of them!

Roger Thornhill: Bercow sounds like he is calling out "Cashier number four, please"

Dick Scratcher: I’ve worked out why Dismal Dave gave the cosmonaut the Home Office – he parks his bike in her cleavage

Beware of Geeks: Andrew Selous like Petit Filous!

John Ward: "Mmm. Port Salut!"

Ghost of Greg Stone: Thats cheesy John Ward

John Ward: I know, Ghost, but I'm just a softy. When I'm being hard, I go for blue Stilton.

Dick the Prick: Whoa - need a distillery to shag that

Should_Be_Working: We forecast that the number of children living under Labour will be zero.

Dick the Prick: Peter Bone - hee hee hee

Dick Scratcher: Cow in house

Spank Sinatra: This guy does not have opposable thumbs

MisterE: Blimey - she hasn't missed many dinners...

Dick Scratcher: Who is that fat bastard?

John Ward: Diane Abbott, I think, or John Prescott...

Beware of Geeks: The bastard spinster of Abbot and Prescott's affair

Dick Scratcher: She has 2 Jags for lunch

Ghost of Greg Stone: Stuff Sinn Fein

Dick Scratcher: Can you hear ticking?

John Ward: Surely Hexham (from its name) should have *six* pubs?

jgm2: Surely Hexham should have six pigs. I think I slept with all of them.

Beware of Geeks: Ozzie looks like he's about to throw up - been to a good party last night - drink, coke and hookers

keeprightonline: I'm so sound they've started calling me 'Vuvuzela'... also coz I'm annoying as ****

Sir Trev Skint MP: Just in case there are any Talybunnies listening

Ghost of Greg Stone: Fog in Channel, Continent isolated.

Spank Sinatra: Diane Abbot's black hole? Yuk

Wanted Poster

Much fun to be found here

Guido's PMQs Live - Highlights

Missed all the banter on Guido's Live PMQs? Can't be bothered to trawl through pages of the windowlicking scribblings of the demented? Want to see the highlights in one easy to digest posting?

Well, welcome to the weekly Guido's PMQs Live - Highlights

Harman's Second Chance Edition

What's for lunch Carlos

MIA



Theresa May Spacesuit Watch

MIA



Harman's "Big Game" Safari watch

old holborn: harman, giraffe or camo?

Beware of Geeks: Giraffe I hope OH - I've got my big hunting rifle in anticipation

old holborn: nope, shes borrowed a sparkly suit from Oxfam

old holborn: liberace wants his jacket back after

old holborn: she looks like a badly stuffed sofa

John Ward: That's an old, original Cyberman costume that Harman's wearing: I recognise that shine anywhere!



Hain Pantone Watch

Dick Scratcher: Peter Hain Pantone Ref : 817D (Dickinson Teak)



TeatherWatch

MIA



Dodgy Tie of the Week

Tiewatcher: Miller: bad choice of tie for that shirt

Tiewatcher: Stuart Andrew tie acceptable

Tiewatcher: dramatic tie fail in row behind. brown and pink not a good fashion combination

Tiewatcher: carswell - not a good look - stripes, checks, and non matching tie. poor.

Tiewatcher: Elfyn's tie not bad but better with a navy suit



Star Trek Watch

.243 Win: CMD on Star Trek watch !

Beware of Geeks: Star Trek watch from Cam!!!

Northern Tory: treckie

Hugh Janus: Star Trek!

Dick Scratcher: Mandy has trouble with Klingons

adamboulton: HH: does he agree unemployment is never a price worth paying. DC: Labour leadership election looks like a star trek convention. Apologize!

John Ward: Star Trek/leadership connection: well, they have a Uhura in the running, though no Scotties...




Talon Watch

.243 Win: How long before we see a Harman claw ?

Beware of Geeks: @243 - talon, surely?

.243 Win: Geeks : OK, "talon watch" it is.....

Smig: Where is Harm men's clunking fist? I misst the mic being battered.

John Ward: Harman'd Got Talons!"

Ghost of Greg Stone: Pointy claw again


Labour parody of the Week

Proud to be Labour: Only the public sector can save Britain. We need a big investment in the public sector - at the cost of the private sector. The private sector ebbs and flows, but the public sector is eternal.



Best line of the Week

mort: damn my dog just farted... oddly it smells better than the labour party!


Highlights

torybear: Will be on Sky News at 7pm. Discussing banking reform, but most importantly - beard or no beard?

Beware of Geeks: @ToryBear - borrow a merkin

John Ward: I don't think ToryBear was referring to Harman (as per preceding comments here) w.r.t. the "beard"...

Dick Scratcher: Ken Clarke has a mirkin

Dick Scratcher: Harperson has a beard cos she's had too many facelifts

old holborn: god, it's bloody hogwarts

John Ward: OH yes! The Tin (Har-)Man!

.243 Win: Wasn't the tin-thing looking for a heart ? Oddly appropriate...

Beware of Geeks: I see Lurch has returned to support Harman

.243 Win: The old advert campaign was right : Harpic : Clean round the bend....

stew: that grumblehound next to harperson is giving me the creeps. i'm off for a Radox bath

old holborn: Michael White really is a weapons grade bellend

Dr Bombastic: Pudsey - does he represent teddy bears?

Tiewatcher: who's the creepy looking Mr Bean lookalike down the end of the Govt frontbench?

Keith josephs head: In the wide shot is that the Green Party Bird siiting with clear space either sideof her? she must smell funny

Dick Scratcher: Ainsworth is fixing his Cortina at the weekend

.243 Win: Looks like one of those purple things you get in a tin of Quality Street.

Spank Sinatra: I always spit those purple ones out

Smig: Blunket playing a blinder on the backbenches

Dorian Smith: Can we at least get rid of Michael White's photo, almost bad as his pompous posts

Beware of Geeks: Corr, Sir White pouring out the snipes today - he's been on the sherry again?

Dick Scratcher: Thank God T May is not in that strapless dress

mort: damn my dog just farted... oddly it smells better than the labour party!

Beware of Geeks: I do wish that alien implant would break out of Ken Clarke live on TV - that would be a scoop

old holborn: why do we need hill farmers? Holland doesn't

mort: MW: just sod off and find a choirboy for your fun you gormless twat

Wearyside: just noticed Ken Clark is still alive,, I had a lovely dream last night he was involved in a hideous accident involving penguins and a chainsaw :(

Hugh Janus: Has Saint Vince got a bad attack of piles?

Doktorb: Graham Brady - a cartoon version of Prince William

Dick Scratcher: Fur berger

mort: guido please lose the MW twits he is worse than a muslim at a an army parade

John Ward: Ah, the Munsters had another daughter!

old holborn: Wednesday Addams

Beware of Geeks: Everyday Addams

.243 Win: OH : Surely shold be "Sabbath Addams" ?

Spank Sinatra: Check your hub caps - scouser alert

TNT: She could suck a golf ball through a hose pipe

Dick Scratcher: Lammy : "2+2=5"

Spank Sinatra: Who do you think deregulated betting you twat?

Dick Scratcher: Thought Lammy could have done that with a rap - a la John Barnes

Guido's PMQs Live - Highlights

Missed all the banter on Guido's Live PMQs? Can't be bothered to trawl through pages of the windowlicking scribblings of the demented? Want to see the highlights in one easy to digest posting?

Well, welcome to the weekly Guido's PMQs Live - Highlights

Harman's Second Chance Edition



What's For Lunch Carlos?

MIA



Theresa May Spacesuit Watch

Beware of Geeks: I've spied Theresa May - she's wearing the spacesuit again!

dmh: Theresa May-space 1999 oufit.

Steve Expat: Theresa in the space suit again!

Harman's "Big Game" Safari watch

Steve Expat: no giraffe suit this week

Spank Sinatra: Good grief - my screen's having a fit!

Beware of Geeks: Just gonna get my hunting rifle

Old holborn: get a shotgun, all of you, quick

Dick the Prick: Spilt Jack's spunk over her

Billy Blofeld: Is that some sort of urban camoflage on Hattie?

John Ward: We're back to the original giraffe outfit this week, rather than the backup one we saw last week...

Dick Scratcher: She's wearing a sofa

Hain Pantone Watch

Dick Scratcher: Hain Pantone ref - 818B (Belisha Pepper)

TeatherWatch

The little hamster pixie was missing



Dodgy Tie of the Week

Ghost of Greg Stone: Hague with a yellow tie the coalition is going too far

Robson S: Hague got the mustard tie on and growing the hair back a la Ming - has he been traded to the LibDems? Tessa Jowell looks like Rosa Klebb on downers - not even that dress will cheer her up. Probably thinking of how Berlisconi cocked things up for Millsy

Tiewatcher: Hague favours yellow ties - classic lt blue shirt / yellow tie combo, always good with a navy suit

Bill Quango MP: Its not a yellow tie..its his judo belt

Spank Sinatra: Don't forget Hagues spandex outfit underneath however

Tiewatcher: Desmond Swayne's tie quite good - directly behind Cam

JULIAN BRAY DUCKHOUSE: cleggy gone green tie seen that one before >matalan

Tiewatcher: nice tie behind George Young

Tiewatcher: good effort from VInce on the tie front

Star Trek Watch

No Vulcans sighted



Claw Watch

Unsworth: Seems to have caught the box banging disease. Something on the Govt benches? Next, The Claw? Urgent medical assistance needed, I think.

Labour parody of the Week

Strangely absent



Best line of the Week

Dick Scratcher: Q: What is Diane Abbot going to do about defence? A: Paint it de same colour as de house.

Highlights

Steve Expat: Morning from somewhere hot and sunny!!

Beware of Geeks: Cleethorpes?

guidofawkes: Just did a bit of voguing to Daily Politics guess the year soundtrack. Memories..

Old holborn: anyone seen Gordon? Is he at the Priory?

Billy Blofeld: Not the Priory - Jonah's been hanging around BP a lot....

Old holborn: Great news about abolishing free school meals. Most kids round our way look like Jabba the ****ing Hut

Dick the Prick: Mr Spunker

Robson S: Gordon ever gonna show up? Watched that documentary on Nixon again last night - remarkable similarities with McDoom

Dick Scratcher: I thought glenoglaza was an Italian window shine ???

Beware of Geeks: Roger de Courcey's got a new job I see

Dick Scratcher: Let the sheep shaggers have independence & we'll take our public sector jobs out

Old holborn: Set the Welsh adrift

John Ward: Disdain from Hain, but he's a pain!

John Ward: Not so far Farronn as Faraway, I think...

Ghost of Greg Stone: Can you ban MichaelWhite Guido boring idiot

Dick the Prick: BAN STUFF NOW. Down with this sort of thing

Billy Blofeld: Hattie and Tessa look like they have dressed for Songs of Praise...

Head Lizard: Hague uses too much noggin polish

JULIAN BRAY DUCKHOUSE: Can't see Gordon Brown anywhere must be saving the world (cup)

Dick the Prick: Danger danger, high voltage high voltage

PSBCustard: Osborne looks as though he's dreaming of knocking one out over Harperson's tits

JULIAN BRAY DUCKHOUSE: hair by harmony... or har by harmony

Dick Scratcher: Beware of Geeks - who's the T shirt model on your website? Can I have her number?

Beware of Geeks: @Dick Scratcher - my man boobs

John Ward: Harman: "Um, let's think of a way to make this look like I'm right..."

Steve Expat: Shut up Hattie, I know you're not used to seeing an honest answer at PMQs but you got one!

Dick Scratcher: Eric Pickles wants an equal seat to Sarah Teather

Old holborn: Eric Pickles should have to win two seats

Billy Blofeld: Abbott and Balls - fantastic...

guidofawkes: Unconfirmed rumour that Diane Abbott has made it through

Beware of Geeks: @Guido - made it through? What, a morning without eating 18 cakes?

Dick Scratcher: Tessa Jowell is wearing the curtains...

Headsonpoles: Vote Abbot - or Spitfire or London Pride

Tom FD: may looks awful

Beware of Geeks: @Tom FD - It's what prolonged exposure to zero gravity does to you

guidofawkes: Hattie's comedian script writer shows her skills

Beware of Geeks: "Bring back Gordon!" Er, no sorry,.. nurse, my pills please

PSBCustard: You don't need CCTV. Just shoot all miscreants and put more bobbies on the beat.

Old holborn: Ed Balls is Alf Garnett LOVE IT

Old holborn: @Ed Balls "Blaaahdy Cooonns"

Bill Quango MP: In Sickness and in Health - ed and hattie

Old holborn: Ken Clark is nursing his unborn baby

Billy Blofeld: Wolverine's grandad

Spank Sinatra: Love the racoon hat

Old Holborn: osbourne is on "pause"

Dick Scratcher: Ozzy needs new batteries

Steve Expat: "Big is not always beautiful" - Kerry McCarthy?

Spank Sinatra: Lots of fish in Luton

Beware of Geeks: An equal opportunity haddock

Spank Sinatra: She could suck start a Harley

Dick Scratcher: Wasn't she on Property Ladder?

DS Need to be a strong ****ing ladder...

Old Holborn: We need high speed rail to get the heroin addled wife beaters back to Scotland asap

Dick Scratcher: Mandy wants to come on England

Quote of the Day: Dave's got more plants than a Vietnamese cannabis factory FFS.

What's the carbon footprint of a pint of beer?

I couldn't give a shit personally as all this global warming nonsense is just bollocks, but sometimes it can produce some nuggets of amusement.  From the great An Englishman's Castle blog, the host makes good a quip about the banality of a Guardianista journalist, fist deep in his frotting diatribe of carbon footprinting eco-onanism on the amount of CO2 released when producing a pint of beer and comparing it to the output from black tea production, when suddenly a comment appears that makes one chortle enough to have one reaching for the emergency bottle of cask strength Laphroaig:

Black tea? What a load of whining f*cking puritans.


My carbon footprint for beer can be seen on any hippy's back as I climb over the barbeque to get to the bar/fridge.

Thank you nbc!

I wish I could be like David Laws

Potentially could have been a great man in politics, intelligent, great business acumen, rights to a private life... whatever you feel about this guy, and I agree with most of the sentiments that have already been expressed by others, there's one repeatable nucleotide that seems to run through all the political elite's DNA:

Putting their self interest above the country.

It's obviously not the money is it?  Laws was a millionaire.  It's the fact that the political elite try to twist the system to benefit themselves once again.

If I try and put a "Thai massage with extras" though as a business expense, the HMRC would simply shake their collective wonk heads, wag their callus free manicured fingers and point me to EIM31660:

To be deductible from the earnings of an employment an expense must be incurred wholly and exclusively in the performance of the duties of the employment.

They would simply and quite rightly refuse it.  I know I shouldn't put this through as an expense, however complicated the tax rules are.

Laws knew.  He knew it was wrong.  He tried to use his sexuality to protect himself.  I'm sorry, but it is wrong.

We need FULL transparency, FULL accountability for EVERY penny claimed by the political elite and for them to be subjected to the same rules as the rest of us have with the HMRC.

Better still, simply remove the option of expenses from the political elite and let them chose and pay for the various services out of their "salaries" like the rest of us have to do in business.

An Appalling Question Time

I have to admit that I avoid watching the spectacle of farce and bias that has become the BBC's Question Time, but last night I joined David Vance and the crew from Biased BBC to watch the programme and comment on Live Chat.

Probably the worse edition of the programme I have seen. 

The programme kicked off by Dimbers saying that the new coalition government refused to place one of their ministers there unless they removed the failed spin doctor and yesterday's man, Alistair Campbell from the panel and replace him with a shadow minister.

Gavin Allen, the executive editor of Question Time said:

It is for Question Time, not political parties, to make judgements about impartiality and to determine who is invited to appear in the interests of the audience.

The remaining 59 minutes of the programme quickly nosedived into an orgy of Tory bashing, coalition critique and pro Labour propaganda, apart from one minor distraction of Piers Moron blaming Campbell for Iraq and asking him to apologise, which he naturally refused (for fear of opening a can of fake dossier worms).  Amusingly, someone in the audience at that moment jeered: "Dr Kelly". 

John Redwood initially took a surprisingly aggressive stance against Campbell throwing in plenty of blame for the mess we're in down to "Campbell's government".  Unfortunately, an audience packed with liberals clapping enthusiastically like seals whenever Campbell had finished his diatribes and the constant interruptions from Dimbers quickly quenched any semblance of a Tory viewpoint.

This is interesting in the fact that maybe, perhaps the new coalition have started to make a stand against the creep of "progressive" liberal bias that has infested the once great BBC.  Evidence of their complete lack of political impartiality is becoming more public and their ludicrous stance of "the science is settled within the BBC" and their zealous defence of anything regarding the eco-lunacy of the global warming bollocks and windmills variety is frankly staggering.

Could we be seeing the first battle lines being drawn between the new coalition government and the BBC?  Certainly, the BBC's anti-Tory rhetoric is growing stronger.  Do they sense their vast empire may be in danger as the new coalition starts to hack away at the gluttonous tentacles of the public sector?  Maybe.

You can all help with that process yourselves by cancelling your TV licences.  It's very easy to do.  Here's the number: 0844 800 6705.  Just say you want to cancel your licence, they don't ask you why and if they do, just say you don't watch any more telly.

More info here.

"Oi! You look like an alien, mate"...

...were the words some schoolkid shouted at me a few years ago while cycling with a helmet.  I didn't mind what he said, in actual fact, he was quite right, I did look like something from a Ridley Scott outtake with sweat pouring down my face.

A few months later I stopped wearing one, not because I was sensitive to the occasional insult thrown my way, but to the false sense of security it was providing.

Cycling on main roads is a daunting experience for most cyclists, especially in school rushhour with the blind panic of a herd of women rushing to pick up their precious cargo of spawn.

Would a helmet have protected me from the juggernaut that didn't stop at the roundabout I was traversing?

Would a helmet have protected me from the car that overtook me through a width restriction speed calming measure?

Would a helmet have protected me from the juggernaut that simply didn't give me enough room on the bend?

Would a helmet have protected me from the car that overtook me and then suddenly braked and turned sharply left in front of me?

The answer to all those questions is quite simply, no.

One of my personal objections to wearing a cycling helmet is not that it is an infringements of my individual rights, or that it look silly, it's the epitome of all that is wrong with the risk adverse, health and safety legislation that we are being subjected to on a daily basis.

Talk to some people that you do not wear a helmet and the response is a sharp intake of breath, a barrage of meaningless statistics and a wagging finger.

The unintended consequences of threatening people with immediate death if you do not wear a helmet is the fact that a false sense of security is nurtured within people believing that the safety gear makes them invincible to fast moving, solid objects.

Some people don the hi-vis vests and believe they are wearing the Breastplate Armour of Invicibility.

Some people don the alien helmet and believe they have been blessed with the Helm of Righteousness.

Some people don the cycling handwear and believe they are wearing the magic Gloves of Sauron.

The people I know that wear this gear, often jump on their bikes and cycle on the roads without a care, going through red lights, chatting away and paying no attention to what is behind them, in front of them and what is overtaking them.

By wearing all this protective gear they think they are shrouded in a magical force field that enables them to cycle through a roundabout in front of a 30 tonne juggernaut which will simply stop in a Matrix-esque "bullet time" fashion while the cycling hero darts in between Agents Ford, Daewoo and Audi unscathed.

No.  Ears and eyes, concentration and a constant reminder: you are the bottom feeder in this maelstrom of deadly missiles.

If I hear a lorry behind me impatiently trying to overtake, do I adopt the attitude of "It's my right to be on the road"?  No.  I pull over and let him pass.

If I see a width restriction or a parked car in front of me, do I pull out?  No.  I look behind me and with plenty of time, indicate and pull out slowly.  If the person hasn't seen me or I suspect will ignore me, I will stop on the side of the road.

If I approach a side road or a supermarket entrance, will I have a quick look around and carry on cycling?  No.  I slow down, look behind me, move out to the middle of the road and cover the brakes.

Cycling is great fun, even on the roads but I wouldn't cycle in busy city centres or dual carriageways if I could travel on quieter roads.

It's all about awareness of other drivers, their viewpoint and your own actions.  Wearing all the safety gear does not absolve you of these responsibilities, nor does it make you invincible.

Some interesting views here

A cracking retort to a liebour troll

h/t Speccie (Nicholas)

Richard the Dork - the only poster whose comments suggested an unpleasant combination of sweating and writhing was you.

Your copious and seemingly never ending posts in the run up to the election revealed with crystal clarity your narrow minded bias, your sweeping stereotypic dismissal of alternative political viewpoints and your swallowing, hook line and sinker, of the propaganda being generated by an unpleasant and unelected trio of New Labour spinners. It already sounded passé, the chip-shouldered blathering of one of last century's soviet surrogates, a rather empty head filled with preconceptive sloganism, socialist mythology and resentment rather than any objectivity, maturity or the fruits of any meaningful life experience. But following the final purging of Scotch Marxism from Westminster it sounds positively archaic - and trite. A sad and grubby celebration of the negative, the literary (and not very literate) equivalent of sour grapes, rooted in the Marxist last gasp of 1997 and the awakening disbelief that your Party's spinning and lies were no longer to be believed. May I suggest that you accompany your sour grapes with a generous helping of hard cheese and a bottle of the finest Conservative schadenfreude, vintage 2010 (infinitely more palatable than Blue Nun) courtesy of yours truly.

Fortunately, cooler and more objective Labour heads prevailed. Your heckling, abusive and oh so tired kind of politics is perhaps best expressed by going to join the scruffy crowds of yoof Labour activists chanting "Tory scum" on the streets of London. I understand Fatbloke is there waiting for you with a two-man soviet-style banner to support. The pair of you will then be able to rival Laurel and Hardy in a heady mix of archaic political dogma and slapstick comedy.

Di-dum, di-dum, di-dum, di-dum, di-diddlee-dee .

Out, damn'd spot! out, I say!

At last the skid mark on the underpants of Britain has met the Persil of destiny

A "Car Crash" Labour Poster Campaign Launch

When you can't get your barrel scraping poster campaign right, it's time to accept those P45s...


h/t BBC


Wonderful!

"It wasnae ma fault" - The Prime Mentalist's Final Downfall

He's toast. Finally. The mendacious cat is out of the staged managed bag.

And even in this public revelation his revolting, self-centred, devoid of character and leadership, spineless common decency prevents him forever admitting he was wrong. Oh no, it's always someone else's fault:

The offending unintended live broadcast:

"Ugh everything! She's just a sort of bigoted woman that said she used to be Labour. I mean it's just ridiculous. I don't know why Sue brought her up towards me"

Denials:

"Of course I apologise if I've said anything that's been offensive..."

If?!!? If!?!?!? You mendacious, rictus grinning imbecile.

"but you've got to remember that this was me being helpful to the broadcasters, with my microphone on, ..."

It wasnae ma fault...FFS!

"...and they [broadcasters] have chosen to play my private conversation."

It wasnae me, it was those nasty media types.


And the last word from the Prince of Darkness:

"It is very unfortunate that this remark that he didn't believe got picked up. But he should be judged on how he responded. And that's why he apologised immediately."

Quite, my Dark Lord. So, good riddance Brown, you are the worst Prime Mentalist the nation has had the misfortune of knowing.

Anyone But Gordon

Brilliant piece of video by G.O.T

The "Presidential" Debate

Stifled. Saccharine. Staged.

A bit of an anticlimax and a bit dreary. I hope they spice the remaining shows up a little: perhaps let the audience cheer and boo and possibly even throw things.

Alistair Stewart tried to emulate a pre-emptive multitasking protocol and ended up stopping the natural flow of the debate somewhat. This riled Brown at various points whose preferred debating tactics include interruption, continuing after the allotted time and head-shaking.

Cleggy came across as the most natural, spoke into the camera and cleverly listed all the audience member’s names in his closing speech. A media masterclass although one criticism was that the “try us, not the old lot” wore thin towards the end. Also, I wondered whether Cleggy had recently bought some shares in a northern steel making company as he kept mentioning Sheffield every time he spoke.

Cameron came across quite statesmanlike, like a premier-in-waiting. No PMQs style anger at Brown which was a pity. I noticed his body language was effectively closing Brown off whenever he spoke. I wonder whether he was briefed not to get angry this time, although it would be great if the final session at the BBC, the subject header being “The Economy”, Cameron will get the green light and let rip into Brown. Now that would be some great entertainment.

Brown. Good grief. He just can’t get enough tractor stats and anti-Tory rhetoric in fast enough. His body language is awful: the glaring at Cameron, the shaking of his head, the constant interruption of Cameron whenever he spoke, his pre-briefed clichéd jokes about Ashcroft, his “I agree with Cleggy” nonsense, the whole Brown package is a liability and Campbell and The Prince of Darkness must be scratching their scales wondering what they can do with this car wreck of a persona.

Overall Cleggy had the most to gain and the boy done good, as predicted by Guido.

Cameron had the most to lose and managed to play safe. Too safe if I had to be honest. Initially he looked a little "rabbit in headlights" but made up for it by the better closing speech. Safe and statesmanlike.

Brown lost that one with a quite dismal, cringe worthy performance. He has a face for radio and a personality for hiding behind a deskful of Nokias. I’m afraid it’s no use the spin doctors saying Brown is serious about issues and prefers to get on with the job: this is the brave new media world where we expect our leaders to be media savvy and friendly and not look like autistic accountants with a severe case of haemorrhoids. It ain’t the 1940’s anymore. This is where the ovine populace will place a cross on the leader that looks and sounds the most like Simon Cowell.

Sad, but true.

Guido's PMQs Live - Highlights

Missed all the banter on Guido's Live PMQs? Can't be arsed to trawl through pages of the windowlicking scribblings of the demented? Want to see the highlights in one easy to digest posting?


Well, welcome to the weekly Guido's PMQs Live - Highlights

Goodbye Gordon Edition

What's For Lunch Carlos?

.243 Win: Carlos MIA for two on the trot. Food poisoning ?

Theresa May Spacesuit Watch

.243 Win: Can you switch May off by saying "Clacton Barrackobama Nicotine" ?

Steve Expat: no spacesuit for Theresa today

Dick Scratcher: Theresa may in cleavage competition with Harperson

Beware of Geeks: Harriet Harman or Theresa cleavage? Only one way to find out....

Hain Pantone Watch

Dick Scratcher: Anyone got a Pantone ref for Brillo's face?

.243 Win: Dick : Appropriately enough Hain's the same colour as the background of the HazChem "Irritant" label...

Steve Expat: What's the difference in pantone between Hain and Blair...

Dick Scratcher: Hain Pantone Reference : 817 (Winton Carrot)

TeatherWatch

Beware of Geeks: Ooooh pixie Teather! Lovely in green - hi ho, hi ho, it's off for a BJ she goes

lord pont: teather looking like the jolly green giant's mutant dwarf sister

Liz: Sarah Teather is a touch Robin Hood today. I wonder if her boots are pointy.

.243 Win: Steve : LimpDum leprechaun - there's definitely a crock at the end of that rainbow.

Here come the Nice: Sarah's Tits are nicely teathered!!

Dodgy Tie of the Week

Beware of Geeks: Tie Watch - MacShane pink vote

BillyBob....: hmmmm lovely tie

.243 Win: ****. My telly just exploded. Who dressed him ?

Claw Watch

.243 Win: Here comes the claw....

Headsonpoles: claw

Beware of Geeks: CLAW!

JULIAN BRAY LET EM AVE IT: THE CLAW IS OUT

John Ward: Claw spotted!

.243 Win: It's claw time...

.243 Win: CLAW II

Labour Parody of the Week

THICK AS THIEVES: DAVID CAMERON LOOKS PISSED

Best Line of the Week

Charles Flaccidwidger: I think I'm going to miss Brown. Probably in the same way that I would miss a weekly visit to a proctologist.

Highlights

Dick Scratcher: Windy Miller latest: “Am glug-glug definitely f-f-f-f-****in voting for that f-f-f-f-****in Cameron Whuuuuargh. Jesus, it’s on me shoes. ****.”

Beware of Geeks: The Last of Broon today?

.243 Win: Gweeks : Doubt it - bugger's more persistent than herpes.

Dick Scratcher: Did that scene outside No. 10 yesterday remind anyone of the US ‘The Apprentice’ – a tit surrounded by sycophants?

Rocking Horse: You can't polish a turd but you can roll it in glitter ...

Old Holborn 4 MP: If I win Cambridge, I'll liven up PMQs alright

Steve Expat: Harperson with the pearl necklace today

Hugh Jardon: saggy shakers...brown not harpie. then again..

Old Holborn 4 MP: eric pickles should have to win two seats, the fat f***

John Ward: Huge beads around Hormone's neck: must be heavy!

.243 Win: NuLab's equivalent to Helen of Troy : It's the face that's shipped a thousand lunches

Mitch: why has Harmen got a string of olives on?

@Mitch - peace offering?

.243 Win: Brown already getting the words "Big Issue" out. How apt.

Old Holborn 4 MP: the boy kelly looks like a hairy FA cup

Dick Scratcher: Mandy wants more choppers (again)

Steve Expat: Blaming everyone but himself again

Dick the Prick: Colonel Toole - made up name?

Dick Scratcher: Lord Bollock-Brown more like

.243 Win: Increased flying time doesn't mean an increase in serviceability.

Phil Bristol: Don't labour look miserable

Lady Completely Gaga: and if the army don't like it they can vote me out....if they can find a ballot box.?

John Ward: Brown the "chopper chopper"!

Dick Scratcher: Can we have the Flintstones back on please? Fred has bigger rocks than Blair II.

markedman: Brown the pension snatcher

Old Holborn 4 MP: fire up the quattro

Dick Scratcher: Jim Murphy needs plugging in the mains for a re-charge

Charles Flaccidwidger: Hugh, anything to say about your Spitfire bonnet and Miss Garroway?

@torybear: "he's probably a tory now, so is half the country" pow. #pmqs

Kim Jong II: I like this Brown person

JULIAN BRAY LET EM AVE IT: TRACTORS AWAY

@torybear: RT @gabyhinsliff: labour frontbench looking like front pew at funeral. tories bushytailed as you like.

Minekiller: 2.5m new jobs…wheelie bin inspectors and litter facsists

Govt-By-Cluster-Fuck: fat bastard asking another fat bastard about hunger

Old Holborn: I hereby solemly promise, that should I be elected, I will personally twat Brown. With the ****ing Mace

JULIAN BRAY LET EM AVE IT: CLIMB EVERY MOUNTAIN FORD EVERY STREAM FOLLOW EVERY HEARTACHE SACK CHARLIE WHEEN..

Titanic: gordon is good at gardening, i'll give him that

Steve Expat: Titanic, is the gardening uphill?

ST: We should have turned this into a drinking game. Whenever the PM says Ashcroft down a shot.

JULIAN BRAY LET EM AVE IT: HARPERSON HAS WRONG BRA ON TODAY GOING LIKE THE POLLS,,,DOWNWARDS

Beware of Geeks: Is Goole a search engine for dyslexics?

JULIAN BRAY LET EM AVE IT: ITS NOT REAL ITS A FABRICANT

John Ward: Better a Fabricant than a Replicant.

Dick Scratcher: Wee Dougie keeps scratching his gonads - does he have crabs? Aberdeen crabs of course...

.243 Win: Mekon in da house.

John Ward: "Gord-hog Day".

Steve Expat: Time to fire up the quattro Dave

Watch: Oscar winning animated short "Logorama"

Logorama from Marc Altshuler - Human Music on Vimeo.

Ein kleiner Witz

This little gem from An Englishman's Castle's archives tickled me:

The first time I saw a German woman, I thought she had Bob Marley in a headlock.

The Times They Are a-Chargin'

From Iain Dales great blog, I hear that the Times has announced they are going to charge £1/day to read their online content.

The business model for paying for content is changing in as much as the same way as the music industry is changing.


People will download songs for free, perhaps like the track and possibly buy the album(s) and pay for the concerts. And they will be exposed to a greater genre of music that they like and the artists will have to play more live gigs to generate revenue. I think this is a good thing and the music industry should leave the old business model behind and capitalise on a new model that allows many more artists and different flavours of music and originality into the market.

It is the same with the MSM: people are viewing free content from many more sources online now and with the introduction of blogs and other online vehicles are starting to see a wider range of opinions and viewpoints. The great thing about this is that people start to discuss issues rather than simply lap up the one-way news that is served to them on a daily basis. Blogs and online content is a two way street – people can discuss, dispute, agree and disagree and show proof or no proof of these matters.

If the MSM chose to charge for their content, then like the music industry, there will be people who will pay for that, but then there will be a growing number of people who won’t and will get their information from elsewhere.

The internet has changed most established business models significantly and irreversibly. Businesses cannot turn back the internet clock.

The broadcast visual media model is changing. Instead of watching a programme under the terms and conditions of the broadcaster (when and where) we now have the ability to record that programme to view later, to view it on a different platform, such as an iPhone and now the ability to watch what we want, when we want and where we want with the advent of such technologies such as IPTV.

A lot of this is free and puts pressure on such business models such as the UK TV licence that has disappeared from other countries such as New Zealand. It does not affect the quality of output per se: if there is a demand and market for content, it will be provided. And more importantly, it reduces the entry costs of being able to start your own broadcasting channels and levels the playing fields – it provide the potential to remove the monopolies.

The payment of this service will shift from licence fee to pay per view or adverts. But with technology, there will always be avenues for disrupting this process: from advert popup blockers to software that can strip the adverts out of pay per view content.

Ultimately, the internet will connect more people together than any industry has been able to do in the past. It will allow information to flow rapidly amongst local people for local issues and will allow the news of international events to be discussed all over the world. Transparency and discussion will prevail through the interconnectivity of the world and it will become more difficult to try and keep a control and monopoly of information while the people around the world can have access to this.

Companies are naturally resorting to traditional methods to protect their business models and monopolies. The internet presents an infrastructure than can provide the greatest tool for freedom that man can have and the potential for the greatest open free market for anyone, anywhere who has an entrepreneurial idea, to have a low cost method of entry and compete in an almost totally free market.

The internet is simply a tool. It can be used for greatness and it can be used for terror, depending on the behaviour of man. But for me, I think it’s the first invention I’ve seen that could literally free the entire world.

 

Sinking Tories Subtle Adverts

The slow decline of the Tory lead in all the polls is quite an unfathomable phenomenon. I mean we all hate this Labour government, Gordon Brown is the most unpopular chancellor and prime minister ever and responsible for the UK’s biggest deficit and is a socially misfit, pathological liar.

So why are the Tories trailing in the polls?

I think we have to get a few points straight before we tackle this. First of all, we as bloggers and readers of political blogs are what we would call “Politically aware”. That is we attempt to read information that is outside of the “message” that is churned out daily by the media and try and make a more informed and balanced opinion on events.

What is this message? It’s often the newspaper leading with a carefully spun line, often from a lobbyist or government minister that has given the carefully crafted snippet of propaganda. This exact same soundbite is given to all media outlets and is broadcasted continually by the BBC for instance, and on the local or national radio as well as newspapers.

These pro-government messages are constantly broadcasted to us on an hourly, sometimes half hourly basis until the next day, when another carefully prepared soundbite from a government team is constructed and given out.

Another form of “message” is the involvement of the country’s biggest advertiser: the government. Now spending more in advertising than P&G. 

How many adverts have you heard on commercial radio this year, especially in the run up to the election, about “tax needn’t be complicated”, “Think!” and “Frank” and others that have promoted government policies via the COI?

Advertising works by repeatedly playing the same message over and over again, often linking it with a product until a familiarity or connection is made in the brain. It is not just brand recognition, but an emotional association with a brand. There may be many brands of soap powder in front of you but what one are you drawn to? Is it the one that washes “whiter than white”, or the one that has been the established and trusted company that appears to share your family values, or is it the most expensive one because that means it’s the best quality product available, or is it the one that has the catchy jingle that is now running through your head?

And so it is with the government messages on the radio, on the TV, in the newspapers, repeating the same thing over and over again.

The subtle little changes the BBC makes:

“Tory MP caught fiddling expenses”
vs
“Government minister suspected in expenses claim issue”

Notice the association of the Tory brand with a negative message versus the vagueness of the second message that doesn’t associated the negativity of the message with any political party?

An trick regularly used by the BBC.

We have had the worst recession since WW II and the first thing that is likely to be cut by companies is their advertising budget. This affects more than just the advertising agencies: commercial radio loses revenue, commercial TV broadcasters lose revenue, newspapers and magazines lose revenue. But then, nice old Mr Government comes along and says: “Hey, don’t worry, we’ll support you in this recession and make sure you don’t go under, we’ve got plenty of taxpayer’s money and we’ll pay you to advertise our policies”.

And so in one easy step, our tax is being used to artificially boost companies profits while at the same time allow the government message to be broadcast to a wider audience.

Take LBC for example. Formally owned by Chrysalis, they were taken over by Global Radio, a large consortium and their advertising slots are now full of government adverts. Their anti-government line has softened over the years but who can blame them?

Imagine if that shouty Mr Ferrari had torn daily into the government incompetence day in day out and suddenly the station’s CEO had a phone call from the government’s PR machine, subtly explaining that in the interests of the radio’s financial longevity, it might be better if a certain Mr Ferrari had a more “balanced” approach.

Imagine if a certain Mr G Osborne had expressed concerns over the governments escalating adspend and said we cannot go on spending like this, there must be cuts. The UK advertising industry would be most concerned at seeing all the potential revenue lost by no longer making all those Global Warming propaganda pieces.

Indeed, so concerned about that, that they would get together and actually tell Mr Osborne that they were extremely concerned. But then the nice Mr Vaizey would say to them all: “Don’t worry, we are looking to increase our spending even more, here have some more cash, not like those nasty Tories”.

So the government now control a large proportion of the media. And those that aren’t in the pocket of the government are not doing well compared to those that are in the recession, so they want a slice of the taxpayers money too and start lobbying for some. Look at the relative safety of the tax payer funded BBC versus ITV who are now struggling.

So it would be quite easy for a government to turn up the anti-Tory rhetoric just before an election, they have the control over the largest propaganda machine in the UK as well as having a large proportion of the working public relying on government funding to pay for those mortgages.

Think about it when you next see the BBC interviewing a Tory versus a Labour official. Count the number interruptions, time how long they are allowed to speak, compare and contrast the aggressive tone of the interviewer.

And you wonder why the Tory lead in the polls is declining? 

Guido's PMQs Live - Highlights

Missed all the banter on Guido's Live PMQs? Can't be arsed to trawl through pages of the windowlicking scribblings of the demented? Want to see the highlights in one easy to digest posting?


Well, welcome to the weekly Guido's PMQs Live - Highlights

Goodbye Darling Edition


What's For Lunch Carlos?

Carlos MIA

Theresa May Spacesuit Watch

.243 Win: May's the Urban Spacebird again...

BristolDave: Hooray, the Helmetless Astronaut is back!

Steve Expat: Theresa May in the spacesuit again...

Dick Scratcher: And so, Theresa May’s back, from outer space. I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face. I should have changed my stupid lock. I should have made you leave your key. If I had known for just one second. You'd be back to bother me…etc.

coco the conspirator: is teresa wearing an action man diving suit?

.243 Win: Dick : "She's the Urban Spacebird baby, but here's the twist : She don't exist". Apologies to the Bonzo Dog band...

The IMF is coming: Theresa off diving later

@paulwaugh: Theresa May laughing so much at GB that her star trek outfit looked like it was going to beam itself up

Tory Tittle Tattler: how much longer are we going to have to wait before theresa may gets rid of that awful star trek jacket!

@niallpaterson: Tory frontbench sitting in silence. Probably as dumb-struck as i am by Theresa May's jacket.

Hain Pantone Watch

Dick Scratcher: Hain Pantone Reference : 811 (neon pumpkin)

Dodgy Tie of the Week

BristolDave: God almighty, where did that tie come from?

Bristol Dave : The 70's

Star Trek Watch

.243 Win: Malik being this weeks token Ferrangi.

Claw Watch

.243 Win: The CLAW !!!!

Beware of Geeks: Claw watch!

Labour Parody of the Week

Geraldine Dreadful MP: This budget will hopefully reinstate the milk taken away from our kids by the hated Margaret Thatcher

Best Line of the Week

hugh: i got a taxi back from the pub last night - 5 grand!

Highlights

@torybear: Nice taxpayer funded helicopter for Darling's wake

Roger Thornhill: A Flatulence Fart For All

Dick Scratcher: Stephen Byers latest: I had that Rosie Winterton in the back of my cab last week. It was a threesome with John Prescott.

.243 Win: Christ on a bike. Smiffy can always find work as the model for the next "Chucky" movie.

Beware of Geeks: Hang on a minute, he's now saying it has gone up again? Have I had a Flash Forward?

Dick Scratcher: Mountford : I wouldn't touch her with yours

BristolDave: Look at Brown's hand waving! Ooh Ducky!

Dick Scratcher: Sarah Brown getting bullying lessons from Naomi Campbell

RantinRab: He sent our gold in a big pre paid envelope

Urban Tory: I must say, I am going to miss those eyebrows from the front bench

BristolDave: Urban Tory: You may not have to miss them, I'm sure he'll rent them out to someone else

Tom FD: he likes to present himself as Mister Trans-pear-ant

Steve Expat: nokias doing their pre-flight checks already

Tom FD: I had that Stephen Byers in my cab and he was driving it

BristolDave: I was in a cab and it was Stephen Byers

Roger Thornhill: Yvette has the smallest head in the HoC

.243 Win: Kemp : Frankinstein had a bad day with that one...

Spank Sinatra: It's Mr Potato Head

@niallpaterson: Brown clearly not happy today. Arms crossed when listening to Cameron, and what my gran would call "a face like fizz"

John Ward: Ranks, certainly. There's a rank stench, and Byers is in a taxi-rank.

BristolDave: "Let me thank my honourable friend for that planted question"

Another Engineer: Zero emissions? Where the hell does the electricity come from you muppet?

Bill Quango mp: While Prescott lives we will never get zero emissions.

RantinRab: It's to be called the Nissan Tw@t.

mort: gawd gorgon is boiling, hope his head explodes

spotty: the new 'leaf 'car. A free calendar to check your acceleration

Geraldine Dreadful MP: I can't get a taxi anywhere now Byers raised the going rate to five grand.

Old Holborn: the most corrupt parliament in living memory

Vladikavkaz: I burnt my toast this morning, Ashcrofts fault

Taxi Driver for hire: £5k a day

Rog: Who IS that swarthy homunculus a few seats to Brown's left? Some sort of ethnic Oompah Loompah?

Geraldine Dreadful MP: I think John Bercow is fabulous. But then I thought he was a janitor.

Beware of Geeks: Brown is comparing New York Apples with English pears

Hugh Jardon: nodding her head like a £100.00 /hr prozzy

Old Holborn: Labour wants to touch your children

Nick2: Sure Start? Didn't Smackney Council close one as it was 'too middle class'?

.243 Win: Someone tell Loch Ness it's monster is missing..

Roger Thornhill: Just because Socialism is legal, does not mean it is safe

Legally Retarded: I'm surprised Bell doesn't just run down and suck him off...

@torybear: Gordon events new drug "methoderdrown"

Roger Thornhill: Gordon puts the N in Cuts.

dr. sipp: i never got my free plastic toy in my sugar puffs cereal ---im blaming ashcroft

Beware of Geeks: Question to the Prime Minister: "What is the square root of 16,433?" Answer from the Prime Mentalist: "Lord Ashcroft"

Vladikavkaz: the square root of 16433 was only 128 in 1997, but we have increased this by 50% in real terms to 192.

Dick Robinson: lord ashcroft production has risen by 20%

Bill Quango mp: Breaking News ***Chancellor takes two bottles of scotch to the Budget**** Means spirits going up or he needs a lot of false courage