Blogging Pit

Being a total uber-geek means that I already have a great excuse in buying outrageous pieces of computer kit!

At the business end of my "blogging pit" I have what is commonly referred to as the "tanning salon" - four 24" Dell monitors (one not shown) which means I can pretend I'm Tom Cruise in Minority Report and move windows around all four screens.

Most blogs displayed on the screen award?

Man Widdecombe, Dick Puddlecote, Anna Raccoon, Guido, LegIron and John Ward.

The power to the office is on a separate circuit from the rest of the house and is backed up by an APC UPS which gives enough power for 1 hours worth of World of Warcraft or 2 hours worth of development during a power cut.

There's an air-cooled cabinet containing 4 servers, a Draytek commercial duty firewall, CAT 6 cabling, various wireless peripherals, laser printer/scanner/fax, business ADSL and 10Tb worth of RAID storage - enough for the most depraved amateur porn aficionado.

Music to the office is streamed on the house network via the Popcorn Hour NMT.

I have no life... :)

Happy New Year to you all!

Terribly sorry...

...but work is commanding far more time than I can manage right now.

I missed Guido's PMQs and am unable to make time for the highlights.

Normal service will be resumed after Christmas.

Guido's PMQs Live - Football Edition

Thanks to Guido for hosting today's LiveChat where the window lickers gather for Wednesday's PMQs.


Once again big thanks to Dick Scratcher for Pantone Watch - this time a Hain Pantone Reference : 814D (Snowman’s Nose) !

Labour Parody of the Week goes to Kim Jong-Il with

Ed grows in stature with every PMQ's. He ran Cameron ragged today. Cameron looked rather amateur

Top line has to go to Cameron today with a much better performance than last time:

Rather be a child of Thatcher, than a son of Brown

Here are the highights:

Spank Sinatra: See Ed has still got bird sh** on his head

Tuscan Tony: Morning Chakrabati-lickers.

John Ward: "To infantility (i.e. New Labour) and beyond!"

StretchMarx: Harman wearing the remains of last nights Moules a la Mariniere round her neck

John Ward: Who's this lady "Rosie Scenario"?

Dick Scratcher: Harperson = where the postman likes to empty his sack

Dick Scratcher: People listening on Radio 5 have been phoning in, asking why the elephant man is asking questions.

Guido Fawkes: "Rather be a child of Thatcher, than a son of Brown" killer.

Dick Scratcher: Calm down! Calm down!

Spank Sinatra: Hub cap thief

Dick Scratcher: Yiddipudlian

Praguetory: Scouse comics are out of fashion aren't they?

Dick Scratcher: Mandy likes Olympic rings

Urban Tory: Is it me or has Hague got a bit of a Liberace tie on?

no longer anonymous: paisley is a time lord, he has re-generated

Sres: Son of Bwian!

Dorian Smith: Twitter twats are 5 mins behind FFS>>>>> some of the labour ones are still in the 70's

Spank Sinatra: Another bad advert for wigs

John Ward: "Reddish"? Ideal name for a Labour constituency ;-)

Beware of Geeks: Waking the Dead. One letter away from being the most controversial show on TV.

Tuscan Tony: Wan't thrombosis an early Pink Floyd album?

John Ward: I have safe sacks -- they never split whether for waste or recyclables.

Steve Miliband: Buzz Lightweight just turned into Buzz microlight

Guido's PMQs LiveChat: Miliback Edition

Thanks to Guido for hosting today's LiveChat where the window lickers gather for Wednesday's PMQs.

Apologies for the delay, fellow WindowLickers - unfortunately work commitments reared their ugly head again.

Once again big thanks to Dick Scratcher for Pantone Watch - this time a Hain Pantone Reference : 815A (Spaghettied Baby) !

John Ward wins the Best Line of the Day with:

"He's a real nowhere man, sitting in his Labour land, making all his no-good plans, for Socialists"...

Here are the highlights:

Dick Scratcher-Tebbitite: Houston…we have an arse hole

Billybob: Egg Milibund

Beware of Geeks: I've just made a 3D porn movie - that's one in the eye for the censors.

Dick Scratcher-Tebbitite: f*** off Vicks Sinex

Urban Tory: as if Ed is going on about sport, he was always picked last

Sarf of the River: Clegg affecting a rather smug bastard look

Dick Scratcher-Tebbitite: Red Ed = Adenoid android

Beware of Geeks: My ginger neighbour brought a hot bird home last night. Or Nando's as it's better known.

torybear: RT @joncraig: Theresa May has just poured the PM a glass of water. How loyal is that?Allo, allo! I will say zis only once!

John Ward: Blankety-blank page in Labour's policy eh? Wogan would be proud...

Billybob: Sweaty sock again !!

TimMontgomerie: Ken Clarke looking smug behind Cameron as the PM is asked by Bill Cash why govt hasn't repatriated powers from EU

John Ward: Yes, Ed's back - which is far less unattractive than Ed's front!

Sarf of the River: is my telly on the blink, it's gone all hithy

John Ward: The biggest bust? Is that the Maggie Thatcher one in CCHQ?

Rog: Is Ed actually transgendering as we watch? His voice is the giveaway.

John Ward: "He's a real nowhere man, sitting in his Labour land, making all his no-good plans, for Socialists"...

Dick Scratcher: LATEST: Al Megrahi’s penile warts have just died.

Dorian Smith: hattie's got a great moustache

Urban Tory: where does Vaz sit now?

Beware of Geeks: @Urban Tory - in a pot of Vaz-oline

Dick Scratcher: Berger - ding dong

Hugh Jardon: how much would you like to jizz all over her shakers??

Tuscan Tony: Bring Nigeria into the EU, send the British workshy there

Urban Tory: Liz Truss woof woof

Dick Scratcher: Liz Truss wants it this aft - on the desk

BBC In Need

I see from Grumpy Old Twat's stonking blog that the Beeb's hand-washingly cringing Children In Need is back and in an orgy of pandering to their sacred gods Politicus and Correcticus, they have spawned another obsequious looking idol for worship - a girl bear called Blush. And she's not yellow. No siree, she's a brown bear so we can all hold hands and celebrate our new found friend, in the name of allah diversity.

Well, to continue in that theme and to offer, royalty free, a further boost to their franchise, your humble Geeks presents the following to the BBC: Talibear!

Guido's PMQs LiveChat: Harman AGAIN Edition

Thanks to Guido for hosting today's LiveChat where the window lickers gather for Wednesday's PMQs. Another dull one again today with the Labour second-in-command, Harman sparring with Dave.  I say sparring, having been briefed by Ed Balls to use up all her questions on an attack over police cuts.

No Pantone reference today although Dick Scratcher, Tuscan Tony, John Ward and JULIAN BRAY ROYAL RANTZ noticed that Harman's Giraffe Skin Safari Suit is back.

Disco Biscuit and Guido spotted Gordon Henderson's bad choice of attire: a clashing yellow tie on a dark blue shirt while Urban Tory inquired whether Clegg's green tie was bought from the House of Commons shop?

Worst Pun of the Week award goes to John Ward with:

Is he offering a breath of fresh Ayr?

Here are the highlights:

Dick Scratcher: Is Red Ed a panda that CMD brought back from China?

Steve Miliband: You're so vain, you probably think this PMQ's is about you...

Beware of Geeks: Can I be the first to say: Kate Middleton, the first person to squeeze into Princess Diana's ring since Dodi Al Fayed.

Steve Miliband: Kate Middleclasston

Beware of Geeks: If I were Kate Middleton I'd take that bloody ring to Mount Doom.

Dick Scratcher: Alan Johnston doing Old Man Steptoe impression

Headsonpoles: Harperson starting to go up a few octaves - dolphins of the world beware

frig: "she sounds like a schoolmistress now" that makes me horny

Urban Tory: She is out of her depth, leave PMQs to the Men luv

Dick Scratcher: F*** off you frying pan faced hag

John Ward: Alan Johnson: from postman to Home Sec to Shadow Chancellor...

Tom FD: maybe there should be a Brillo-in-PMQs drinking game

torybear: Notice Dave has started taking notes to PMQs. Didn't used to

Dick Scratcher: Mandy likes night sticks

the last quango in paris: a lot of grey hair on the labour front bench

Sarf of the River: is the beast of bolsover letting one out silently?

Having a Giraffe Harman: Put a load of IT Geeks in Riot Gear and give them Tazers. Brill !!

Mitch and Murray: I want YAB to commit adultery in front of an Iranian crowd

Llew: Wind your neck back in Harpie, just because you look like one....

Dick Scratcher: New police commisioners: "Squeal like a pig fat boy"

Rats arse: Look at the Labour front bench - faces like smacked arses

Secret Lemonade Drinker: Bercow, shut up, you jumped up little dwarf.

guidofawkes: Chamber just went "whoooooo" taking the mick out of Squeaker slapping down next questioner. Did Bercow get out of the bed on the wrong side?

Headsonpoles: Which dwarf is Bercow playing in pantomime this year?

Dick Scratcher: Short money = Bercow's salary

Disco Biscuit: Who is the little midget who keeps standing up and shouting at people?

Emily Maitlis: I'm now so old my pussy is haunted.

Tuscan Tony: Priti good.

John Ward: Is he offering a breath of fresh Ayr?

Sarf of the River: Coulson should tell Dave he needs some botox

Beware of Geeks: Apparently its not the weather thats caused the flooding in Cornwall. Big Kat Slater's waters have broken, thats all.

John Ward: I suspect Sally Bercow has been working on the Speaker this morning, or perhaps yesterday evening.

Dick the Prick: Stretchy midwives?

Dick Scratcher: That's not all thats stretched to breaking point...

Dick Scratcher: LATEST: Al Megrahi’s knob cheese has just died.

Dick Scratcher: Jordan = new silicon valley

the last quango in paris: bloody hell is there not a mobile hairdresser who can go around labour hq?

Dick Scratcher: Ken Clarke "Mmmm soldiers...with a bit of pepper"

Dick the Prick: Which bogs does Angela Eagle use?

Tuscan Tony: DtP: Angela uses a bush.

John Ward: Tony Lloyd's hair shows he's been playing with a Van der Graaf generator...

TheAngloSaxon: "CARRY ON BERCOW"

Tuscan Tony: Wasn't Tony Lloyd married to Chris Evert a while back?

John Ward: Prescott-land is Hull on earth!

Guido's PMQs LiveChat: Harman Again Edition

Thanks to Guido for hosting today's LiveChat where the window lickers gather for Wednesday's PMQs. Another dull one again today with the second-in-commands, Harman getting the advantage with the reneging on the tutition deal by the LibDems but Cleggy found his voice and fought back towards the end.  A total of 12 questions were directed by Labour MPs to Clegg about the tuition fees - initially an effective attack but by the end it was as stale as one of MacMental's deliveries.

No Pantone reference today although Dorian Smith and who you gonna call? PORKB both noticed that Bercow's tie was "a disgrace" and "a tie from hell".  ChristianJMay maintained the tie theme and rebuked the antagonistic Bercow by saying "I'll tell you what the public disapprove of, Bercow, THAT tie".

Best Line of the Week goes to newcomer ChristianJMay with a comment on the unusual "danglers" (as John Ward said) surrounding Harman's neck:

What's that thing round Harman's neck? Looks like she fell into a box of Xmas decorations

An additional mention and a proposed new category: Worst Pun of the Week goes to John Ward for:

John Ward: Gavin isn't one of the "movers and Shukers", clearly!

 
Here are the highlights:
 
Guido Fawkes: Morning Windowlickers

Hugh Jardon: I prefer tuppence licking..

Spank Sinatra: Tongues out & bottoms up etc

Beware of Geeks: Lick lick lick lick lick lick lick.... mmmmm this Windows 7 is tasty

Spank Sinatra: Morning Geeky - you've found my hard disk?

Beware of Geeks: I've just formatted it with my tongue - should be better now

Dick Scratcher: Harman in Wonderbra again

John Ward: I still miss the giraffe outfit...

Spank Sinatra: Not more anal beads ffs!

Billy Blofeld: Will Dromey be waving his order papers at her every utterance?

Beware of Geeks: Lot's of clicking on the iPlayer - anyone else getting that, or is it simply Harman's lizard tail striking the benches?

ChristianJMay: What's that thing round Harman's neck? Looks like she fell into a box of Xmas decorations

Dick Scratcher: Shut up you moon faced cow - just cos you dropped your knickers for Dromey

C4politics: Harman joke - we all know that in Freshers Week you meet a dodgy bloke and you do things you regret - comparing the coalition

Dick Scratcher: Ken Clarke has eaten Eric Pickles

William Hague: I'm wearing the yellow silk tie that Chris gave me

Sres: Don't make Clegg angry, you won't like him when he's angry

Beware of Geeks: I'd like to see Harman in a bikini to be honest - does that make me a possible recipient for medical care in the community?

Dick the Prick: @BoG - yes, ofcourse

John Ward: I am still trying to work out what those danglers are around Harman's neck. Even in close-up I can't see what they are, except weird!

John Ward: Perhaps next time, perhaps in early December, Harman's Xmas decorations necklace with include flashing mutli-coloured lights...

Dick Scratcher: Jack Dromey likes a sausage sandwich...don't blame him really looking at those

Dick Scratcher: Mmmm...dumping on students...mmmmm.

Dick Scratcher: Hammond doing his Rolf Harris sketch

Gordon Brown: Buy my book Beyond the Crash at all good book stores for Xmas. Read it and weep. It's the right thing to do.

Yardarm: Hague not in China because Cameron worried about sharing a hotel room with him.

Hugh Jardon: um bongo anyone?

Dick the Prick: @HJ - hee hee

Dick Scratcher: G Young has just finished painting the Cistine Chapel

Beware of Geeks: What is it with the mention of Sheffield Forgemasters all the time?

jack: "What is it with the mention of Sheffield Forgemasters all the time? " She loves a good hammering.

Spank Sinatra: Oooh - a mullet

Beware of Geeks: I won't take advice from a mullet

Billy Blofeld: Ha! Ha! @Beware of Geeks

Dick Scratcher: Shat it you slag! Is your dog as fit as a Butcher's Dog?

John Ward: Gavin isn't one of the "movers and Shukers", clearly!

Urban Tory: John, i would say you're better than that but i think i know better

John Ward: Ollie Ensure?

Dazza: Ollie Unsure?

Spank Sinatra: She practiced that with her knees behind her ears last night

Gordon Brown: Buy my book Beyond the Crash at all good bookstores.

Dick Scratcher: Farron's suit too big - mummy bought one he can grow in to

Dick Scratcher: Ephalump AGAIN

Spank Sinatra: She needs a barn

Hugh Jardon: it's a big 'un

John Ward: Has my TV switched aspect ratio?

Dick the Prick: Could camp out in her beef handbags

Billy Bowden: How many obese MPS are there ?????

John Ward: "Blenkinsop"? Good name for a Geordie - not!

Spank Sinatra: Nasty piece of work

genghiz the kahn: Prime minister's question time was brought to you by NUS monkeys.

Sres: That's one flat face

John Ward: Reminds me of the CGI Incredible Hulk's head, apart from not being green-coloured!

If only Dragon's Den was really like this!

Guido's PMQs LiveChat: Entente Cordiale Edition

Thanks to Guido for hosting today's LiveChat where the window lickers gather for Wednesday's PMQs. Another dull one today with Dave getting a bit of a kicking from Red Ed with his private photographer gaff, which as Guido correctly tweeted, should have come out of CCHQ's budget.

Still, Red Ed was adenoidally challenged again, hee-hawing like a mule and Dave fought back a bit.

No Labour Parody Of The Week, Dick Scratcher gave Hain Pantone Reference of 817C (Syphiloid Bronze), Tiewatcher showed Peter Aldous leading on the ties so far but not much competition and Harmann was sporting a Ribena look today.

Bride of Chucky Doll Of The Week was the disgraced houseflipper Hazel Blears and according to Ollie Cromwell "Harriet's Ginger Rodent jibe at Danny Alexander must have hit Hazel hard" because she seemed to have adopted that dark crimson, tight curled Labour feminist look again.

The Best Line Of The Week goes to JULIAN BRAY GERCHA! with a topical:

Why is Mr Orange wearing a poppy? Wasn't he one of the Boers?

Guido signed off with a rather cryptic "In case I don't see you, good afternoon, good evening and goodnight". Let's hope it's another Wednesday drinkathon and not a Dr Kelly moment.

Here are the highlights - enjoy:


Daisy May: Is Harriet's Poppy big enough?

Dick Scratcher: Who's Nailin Pailin?

Alex in SW6: one lump or two out of Obama?

Billy Blofeld: Hain's orangeness makes his poppy look pale

John Ward: Updated name for Yemen: "Yo Man!"

Dick the Prick: Kids should just claim bankruptcy after college

gengiz the kahn: westoring twust in hith government.

gengiz the kahn: theffield, eathleigh

Dorian Smith: Does Ed have a cupboard full of purple ties, other colours are available you know

Secret Lemonade Drinker: What's Dave using, these days, to slicken his coiffure?

Beware of Geeks: Miliband-wagon - hehe

JULIAN BRAY GERCHA!: Why is Mr orange wearing a poppy? wasn't he one of the boars?

John Ward: Wee Dougie doesn't look very happy...

Dick the Prick: @JW - he's seen his sister

JULIAN BRAY GERCHA!: oooooh hand millibags....

gengiz the kahn: wealease wouldoff the wed nosed weigndeer.

JULIAN BRAY GERCHA!: cheese eating surrender monkey special

Rog: Dougie looks like a big pixie stole his fishing rod.

torybear: And a classic back from DC "spending less on replacing mobile phones at No10" Great cracks today from both sides

Old Holborn: If any more Bengali students feel the need to "get stabby" may I recommend Hazel Blears first?

Ghost of Greg Stone: Thought he preferred a wriggling boys club

Jolly Roger: Bring back Gordon. PMQs is no longer fun. Just plain boring.

gengiz the kahn: ginger rodent - salford sub species

Beware of Geeks: Christ on a ginger bike! Why has she reverted to early 90's ginger hairstyle!?!?!?!?!?

Old Holborn: she borrowed Charlie Chaplins hair

Ollie Cromwell: Harriets Ginger Rodent jibe at Danny Alexander must have hit Hazel hard

Old Holborn: Ikea want those curtains back

concrete pump: Blears is worried her hair doesn't match her minge anymore...

Secret Lemonade Drinker: Excellent. An immigration question.

Albania: **** off, we are here now

no longer anonymous: albania - can you wash my car for me?

Precious Umbongo: I am staying bwana

Bengali Student: I KIIIILLLLLL YOU!!!

Beware of Geeks: My ex has let herself go

Dick the Prick: @BoG - beggars can't be choosers

elsie tanner: In a prism, you can see all the colours of the rectum.

Dick Scratcher: Is it because I is back (bencher)

Dick Scratcher: He needs a good meal - battered Mars bar anyone?

Tom FD: deficit deniers, responsibility deniers

JULIAN BRAY GERCHA!: went to bbc studio to talk on security - driver was from Kashmir...

gengiz the kahn: red emma mP for bejing central.

Spank Sinatra: God - it's milly molly mandy again

Billy Blofeld: Andy Pandy with a minge more like..........

Dick Scratcher: Is Bagpuss dead?

no longer anonymous: bagpuss will never die

13eastie: CHippy geordie. Kev Maguire's dad?

torybear: Finally someone raises the disgusting rights to votes for prisoners. DC: "it makes me physically ill"

John Ward: I also agree! We need to stand up to the EU, and if necessary withdraw altogether.

Billy Blofeld: Buggering Schools For the Future.. it sounded like he said that anyway...

Beware of Geeks: Bercow: "I have a short statement to make" - I should say so

Jolly Roger: this mess left by Labour, is this why Sam cam had to makeover number 10 before she would move in?

Total Nutter Sparky

My favourite parrot!

Guido's PMQs LiveChat: Growth Week Edition

Thanks to Guido for hosting today's LiveChat where the window lickers gather for Wednesday's PMQs.  Bit of a dull one today with a few of the familiar plants coming from the Conservatives in much the same way as they did with Labour.

A brief Labour Parody of the Week from MARTIN DAY with: "SOMEONE PUT DAVID CAMERON OUT OF MISERY" which was a grammatically challenged putdown, as to be expected with Labour "prizes and consequently ignorance for all" education over the last 13 years or so.

The best line of the week returns to John Ward with a topical mention of an observation of the delectable Ms Berger:

"Lucy Arner is obvious the exception that proves the rule about Labour females being ugly."

Here are the highlights:-

Beware of Geeks: Morning Guido, morning fellow window lickers! Another PMQs, another set of Labour denials

Beware of Geeks: I can say with some sense of certainty that drinking homemade cherry brandy until 02:00am gives you a cracking hangover that only a midday vodka and tonic can cure!

Guido Fawkes: as does going out for lunch yesterday drinking through till four am

Labour bankrupted the UK: My tax bill is experiencing growth thanks to Labour.

Hugh Jardon: mr speaker..can I start by blowing my bloody nose. FFS!!

Beware of Geeks: Set nostrils to bunged Mr Sulu

Unemployed Tory: Ed Miliband needs Just For Men, it looks like he has a bird shit in his head

Dorian Smith: This week's Labour Trolls sponsored by RMT

Tuscan Tony: IS Ed wearing Sir Les Patterson'as teeth?

Dick the Prick: Get a f**king job?

Billy Bowden: Get a f**king job !!!!!!!

Billy Bowden: Snap Dick lol

Dick the Prick: Great minds Billy

Billy Bowden: Wouldnt go that far Dick lol

Urban Tory: Ed is poo

Tuscan Tony: Urban, is he a friend of Mark Oaten's?

Praguetory: Clegg's a 30 woman man.

ali: being questioned by Ed must be like being savaged by a sheep: unexpected and ultimately hilarious

John Ward: Munt is four-fifths of a Mount...

Tuscan Tony: Tessa and the Munters.

Spank Sinatra: Pickles set to explode

Beware of Geeks: Has Pickles got his own gravity field?

Tuscan Tony: Kate looks increasingly like Kevin Keegan

John Ward: Typical SNP SNIPing...

Dazza: I'm in Wales this week... should I worry?

Dr Bombastic: i'm in hospital this week - should I worry?????

Beware of Geeks: I'd like to see Luciana's burger

Tuscan Tony: Cheese or bacon BoG?

Dick the Prick: @BoG - Nicely roasted

Beware of Geeks: How can someone that beautiful (after a large vodka) be a Labour bod? Nature has some explaining

John Ward: Lucy Arner is obvious the exception that proves the rule about Labour females being ugly.

Praguetory: Luciana will have to provide relief for geeks herself

Nick2: Modest Nestegg? Liver damage on their 18th birthday, more like.

Tuscan Tony: What's she smuggling in that skirt?

John Ward: None eaten? I've eaten, just before PMQs!

Urban Tory: not everyone is as well preped as you John

Dick the Prick: @JW - yellow card

Spank Sinatra: She's just been shagged in the toilets [Emma Reynolds]

Brown got us Here!: Flelloatio!!

Tuscan Tony: Is Flellow his real name?

BillyBob.: she has eaten all the pies in Gateshead !!

John Ward: That jacket reminds me of some front garden paths...

Praguetory: What's she wearing - a harpoon

Dick the Prick: Whoa - step away from the pie

BillyBob.: she is using her full meal allowance methinks

Beware of Geeks: @BillyBob, and probably some of Prescott's emergency funds

Beware of Geeks: Bercow: "I have a short statement to make: my wife's a goer

Tuscan Tony: Hardly news Bog.

Guido's PMQs LiveChat: Axe Wednesday Edition

Thanks to Guido for hosting today's LiveChat where the window lickers gather for Wednesday's PMQs.  Red Ed starts to fluster in a remarkably similar way to MacMental: lots of "m-m-m-m-m-mr speaker" stuff and that dreadful nasal whining is starting to grate.  Dave was on good form, better than the other week but still lacks the "car crash PMQs" we've missed with the stammering, brooding MacMental.

Carlos is still MIA, Harman wasn't wearing her Giraffe Suit again and Dick Scratcher gave the very important Hain Pantone Reference: 819E (Tango Ember).

Looks like Red Ed was the winner in the Dodgy Tie of the Week.  Billy Blofeld said: "Tie error by Miliband. Gone for violet rather than regal purple".

Our Labour Parody of the Week was newbie Jimmy Jobby who said: "THE PUBLIC SECTOR IS THE ENGINE OF THE RECOVERY, OSBORNE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND THIS".  Well Jimmy, us business owners can assure you with that attitude the UK economy and any potential employees are completely safe as you have absolutely no idea how wealth creation works and would be incapable of running a business.

Best Line of the Week goes to Sarf of the River with a topical comment on an MP who looked remarkably like Mama Cass: 

She could do with a massive cut to her diet

Here's the rest of the highlights- enjoy!



Mitch: Looking forward to advice on tightening our belts from the millionaire chancellor


Trinny: BBC has a helicopter up to cover cuts. No concept of the word irony

Sarf of the River: I'm wetting my underwear here. I can't contain my excitement for much longer.

Dick Scratcher: I’d like to fill Laura K’s chamber.

John Ward: BBC camera direction "cut to the Bone!"

Billy Blofeld: Mithter, mithter speaker.....

Dick Scratcher: Birds**t Milliband Sponsored by Vicks Sinex Nasal Spray.

Roger Thornhill: "The Miliband Streak"

ChristianJMay: Oh dear, Ed Miliband is really struggling here. Plus he has Tip-Ex in his hair...

guidofawkes: Did Cast Iron Dave just say he'd freeze payments to the EU for 7 years?

Sarf of the River: The case about EU funding doesn't have to be made across Europe, it can be made in 5 minutes from Westminster. WTF are you on Dave?

Beware of Geeks: Red Ed does need to get that beak sorted

Billy Blofeld: Hush Puppy - crap joke. Miliband is losing it.....

torybear: Is he.. is he.. is he saying.. is he.. is he.. is he..

John Ward: Izzy? Izzy?

Steve Miliband: Bird s**ts on Shadow PM's hairs shock

joncraig: Great gag from Ed Miliband on Clarke part of "squeezed middle". Good gag from Cameron too about Ken having "bottom". Lively start!

Dick Scratcher: Pickles eating cow pie again.

Dorian Smith: Ed Milliband the master of student politics

Dick Scratcher: Ozzy learning his lines - all white & powdery

Roger Thornhill: Reminds me of Pit the Younger from Bladder II - Dish and Dishonesty

Urban Tory: Is it wrong that I am enjoying watching Ed die live on TV?

Dick Scratcher: Alan Johnson - fried egg eyes

Labour bankrupted the UK: Has Ed been taking lessons from Gordon for PMQs?

Dorian Smith: Today's Labour trolls are sponsored by Unite and The Union Modernisation Fund

John Ward: Yes, Dorian: the pink dinosaurs in the Unions :-)

politicshomeuk: Cameron: "I know it is a novel concept... but in this government the prime minister and the chancellor speak to each other"

Sofamonkey: Ed's ineptitude is difficult to watch, proper car crash TV

JULIAN BRAY sale edition: Can't wait Harrier Pilots being signed up by Ryanair... last question ...wasted so far

Unemployed Tory: PMQ's is sponsored by Top Gun today

Dick the Prick: UT - Iceman!

Unemployed Tory: I weeeeent tooooooo the Daaaaanger Zone

Public School Whipping: Enjoy the 15 years of opposition guys. You picked a real winner. For the Tories!!

Down with Brown!: Milliband couldn't have been much worse if he set himself on fire.

iaindale: So go on, my lefty friends, tell me now that Ed Miliband came out on top this week. Don't make me laugh

Dick Scratcher: FYI Rosie Winterton will be shagging Two Jags this aft in car park.

Dick Scratcher: Niallpaterson reminds me of that Gestapo officer in Where Eagles Dare.

Rats arse: Why are all Labour women so ugly?

Down with Brown!: Ed Milliband = Ed Moribund.

Sarf of the River: She could do with a massive cut to her diet

Beware of Geeks: I see the Mamas and Papas are still going

JULIAN BRAY sale edition: chilean mine shaft opening under ed miliband after todays performance....

Beware of Geeks: Tom Watson - who gorged all the pies?

Urban Tory: its two seats watson

Praguetory: Should Tom Watson employ his family?

Beware of Geeks: Should Tom Watson's family be protected from being gorged by the pie monster himself?

Roger Thornhill: Render TomW to lard and power a small town in Lincolnshire

John Ward: Tom Watson second only to Pickles in the girth measurement dept.

Billy Blofeld: Unemployment of Diversity Officers is a price worth paying

Beware of Geeks: You cannot attack a plan if you don't have a plan - quite right - liebour are an irrelevence

Dick Scratcher: Twigg seems like a nice boy

Praguetory: Twigg looks a bit like our generous host.

Urban Tory: I've never seen Guido and Twigg in the same room, hmmm

Brown got us Here!: Twigg lives at Albert Cock

JULIAN BRAY sale edition: Send in the Hoons.......

Dick the Prick: Faabricant looking bouffant

Hugh Jazz: the bbc have the knives out today- its like they're watching a different pmqs!

Beware of Geeks: I'm jealous of Selous's good looks

Billy Blofeld: Paul Whicker the Tall Vicar - an old Viz character - seems to be an MP now

Dick Scratcher: Glenoglaza = Italian window shine

More BBC bias

From the Spectator's Coffeehouse:

The MSM reporting of the cuts has been near-hysterical at times, and woefully lacking in any sense of balance. The BBC, in particular, has no excuse: it has an economics team and a mandate to be a public service broadcaster. Why did it make no mention of the other side of this coin? Is there a D-Notice on good economic news that we haven’t been told about?

Fraser Nelson

TV Licence

A post I did on Corrugated Soundbite's great blog:

I cancelled the telly tax sometime ago – I hardly watched TV as most of the stuff was abysmal, such as X-factor, Strictly Come Lap Dancing and other panem et circenses programs. As for the news, it was either sensationalised trivia, celebrity worship or in the case of the BBC, outright bias which had me reaching for the bendroflumethiazide.

If there are any programs I want to watch I either watch on demand or rent/buy the bluray DVDs. Being a geek, I have networked, using CAT6 cabling, the entire house and can stream media to any TV or PC in the house using NMTs.

Life is much better without TV, it’s more fulfilled and hours of your life are not simply wasted in silence watching angry soaps full of cliché repeating, angry chav-like actors. I like spending time reading debates on blogs, selecting online news from different countries for a wider perspective. Suddenly, news becomes more of a discussion than a one way stream of propaganda. It’s quite liberating.

Cancelling the licence is simple: one phone call, one cancelled direct debit, tear up the letters as they arrive and most importantly: one notice of “implied right of access denied for the following companies: Capita, TV Licensing and the BBC”.

The TV Licensing guy that eventually turned up at my place walked up my drive, read the notice, scratched his head, made a call on his mobile and went away, never to be seen again. And the letters suddenly stopped.

I know most people think you need a TV licence if you own a TV. That’s wrong, it’s any device used to receive live broadcast. You can use a laptop or a TV to view DVDs or other streamable material.

I know most people are worried that they may be caught. Put a notice up and ignore the TV Licence guys – they’re a private company and you can deny them right of access to your property. They are the ones infringing the law if they come up to your property.

They must obtain a warrant to enter your premises but they need to show the court proof that the occupier is watching live broadcast – this is an expensive route and if they have deceived the court in any way, they can be in big, big trouble both as an individual and a company. That is why warrants are extremely rare.

There are also no TV detector vans to catch you – they cross check their licence database with the address. The TV detector vans are empty hoaxes. No one to date has been prosecuted using a TV detector. Because they don’t exist, although the technology is feasible, it is cheaper for Capita to use the database and employ empty threats.

And there's absolutely no way they could stop me from watching live broadcasts using software on my PC using my network, should I choose to.

Like New Zealand, the licence fee will go eventually - it needs a critical mass of people to be aware of the above and then the cost of defending the licence fee becomes too great.

So, come on people, let's do it!

One for the Ladies

h/t Man Widdicombe

"Beyond the Crash" - a fantasy by Gordon McRuin

I see McMental's Hairy Potter and the one-eyed Prince fantasy novel is out on the amazon website for a bargain bucket price of £11.99.  I was about to close the browser in disinterest whereupon I spied some of the tag descriptions - hilarious - similar to the ones associated with Dolly Draper's novel.

Some of the highlights:

beware flying nokias
pissed the economy up the wall snotgobbler
sold gold at rockbottom price
worst prime minister ever
married to a beard
a rise of 0 percent
it started in america - honest
charisma bypass abolished boom and bust
rocking horse
nostril miner
i agree with nick
famous sociopaths
sad scotch hoon

Virtual Insanity

The Sun

I think this is quite a good idea, if not a little creepy.  Turning boarded up outlets and empty properties into virtual stores using large posters to depict an actual store.

However, the detail is in the economics: will the percentage of the £80 million regeneration plan have been better spent on reducing business leases and rates?

Guido's PMQs Highlights

Bah, I'm away tomorrow seeing some friends so I won't be doing Guido's PMQs Highlights.  It's a shame as I think tomorrow's session is going to be a rather lively one with Cameron vs Red Ed.

Optical Illusions

Via Stewart Cowan's great Real Street blog, I came across this illusion from the Daily Mail:

I love illusions and thought they cannot be the same.  I covered up the squares with pieces of paper and my hands and was still convinced they were different shades of grey.  However I cut out the squares from the image using Macromedia Fireworks and this is what I got:

Amazing isn't it?  If you don't believe me, try it yourself.

Don't always believe what your brain is telling you.

Guido's PMQs LiveChat: Millionaire Union Bosses Edition

Thanks to Guido for hosting today's LiveChat where the window lickers gather for Wednesday's PMQs.  The general consensus was that it was a little boring this week and obviously misses characters such as the brooding, stammering pension wrecker as Cameron's foil.  Cameron was on top form today despite the personal grief he must have endured by the loss of his father.  A good banter between Harman and himself and incidentally, this was Harman's last appearance so no more Ms WhineyVoice.

Carlos is still MIA, Harman wasn't wearing her Giraffe Suite but as Billy Blofeld said: "Harman didn't go for the Meat Dress then....." unlike Lady GaGa.  Dick Scratcher gave the very important Hain Pantone Reference: 816F (Comanche Vanity) but Guido suggested that this might equally apply to the very orange Rosie Winterton. 

Obviously "staycations" don't apply to our political elite.

Dorian Smith likened Bercow's tie to the Czech TV test card while Tiewatcher loathes David Blunkett but thinks his tie is actually rather good.

The LiveChat was bereft of Labour "Haw Haws" spinning the propaganda although Kevin Maguire tweeted his best suggesting that Mervyn King told the TUC in 2008 that there wouldn't be a recession.  Come on Toilets, you can do better than that.

The rumours of the brooding McRuin making an appearance did not bear fruit sadly but Old Holborn was suggesting that he might release a tiger into the House which would have been entertaining, as well as his statement that "I have a sponsor who will pay £10 to everyone who turns up at the Popes gigs in a full gimp costume ".

So the best line of the week?  A close run thing with John Ward's great effort of ""I'm so Priti, oh so Priti..." on the first appearance of Tory MP Priti Patel, Chunk's "that woman has like two Nick Soames strapped to her mid-section" in reference to the rotund Rosie Cooper and Tuscan Tony's "Lloyd looks like he hit a wall naked at 40mph" when MP Stephen Lloyd stood up.

The winner goes to Sue Perrin-Junsham with this line after Guido's poll of Labour leaders:

"I'm voting for Steve Miliband - Abracadabra"

Here's the rest of the highlights- enjoy!



Dick Scratcher: Let's see if Laura K's over her PMT

Old Holborn: I love the way Abbott is calling for white men to be sacked from the civil service. She's be lucky to find one

Dorian Smith: Did Gordon get a note from his mum to take even more time off to teach at Harvard?

Should Be Working: Ah, Harriet - tea two sugars please luv!

Billy Blofeld: Peter Hain is wearing a dress again this week.

John Ward: Anne Beggs has just motored into the Chamber...

Dorian Smith: HH necklace from Swindon's Sue Ryder shop

Tuscan Tony: At least it isn't a pearl one Dorian.

Hugh Jend: my mate (hugh jardon) MAY have given Katy D a pearl necklace..anyone want to here more about it??

John Ward: Yes, the beads are probably more worried than Hattie...

JULIAN BRAY DUCKHOUSE: George Michael says hi from Pentonville....

Another Engineer: Harman most popular! Is Gordon in the house?

Roger Thornhill: Going nowhere and Harman? You surprise me.

Dick Scratcher: Border Police in blue leather, accessorized with black nightsticks

Dick Scratcher: Harperson wants a good grilling. Gas mark 4.

JULIAN BRAY DUCKHOUSE: brazier more like damp firelighter

the last quango in paris: 7 votes for those muppets

Tuscan Tony: CHief cause of poverty is watching Jeremy Kyle.

Old Holborn: Abbott to win would be fantastic. Mugabes widow herself

Dick the Prick: Mugabe's got better standards

Tuscan Tony: The dream team for Labour leadership would be Abbott and Prescott.

Old Holborn: I have a sponsor who will pay £10 to everyone who turns up at the Popes gigs in a full gimp costume

Carol Vorderman: I love Balls!

JULIAN BRAY DUCKHOUSE: liverpool all the wheeliebins are on bricks

JULIAN BRAY DUCKHOUSE: pope on a rope ..... doofa on a loofah

Hugh Jend: will the pope treat us to a rendition of "two little boys"?

Tuscan Tony: The 3 munters.

Old Holborn: She knitted that herself

Unsworth: OH - not knitted, nailed together

John Ward: "I'm so Priti, oh so Priti..."

John Ward: Another Vaz!

Billy Blofeld: She isn't oily enough to be a real Vaz

Ghost of Greg Stone: Put the Vaz's next to each other with artificial colouring= Vaz e line

Old Holborn: Release a live tiger into the House

Secret Lemondade Drinker: Look at those highlights. Bloody hell. Labour are falling apart.

Guido Fawkes: I m m m mmiss m m m m m mr rrr Speaker from Jonah

Dorian Smith: Luckily we have widescreen tv for Rosie

Unsworth: Christ! A blue Marquee

Tuscan Tony: Taxibus for Rosie!

Beware of Geeks: "That's no moon, it's a space station"

Chunk: That woman has like two Nick Soames strapped to her mid-section

Tuscan Tony: Vernon Coaker = Dusty Bin

Dick Scratcher: Ainsworth doing his pools coupon

Dorian Smith: Balls auditions for CHurchill nodding dog campaign

Chunk: Lloyd looks like a Jim Henson creation.

Billy Blofeld: Someone needs to buy him a jaw

Tuscan Tony: Lloyd looks like he hit a wall naked at 40mph

Beware of Geeks: Now I know what happened to Kermit

Sue Perrin-Junsham: I'm voting for Steve Miliband - Abracadabra

Secret Lemondade Drinker: Andrew Mitchell is now chatting up Caroline Spelman. Dirrrrty.

John Ward: Harlow and goodbye!

Tuscan Tony: Prescott is working the tables in 1st Class, Ghost.

Old Holborn: what a heap of otter w**k

MPs to get advice from Harold Shipman in running old people's homes

I mean seriously, WTF?


Hopefully this is just Daily Wail bollocks

Tracey Emin

Body from Baywatch.

Face from Crimewatch.

Danger! Danger! Internet about to get the Curse of Jonah!

Looks like McRuin will be joining Tim Berners-Lee on the board of the World Wide Web Foundation to take on the role of advising on ways to bring affordable internet connectivity to disadvantaged regions such as Africa.  Well, that's one project completely wrecked by the Curse of Jonah before it even gets started.

I think Alex Deane from Big Brother Watch has it about right:

"Wanting to help Africans get online is laudable. But given the enormous intrusions into privacy and freedom over which Gordon Brown presided whilst Prime Minister, he’s about the worst person to “help” new internet users. Less “education for all” – more “snooping for those who can’t escape it”

Quite.  How a brooding, bullying, miserable, bunker-dwelling, pension-wrecking, cowardly socialist with a total and utter contempt for liberty thinks he might be the right person to help bring the freedom of the internet to Africa, is quite clearly delusional to the extreme.

h/t TechEye.net

"Fighting ‘them’ on the Sandwell"

Please visit Anna's site and spread the word about this gross injustice.

Waking up to Oona King in the morning

I awoke to the shrill sound of socialist bollocks being transmitted over LBC on the Ferrari show, today hosted by James Whale.  Oona King was there obviously to promote her chances of becoming the Labour representative for the next London Mayor and as always, simply does not accept or get why she and her party were thrown out at the last election.

She thinks the coalition should not cut spending because millions will be thrown onto the scrapheap like they were when Thatcher was in power.

Fortunately help was at hand by the deluge of listeners and emails that accused her beloved Labour party of always leaving the country in a bankrupt state by spending all the family silver.  One angry listener challenged Oona as to whether she had managed a balance sheet?  Oona in her best defence said "of course" before listing a load of public sector non-job and fake charity positions that she previously worked in. 

So that would be a no then.

Then, with that irritating, condescending, sarcastic chuckle she always adopts when she says something that she thinks is obvious and yet we howl into the air at her righteous indignation and blindness in the unworkable ideology held onto so dearly by socialists, she compares the spending cuts to this fantastic analogy:

"Well, you don't panic and rush to pay off your mortgage earlier, do you?"

Good god.  Don't let this woman within sniffing distance of a budget.  Even James Whale had a go at her alongside some more irate listeners.

With her radar warning receiver flashing hotter than a set of Christmas tree lights, she dumped the chaff and flares that are employed by an ambushed socialist saying: "are there any Labour voters out there?", "what about the NHS?" followed by the classic, Thatcher's misquote, "there's no such thing as society".

A hideous, hideous woman with a hideous, hideous belief in a misguided ideology.

Tactical Nuclear Penguin

I was privileged the other day to try some of this remarkable beer. It’s Tactical Nuclear Penguin by BrewDog and is an amazing 32% ABV. How do they do this?

They achieve this high alcohol content by freezing the beer and removing the water that freezes and draining off the liquid which is richer in alcohol (which freezes at a much lower temperature). It is also matured so it tastes quite mellow with hints of charcoal and chocolate.

It is £35 per 330ml bottle but to be honest, it’s a sipping beer and I wouldn’t want to drink more than one at a time.

Cheers!

Update: the great Dick Puddlecote has a post showing a new one by BrewDog: The End of History, made by BrewDog of Fraserburgh, Aberdeenshire, is 55% and £500 a bottle

Jeff Randall: Peter the Great's poisonous pen will do Britain a power of good

Wonderful paragraph:

It is where a dysfunctional clique took the United Kingdom into an illegal war, dismantled border controls, encouraged unprecedented immigration, debased educational standards, attacked the independence of our best schools and universities, botched devolution, eroded British sovereignty, pumped up a consumer debt bubble, ran our private pension system into the ground, messed up financial regulation and wrecked the country's balance sheet.

Also came across a great comment:

Despite endless warnings from history, people like this constantly find themselves in positions of power. Elected, I presume by the kind of people who think history should be ignored because it has the word 'tory' in it.

Telegraph

Guido's PMQs LiveChat: Schools Out for Summer Edition

Where Guido's window lickers come and gather, to blather and let rip their feelings on all things politics as the MPs assemble for the Wednesday lunchtime ritual of Prime Minister's Question Time.

A maelstrom of lexicon, a staccato of snipes, an orgy of aggressive and jocular banter hosted by Guido.

Did you miss the funny one liners from Messrs Ward, Sinatra, Stone and Scratcher?!?

Well fear not - here are the highlights and if Harman's head explodes Scanner style, then god forgive you for not being there to laugh out loud on Guido's Live Chat!


What's for lunch Carlos

Still MIA


Theresa May Spacesuit Watch

Dick Scratcher: @Geeks: FYI T May was wearing her cosmonaut outfit on ITN last night - it did not get burnt on re-entry


Harman's "Big Game" Safari watch

Govt-By-Cluster-Fuck: is that a prison uniform jacket ? and doesnt she own an iron ?

Wight Tory: Tom Watsons Suit is being worn, he's gone for her giraffe number

Tuscan Tony: Looking at the jacket, does Harriet work part time in a butchers' shop?


Hain (and Cam) Pantone Watch

Dick Scratcher: Hain Pantone Reference : 817B (NYPD basketball)


TeatherWatch

MIA


Dodgy Tie of the Week

Tiewatcher: Clegg has a new tie - he usually goes for plain ones

John Ward: Neutral tie for Clegg today...

Beware of Geeks: Very blue tie for Ozzie

manceyy: Georges tie is V bold

Billy Blofeld: Ties sponsored by British Gas

GV: There's nothing wrong with Osborne's tie - it fits snugly over his beer belly

Tiewatcher: Dave Anderson: that shirt and tie don't match your suit


Labour parody of the Week

Proud to be Labour: Labour will destroy Cameron on BSF. Labour builds schools. Tories tear them down to set up dangerous free-market experiments.


Best line of the Week

Tuscan Tony: Expensive drugs - Osbourne springs awake.


Highlights

John Ward: This week has been a good justification for using public funds for clearing out a Moat...

Spank Sinatra: Here's hoping harpic has a niqab on

.243 Win: Spank : Head-mounted bin liner would be better....

Old Holborn: I'm going on a Calais booze cruise. Dressed in a Burqa

Old Holborn: Is that a chimpanzee mask he's wearing?

.243 Win: Someone's given her a good raging if the hair's anything to go by

Old Holborn: ARRRRGGGGHHHHHH

Raoul Moat: Thats what I said OH

Old Holborn: Yvette looking like a fat sad Phil Oakey from Human League

Balls is bonkers: Yvette Balls is wearing a vest

Dick the Prick: Are Harperson's breasts trying to break free?

Rog: Harm-man's zoot suit is melting my retinas.

Tuscan Tony: Gordon is at the 3rd level of sedation.

Dick Scratcher: Harpic has an ego the size of Michelle Obama’s ass

Rog: Yvette has obviously upped her medication. Either that or had a stroke.

Beware of Geeks: When's bonker's book coming out?

.243 Win: Geeks : When someone can decypher the crayon marks.

Tuscan Tony: Police force in Hackney should be 40% rasta.

Old Holborn: Yvette has borrowed Mick Hucknells face

Rog: OH: I think she turned it inside out before wearing it.

Dick Scratcher: Yvette really DOES deserve a good piping today

Tuscan Tony: Which pipe, Scratcher?

Guido Fawkes: You see Ed Balls was having a drink with Bevanite Ellie on the terrace last night before Yvette dragged him away.

Old Holborn: Nice to see George Mellie's suit went to as good home

John Ward: From George Melly to Harpy SMelly.

Tuscan Tony: Will she ask Dave if he knows anyone mad and bad?

Dick Scratcher: Oliver Letwin = Rubenesque artists model

Dick the Prick: Olly Letwin looks ripe for a heart attack

Beware of Geeks: I think Ozzie is straining for another bowl breaker

The whole of Wales: does that mean we'll have to get a job boyos?

.243 Win: Mad, bad, sad Nads. But you still would.

John Ward: Francis Maude seems to have some residual chewing gum in his mouth...

Guido Fawkes: Go on iPSA starve the b*******s

Ghost of Greg Stone: jeez is he never going to get to a Q?

Beware of Geeks: I hear he charges £1/h for public speaking - he's now a millionaire!

Dick Scratcher: I predict a rabbit

Dorian Smith: I like maguire's photo, was it taken when he was in a boy band?

Dick Scratcher: Robertson = 250lb Haggis

Old Holborn: he's had plenty of hot dinners

Rog: Pie disappearance mystery solved. Close the case.

Old Holborn: Is that a norman helmet she's wearing?

Beware of Geeks: Ding dong!

Beware of Geeks: Christ, I should have gone to Specsavers

Dick the Prick: @BoG - stop, desist, restrain and prevent

Afghanistan Banana Stand: Geeks: you need new glasses

Guido Fawkes: Can't believe 13% of you are suicidal.

John Ward: I can't even pronounce his constituency name...

Tuscan Tony: Expensive drugs - Osbourne springs awake.

Guido Fawkes: Time for the pub, would the 11% of you who are suicidal go out and get some sunshine.

Guido's PMQs LiveChat: All Hungover Together Edition

Where Guido's window lickers come and gather, to blather and let rip their feelings on all things politics as the MPs assemble for the Wednesday lunchtime ritual of Prime Minister's Question Time.

A maelstrom of lexicon, a staccato of snipes, an orgy of aggressive and jocular banter hosted by Guido.

Did you miss the funny one liners from Messrs Ward, Sinatra, Stone and Scratcher?!?

Well fear not - here are the highlights and if Harman's head explodes Scanner style, then god forgive you for not being there to laugh out loud on Guido's Live Chat!


What's for lunch Carlos?

Old Holborn: Carlos has obviously starved to death

John Ward: Well, in Carlos' absence, my early lunch was Ardenne pate, with a nice salad, toast and some of that Canti Merlot-Sangiovese.

Dick Scratcher: Carlos was playing up front for Uruguay last night...he'll be back next week.


Theresa May Spacesuit Watch

Beware of Geeks: Theresa May not wearing the spacesuit


Harman's "Big Game" Safari watch

Dorian Smith: What will it be from Harriet this week, the Mr Byrite look, the mutant giraffe look, or the Abigail's Party look?

John Ward: Turn down the brightness on your TVs, folks: it's Harman in white!


Hain (and Cam) Pantone Watch

Dick Scratcher: Hain Pantone Reference : 813C (Dutch Delight) …topical eh?


TeatherWatch

MIA


Dodgy Tie of the Week

torybear: Clegg celebrating the Dutch win with his tie?

Rog: Cleggs tie sponsored by Easyjet?

Roger Thornhill: Clegg appears to have a slice of Hain's skin hanging around his neck

John Ward: I suspect Clegg's tie is a deliberate reminder that he is really a Lib Dem and not Cameron's pet.


Best line of the Week

Old Holborn: bet she's got a tw@t like a black cat with it's throat cut


Highlights

Labour bankrupted the UK: Can we have a "Spot the Gordon" competition instead on the DP?

Bobby Bobberson: Harriet will be using the pissed off stoat looks this week.

Dorian Smith: Someone should tell Bercow he's never going to get taller.

Dick Scratcher: Bercow walked in on his wife last night...

Old Holborn: What? Somaliland? Can we send Bristol back now then?

Hugh Jardon: I can't stand semolina

Dorian Smith: George looks miserable because he has to look at the opposition benches, it would depress most people.

Beware of Geeks: Now he looks like he's straining a bowl breaker!

John Ward: Engerland swings like a pendulum do...

Old Holborn: colombo raincoat

Dick Scratcher: "...can I ask you one more question?"

Dorian Smith: Spot on about Columbo, when she gets to the 6th question will she say "just one more question Sir"?

Dick Scratcher: Ken Clarke = loose Frank Cannon

John Bercow: What the **** does she have round her neck?

John Ward: Ah, that's her asp round the neck...

Old Holborn: She sounds like the woman on a Tesco customer service desk

niallpaterson: This is turning into an episode of Some Mothers Do Have Em

the last quango in paris: david miliband just scared the life out of me with his staring

Old Holborn: We don't need more police, we need less crime

John Ward: "The chair has resigned". How can furniture resign?

Dorian Smith: Please HH, run for the leadership, more missed open goals than in the world cup

Old Holborn: We ARE a prison ship. HMP Open Prison Britain

Spank Sinatra: I think I would prefer white noise rather than listen to her

alekboyd: Labour actually took more than economic lessons from Argentina...

Dick Scratcher: ...stab proof vests available in pink now

Smig: Brought crime down by giving the slackers enough beer and sky tv to keep them comfortable. They didnt have to burgle then.

Dick Scratcher: Afghans = like pushing cats into a cupboard

Spank Sinatra: Press F1 for english

Alistair Campbell: I hate being bi polar. It's awesome!!

John Ward: My mum says that there's one think about John: he was always trying. I *think* it was a compliment...

Beware of Geeks: Is Ken Clarke's alien love child about to burst from that portly, incubating belly?

Lobbydog: PMQs, now Bercow defending PM. Like a ref who books a player to even out a previous poor decision.

Dick Scratcher: K Clarke morphing into Churchill

Beware of Geeks: "Never, in the field of human conflict has an alien burst forth from my belly...never!"

John Ward: Well, Geeks, as that fellow in the movie must have thought: that Hurt!

Dennis Skinner MP: can I ask the prime minister when the bar's open, I need a drink

Hugh Jardon: would this be an opportune moment to mention the time that I may have spurted my curd all over the fullsome Katy D??

Dick Scratcher: Nick Brown hates the hose pipe ban...

Spank Sinatra: A tellytubby speaks

Billy Blofeld: Wee Willie Tw@t

Roehamster: Bloke with beard looks like that optical illusion that is a head both ways up.

Dick Scratcher: Gordon Broon = the Peter Ridsdale of politics

Old Holborn: **** me, he's had more hot dinners than I've had hot dinners

Mustafa Mohammed: Vote early, vote often

moss: Semper in excremento sum, solum profunditas mutat

Rog: Osborne set to glum factor 9.

Dick Scratcher: De Piero has a warm front

Beware of Geeks: I'd come on a green bench for Gloria

Old Holborn: bet she's got a tw@t like a black cat with it's throat cut

John Ward: I thought a Piero was a French clown...

wallaceme: @VizTopTips BOUNCERS - defy stereotypes by going mental and attacking people with guns instead of your fists.

Guido's PMQs LiveChat: Budget Bashing Edition

Where Guido's window lickers come and gather, to blather and let rip their feelings on all things politics as the MPs assemble for the Wednesday lunchtime ritual of Prime Minister's Question Time.

A maelstrom of lexicon, a staccato of snipes, an orgy of aggressive and jocular banter hosted by Guido.

Did you miss the funny one liners from Messrs Ward, Sinatra, Stone and Scratcher?!?

Well fear not - here are the highlights and if Harman's head explodes Scanner style, then god forgive you for not being there to laugh out loud on Guido's Live Chat!


What's for lunch Carlos?

MIA


Theresa May Spacesuit Watch

MIA


Harman's "Big Game" Safari watch

Beware of Geeks: No giraffe suit - bah

Ghost of Greg Stone: Zebra to the right


Hain (and Cam) Pantone Watch

Dick Scratcher: Cameron Pantone Reference : 817F (Volcanic Andre)

Dick Scratcher: Hain Pantone Reference : 810B (Spring Gavin Henson)


TeatherWatch

MIA


Dodgy Tie of the Week

Tom FD: clegg wearing a red tie?


Star Trek Watch

Beware of Geeks: Star Trek refeerence

gone fuckin mental: black hole

Ghost of Greg Stone: Star trek joke fell flat this week

Should_Be_Working: More Star Trek stuff?

Posh Tory: Hate to point out that you can't dig in a black hole...


Talon Watch

Roger Thornhill: Careful Cameron, you appear to be catching the curse of the claw


Labour parody of the Week

Heard it all before dave: PFIs still exist, they are tory policy, deficit reduction, no, they increase the deficit. Dave's full of **** and is merely consolidating his and his fellow millionaires' wealth.


Best line of the Week

John Ward: *Vince* Cable TV!!


Highlights

Dick Scratcher: Dismal Dave = dolphin friendly twat

obangobang: Nandy's handy, apparently.

Dick Scratcher: Stand by for a repeat of the scene from ‘Scanners’ when Harperson’s head explodes

Barry Fuckwit: Has Dave got his mum sat next to him?

Dorian Smith: Oh dear, hereeeeeeee's Michael White!

Tiewatcher: Spag Bollocks

gone fuckin mental: 3-0 from the back

Dick Scratcher: Smash - right in the back of the neck

Beware of Geeks: It's funny hearing Labour having a go at the Tories - it's like blaming your morning dump on your neighbour's carpet.... on your neighbour!

Spank Sinatra: Oh sit down you little runt

Should_Be_Working: Cameron's not straight? Does Samantha know?

Beware of Geeks: Geek-onomics surely

obangobang: I'd like to wish England the best of luck tomorrow on their journey home

obangobang: Cristophe Lamby Pie?

Ghost of Greg Stone: Fusion research for the coalition?

Spank Sinatra: Large hadron collider couldn't make them love each other

13eastie: DC appears to have found Carol Caplin's sun-bed in the attic of No. 10

Beware of Geeks: What's that? Vevuzelas, thousands of them!

Roger Thornhill: Bercow sounds like he is calling out "Cashier number four, please"

Dick Scratcher: I’ve worked out why Dismal Dave gave the cosmonaut the Home Office – he parks his bike in her cleavage

Beware of Geeks: Andrew Selous like Petit Filous!

John Ward: "Mmm. Port Salut!"

Ghost of Greg Stone: Thats cheesy John Ward

John Ward: I know, Ghost, but I'm just a softy. When I'm being hard, I go for blue Stilton.

Dick the Prick: Whoa - need a distillery to shag that

Should_Be_Working: We forecast that the number of children living under Labour will be zero.

Dick the Prick: Peter Bone - hee hee hee

Dick Scratcher: Cow in house

Spank Sinatra: This guy does not have opposable thumbs

MisterE: Blimey - she hasn't missed many dinners...

Dick Scratcher: Who is that fat bastard?

John Ward: Diane Abbott, I think, or John Prescott...

Beware of Geeks: The bastard spinster of Abbot and Prescott's affair

Dick Scratcher: She has 2 Jags for lunch

Ghost of Greg Stone: Stuff Sinn Fein

Dick Scratcher: Can you hear ticking?

John Ward: Surely Hexham (from its name) should have *six* pubs?

jgm2: Surely Hexham should have six pigs. I think I slept with all of them.

Beware of Geeks: Ozzie looks like he's about to throw up - been to a good party last night - drink, coke and hookers

keeprightonline: I'm so sound they've started calling me 'Vuvuzela'... also coz I'm annoying as ****

Sir Trev Skint MP: Just in case there are any Talybunnies listening

Ghost of Greg Stone: Fog in Channel, Continent isolated.

Spank Sinatra: Diane Abbot's black hole? Yuk

Wanted Poster

Much fun to be found here

Guido's PMQs Live - Highlights

Missed all the banter on Guido's Live PMQs? Can't be bothered to trawl through pages of the windowlicking scribblings of the demented? Want to see the highlights in one easy to digest posting?

Well, welcome to the weekly Guido's PMQs Live - Highlights

Harman's Second Chance Edition

What's for lunch Carlos

MIA



Theresa May Spacesuit Watch

MIA



Harman's "Big Game" Safari watch

old holborn: harman, giraffe or camo?

Beware of Geeks: Giraffe I hope OH - I've got my big hunting rifle in anticipation

old holborn: nope, shes borrowed a sparkly suit from Oxfam

old holborn: liberace wants his jacket back after

old holborn: she looks like a badly stuffed sofa

John Ward: That's an old, original Cyberman costume that Harman's wearing: I recognise that shine anywhere!



Hain Pantone Watch

Dick Scratcher: Peter Hain Pantone Ref : 817D (Dickinson Teak)



TeatherWatch

MIA



Dodgy Tie of the Week

Tiewatcher: Miller: bad choice of tie for that shirt

Tiewatcher: Stuart Andrew tie acceptable

Tiewatcher: dramatic tie fail in row behind. brown and pink not a good fashion combination

Tiewatcher: carswell - not a good look - stripes, checks, and non matching tie. poor.

Tiewatcher: Elfyn's tie not bad but better with a navy suit



Star Trek Watch

.243 Win: CMD on Star Trek watch !

Beware of Geeks: Star Trek watch from Cam!!!

Northern Tory: treckie

Hugh Janus: Star Trek!

Dick Scratcher: Mandy has trouble with Klingons

adamboulton: HH: does he agree unemployment is never a price worth paying. DC: Labour leadership election looks like a star trek convention. Apologize!

John Ward: Star Trek/leadership connection: well, they have a Uhura in the running, though no Scotties...




Talon Watch

.243 Win: How long before we see a Harman claw ?

Beware of Geeks: @243 - talon, surely?

.243 Win: Geeks : OK, "talon watch" it is.....

Smig: Where is Harm men's clunking fist? I misst the mic being battered.

John Ward: Harman'd Got Talons!"

Ghost of Greg Stone: Pointy claw again


Labour parody of the Week

Proud to be Labour: Only the public sector can save Britain. We need a big investment in the public sector - at the cost of the private sector. The private sector ebbs and flows, but the public sector is eternal.



Best line of the Week

mort: damn my dog just farted... oddly it smells better than the labour party!


Highlights

torybear: Will be on Sky News at 7pm. Discussing banking reform, but most importantly - beard or no beard?

Beware of Geeks: @ToryBear - borrow a merkin

John Ward: I don't think ToryBear was referring to Harman (as per preceding comments here) w.r.t. the "beard"...

Dick Scratcher: Ken Clarke has a mirkin

Dick Scratcher: Harperson has a beard cos she's had too many facelifts

old holborn: god, it's bloody hogwarts

John Ward: OH yes! The Tin (Har-)Man!

.243 Win: Wasn't the tin-thing looking for a heart ? Oddly appropriate...

Beware of Geeks: I see Lurch has returned to support Harman

.243 Win: The old advert campaign was right : Harpic : Clean round the bend....

stew: that grumblehound next to harperson is giving me the creeps. i'm off for a Radox bath

old holborn: Michael White really is a weapons grade bellend

Dr Bombastic: Pudsey - does he represent teddy bears?

Tiewatcher: who's the creepy looking Mr Bean lookalike down the end of the Govt frontbench?

Keith josephs head: In the wide shot is that the Green Party Bird siiting with clear space either sideof her? she must smell funny

Dick Scratcher: Ainsworth is fixing his Cortina at the weekend

.243 Win: Looks like one of those purple things you get in a tin of Quality Street.

Spank Sinatra: I always spit those purple ones out

Smig: Blunket playing a blinder on the backbenches

Dorian Smith: Can we at least get rid of Michael White's photo, almost bad as his pompous posts

Beware of Geeks: Corr, Sir White pouring out the snipes today - he's been on the sherry again?

Dick Scratcher: Thank God T May is not in that strapless dress

mort: damn my dog just farted... oddly it smells better than the labour party!

Beware of Geeks: I do wish that alien implant would break out of Ken Clarke live on TV - that would be a scoop

old holborn: why do we need hill farmers? Holland doesn't

mort: MW: just sod off and find a choirboy for your fun you gormless twat

Wearyside: just noticed Ken Clark is still alive,, I had a lovely dream last night he was involved in a hideous accident involving penguins and a chainsaw :(

Hugh Janus: Has Saint Vince got a bad attack of piles?

Doktorb: Graham Brady - a cartoon version of Prince William

Dick Scratcher: Fur berger

mort: guido please lose the MW twits he is worse than a muslim at a an army parade

John Ward: Ah, the Munsters had another daughter!

old holborn: Wednesday Addams

Beware of Geeks: Everyday Addams

.243 Win: OH : Surely shold be "Sabbath Addams" ?

Spank Sinatra: Check your hub caps - scouser alert

TNT: She could suck a golf ball through a hose pipe

Dick Scratcher: Lammy : "2+2=5"

Spank Sinatra: Who do you think deregulated betting you twat?

Dick Scratcher: Thought Lammy could have done that with a rap - a la John Barnes

Guido's PMQs Live - Highlights

Missed all the banter on Guido's Live PMQs? Can't be bothered to trawl through pages of the windowlicking scribblings of the demented? Want to see the highlights in one easy to digest posting?

Well, welcome to the weekly Guido's PMQs Live - Highlights

Harman's Second Chance Edition



What's For Lunch Carlos?

MIA



Theresa May Spacesuit Watch

Beware of Geeks: I've spied Theresa May - she's wearing the spacesuit again!

dmh: Theresa May-space 1999 oufit.

Steve Expat: Theresa in the space suit again!

Harman's "Big Game" Safari watch

Steve Expat: no giraffe suit this week

Spank Sinatra: Good grief - my screen's having a fit!

Beware of Geeks: Just gonna get my hunting rifle

Old holborn: get a shotgun, all of you, quick

Dick the Prick: Spilt Jack's spunk over her

Billy Blofeld: Is that some sort of urban camoflage on Hattie?

John Ward: We're back to the original giraffe outfit this week, rather than the backup one we saw last week...

Dick Scratcher: She's wearing a sofa

Hain Pantone Watch

Dick Scratcher: Hain Pantone ref - 818B (Belisha Pepper)

TeatherWatch

The little hamster pixie was missing



Dodgy Tie of the Week

Ghost of Greg Stone: Hague with a yellow tie the coalition is going too far

Robson S: Hague got the mustard tie on and growing the hair back a la Ming - has he been traded to the LibDems? Tessa Jowell looks like Rosa Klebb on downers - not even that dress will cheer her up. Probably thinking of how Berlisconi cocked things up for Millsy

Tiewatcher: Hague favours yellow ties - classic lt blue shirt / yellow tie combo, always good with a navy suit

Bill Quango MP: Its not a yellow tie..its his judo belt

Spank Sinatra: Don't forget Hagues spandex outfit underneath however

Tiewatcher: Desmond Swayne's tie quite good - directly behind Cam

JULIAN BRAY DUCKHOUSE: cleggy gone green tie seen that one before >matalan

Tiewatcher: nice tie behind George Young

Tiewatcher: good effort from VInce on the tie front

Star Trek Watch

No Vulcans sighted



Claw Watch

Unsworth: Seems to have caught the box banging disease. Something on the Govt benches? Next, The Claw? Urgent medical assistance needed, I think.

Labour parody of the Week

Strangely absent



Best line of the Week

Dick Scratcher: Q: What is Diane Abbot going to do about defence? A: Paint it de same colour as de house.

Highlights

Steve Expat: Morning from somewhere hot and sunny!!

Beware of Geeks: Cleethorpes?

guidofawkes: Just did a bit of voguing to Daily Politics guess the year soundtrack. Memories..

Old holborn: anyone seen Gordon? Is he at the Priory?

Billy Blofeld: Not the Priory - Jonah's been hanging around BP a lot....

Old holborn: Great news about abolishing free school meals. Most kids round our way look like Jabba the ****ing Hut

Dick the Prick: Mr Spunker

Robson S: Gordon ever gonna show up? Watched that documentary on Nixon again last night - remarkable similarities with McDoom

Dick Scratcher: I thought glenoglaza was an Italian window shine ???

Beware of Geeks: Roger de Courcey's got a new job I see

Dick Scratcher: Let the sheep shaggers have independence & we'll take our public sector jobs out

Old holborn: Set the Welsh adrift

John Ward: Disdain from Hain, but he's a pain!

John Ward: Not so far Farronn as Faraway, I think...

Ghost of Greg Stone: Can you ban MichaelWhite Guido boring idiot

Dick the Prick: BAN STUFF NOW. Down with this sort of thing

Billy Blofeld: Hattie and Tessa look like they have dressed for Songs of Praise...

Head Lizard: Hague uses too much noggin polish

JULIAN BRAY DUCKHOUSE: Can't see Gordon Brown anywhere must be saving the world (cup)

Dick the Prick: Danger danger, high voltage high voltage

PSBCustard: Osborne looks as though he's dreaming of knocking one out over Harperson's tits

JULIAN BRAY DUCKHOUSE: hair by harmony... or har by harmony

Dick Scratcher: Beware of Geeks - who's the T shirt model on your website? Can I have her number?

Beware of Geeks: @Dick Scratcher - my man boobs

John Ward: Harman: "Um, let's think of a way to make this look like I'm right..."

Steve Expat: Shut up Hattie, I know you're not used to seeing an honest answer at PMQs but you got one!

Dick Scratcher: Eric Pickles wants an equal seat to Sarah Teather

Old holborn: Eric Pickles should have to win two seats

Billy Blofeld: Abbott and Balls - fantastic...

guidofawkes: Unconfirmed rumour that Diane Abbott has made it through

Beware of Geeks: @Guido - made it through? What, a morning without eating 18 cakes?

Dick Scratcher: Tessa Jowell is wearing the curtains...

Headsonpoles: Vote Abbot - or Spitfire or London Pride

Tom FD: may looks awful

Beware of Geeks: @Tom FD - It's what prolonged exposure to zero gravity does to you

guidofawkes: Hattie's comedian script writer shows her skills

Beware of Geeks: "Bring back Gordon!" Er, no sorry,.. nurse, my pills please

PSBCustard: You don't need CCTV. Just shoot all miscreants and put more bobbies on the beat.

Old holborn: Ed Balls is Alf Garnett LOVE IT

Old holborn: @Ed Balls "Blaaahdy Cooonns"

Bill Quango MP: In Sickness and in Health - ed and hattie

Old holborn: Ken Clark is nursing his unborn baby

Billy Blofeld: Wolverine's grandad

Spank Sinatra: Love the racoon hat

Old Holborn: osbourne is on "pause"

Dick Scratcher: Ozzy needs new batteries

Steve Expat: "Big is not always beautiful" - Kerry McCarthy?

Spank Sinatra: Lots of fish in Luton

Beware of Geeks: An equal opportunity haddock

Spank Sinatra: She could suck start a Harley

Dick Scratcher: Wasn't she on Property Ladder?

DS Need to be a strong ****ing ladder...

Old Holborn: We need high speed rail to get the heroin addled wife beaters back to Scotland asap

Dick Scratcher: Mandy wants to come on England

Quote of the Day: Dave's got more plants than a Vietnamese cannabis factory FFS.

What's the carbon footprint of a pint of beer?

I couldn't give a shit personally as all this global warming nonsense is just bollocks, but sometimes it can produce some nuggets of amusement.  From the great An Englishman's Castle blog, the host makes good a quip about the banality of a Guardianista journalist, fist deep in his frotting diatribe of carbon footprinting eco-onanism on the amount of CO2 released when producing a pint of beer and comparing it to the output from black tea production, when suddenly a comment appears that makes one chortle enough to have one reaching for the emergency bottle of cask strength Laphroaig:

Black tea? What a load of whining f*cking puritans.


My carbon footprint for beer can be seen on any hippy's back as I climb over the barbeque to get to the bar/fridge.

Thank you nbc!

I wish I could be like David Laws

Potentially could have been a great man in politics, intelligent, great business acumen, rights to a private life... whatever you feel about this guy, and I agree with most of the sentiments that have already been expressed by others, there's one repeatable nucleotide that seems to run through all the political elite's DNA:

Putting their self interest above the country.

It's obviously not the money is it?  Laws was a millionaire.  It's the fact that the political elite try to twist the system to benefit themselves once again.

If I try and put a "Thai massage with extras" though as a business expense, the HMRC would simply shake their collective wonk heads, wag their callus free manicured fingers and point me to EIM31660:

To be deductible from the earnings of an employment an expense must be incurred wholly and exclusively in the performance of the duties of the employment.

They would simply and quite rightly refuse it.  I know I shouldn't put this through as an expense, however complicated the tax rules are.

Laws knew.  He knew it was wrong.  He tried to use his sexuality to protect himself.  I'm sorry, but it is wrong.

We need FULL transparency, FULL accountability for EVERY penny claimed by the political elite and for them to be subjected to the same rules as the rest of us have with the HMRC.

Better still, simply remove the option of expenses from the political elite and let them chose and pay for the various services out of their "salaries" like the rest of us have to do in business.

An Appalling Question Time

I have to admit that I avoid watching the spectacle of farce and bias that has become the BBC's Question Time, but last night I joined David Vance and the crew from Biased BBC to watch the programme and comment on Live Chat.

Probably the worse edition of the programme I have seen. 

The programme kicked off by Dimbers saying that the new coalition government refused to place one of their ministers there unless they removed the failed spin doctor and yesterday's man, Alistair Campbell from the panel and replace him with a shadow minister.

Gavin Allen, the executive editor of Question Time said:

It is for Question Time, not political parties, to make judgements about impartiality and to determine who is invited to appear in the interests of the audience.

The remaining 59 minutes of the programme quickly nosedived into an orgy of Tory bashing, coalition critique and pro Labour propaganda, apart from one minor distraction of Piers Moron blaming Campbell for Iraq and asking him to apologise, which he naturally refused (for fear of opening a can of fake dossier worms).  Amusingly, someone in the audience at that moment jeered: "Dr Kelly". 

John Redwood initially took a surprisingly aggressive stance against Campbell throwing in plenty of blame for the mess we're in down to "Campbell's government".  Unfortunately, an audience packed with liberals clapping enthusiastically like seals whenever Campbell had finished his diatribes and the constant interruptions from Dimbers quickly quenched any semblance of a Tory viewpoint.

This is interesting in the fact that maybe, perhaps the new coalition have started to make a stand against the creep of "progressive" liberal bias that has infested the once great BBC.  Evidence of their complete lack of political impartiality is becoming more public and their ludicrous stance of "the science is settled within the BBC" and their zealous defence of anything regarding the eco-lunacy of the global warming bollocks and windmills variety is frankly staggering.

Could we be seeing the first battle lines being drawn between the new coalition government and the BBC?  Certainly, the BBC's anti-Tory rhetoric is growing stronger.  Do they sense their vast empire may be in danger as the new coalition starts to hack away at the gluttonous tentacles of the public sector?  Maybe.

You can all help with that process yourselves by cancelling your TV licences.  It's very easy to do.  Here's the number: 0844 800 6705.  Just say you want to cancel your licence, they don't ask you why and if they do, just say you don't watch any more telly.

More info here.