Guido's PMQs Live - Highlights

Missed all the banter on Guido's Live PMQs?  Can't be arsed to trawl through pages of the windowlicking scribblings of the demented?  Want to see the highlights in one easy to digest posting?

Well, welcome to the weekly Guido's PMQs Live - Highlights

A Fistful of Nokias version


What's for lunch, Carlos?

Dick Scratcher: Carlos, what’s for lunch? Bully Beef & Chips?

Carlos: Not sure about lunch, but open to suggestions!


Carlos: OK, now I'm hungry.

Hain Pantone Watch

Dick Scratcher: Hain Pantone Reference : 1505 - Tangerine (He is now the Official Blackpool FC mascot)

Theresa May Astronaut Watch

The IMF is coming: No diving suit today


Steve Expat: Theresa May not looking like a spacewoman today!

Cameron Hair Watch

JULIAN BRAY (NOKIAPROOF): nEW HAIR COLOUR FOR cAMERON ANYONE NOTICED?


Tuscan Tony: I did Julian - looks like he's been running around underneath parked cars.

NotaSheep: Does look a little darker, maybe he and Prince William have the same barber?

Wild Yvette Watch

Beware of Geeks: Holy shit! Did you see that look on Yvette?? Rabbit in headlights!


Spank Sinatra: Cooper is on mogadon too

Airey Belvoir: Yvette wind-tunnel hair, mad stare

Claw Watch

Ghost of Greg Stone: the claw!

 
Pun of the Week 

Dick Scratcher: "Jew conduct" ?

 
 Alky Aida Watch 
 

 .243 Win: Alky aida. Yee Harr...

John Ward: Ah, "Alky Ada" again!

PSB Custard: Alky- Ada. Hurrah!

dAMIAN mCbRIDE: Alky ada...is that whore on benefits?

Rog: Alchy Ada doing the rounds again!

barniebear: 2 pints of Alki Ada

Highlights

Steve Expat: Khan looked like he was about to throw a Nokia at Neil!!


Ghost of Greg Stone: Every got their crash helmets ready for PMQs

Steve Expat: Nick Robinson: Gus O'Donnell says he never spoke to the PM about bullying, did speak to him about 'how to get hte best of his staff'!!

Beware of Geeks: And for the benefit of our Labour monitors: practise the following phrase everymorning until the 6th May "would you like fries with your bullying?"

.243 Win: Why are Harpic's anal beads around her neck ?

Kingbingo: They managed to use the make-up to cover Darlings bruises pretty well

Steve Expat: Kerry's looking ugly today

Tuscan Tony: members of my personal staff who have had eyes blacked since we last met.

Beware of Geeks: Holby - you got a boner yet from seeing Kerry?

Hugh jend: fuck me..it's hong kong fooey!

Beware of Geeks: Red Alert! Nokia shields full frontal

Old holborn: MRSA is in our DNA

Spank Sinatra: May has some anal beads too I see

obangobang: Labour - A Fucked Future for All

Ghost of Greg Stone: Yeah Gordon playing sotto voce today

Billy Blofeld: The all new emotional Gordon Brown........

Roger Thornhill: Lurch is back on Labour Front bench

the shade of dr kelly: when did you stop beating your staff?

Pontius The Pilot: Burnham looks worried. So the fucker should.

Dick Scratcher: It's not Darling, it's an android

Billy Blofeld: Does Gordon not know that Badger baiting is illegal?

Tuscan Tony: Ask Gordy if he's seen the HK bully package?

Ghost of Greg Stone: Managers fail - Broon has failed

Be Gone Gordon: looks like Gordoom is suffering from Jizz in the eye - Mandy's aim must be off

Tuscan Tony: Nice pearl necklace on Harriet - who did that I wonder?

WoaR: And I'm sending Alistair to Stafford to have his hernia done.

Billy Blofeld: He looked thinner in his Taiwanese CGi video........

Dick the Prick: Geez, wouldn't kiss that cunt if my life depended on it

New Labour bankrupted UK: Stop jabbering the lectern you mental man

Beware of Geeks: Nokias - lock and load

JULIAN BRAY (NOKIAPROOF): EL CUNKO FISTICO BROON

Tuscan Tony: Compasstastic

Dick Scratcher: Bleugh…think I just saw Harpic’s VW bonnet when she crossed her legs....jesus

.243 Win: Cover ! Incoming tractor stats.

Hugh jend: mrmrmrmrmrmrmrmrmrmrmrmrmrmrmrmrmrmrmrmrmrmrm cunt!

Dick Scratcher: Blackman must have eyes in the top of her head

John Ward: Yes, Dick: the lady has 20-20-20-20 vision :-)

Old holborn: 94.1%. Fuck off, you twatmunching turdburglar

Dick Scratcher: Alan Johnson has eyes like fried eggs

Old holborn: Alan Johnson. Old Oyster Eyes

John Ward: Is that a statue of Burnham? He hasn't moved since the start of PMQs.

John Ward: Tax Credits are a way to force people to beg for their own money back, and to add to Gordon's stats.

Dick Scratcher: Mandy likes Lickenstein

Dick Scratcher: Mandy wants Chorus to tap his salamander

The Unknown Streetcleaner: We'll take money from anyone - God knows we need it

Cold Steel Rain: Taliban are perfecting Road Side Nokias

50 Calibre: Children now taken out of poverty exceeds population of Great Britain... again. Clever!

Roger Thornhill: That Madrass I had the other day had an evil influence on my ringpiece...

The Unknown Streetcleaner: more plants than epping forest

Beware of Geeks: "I can assure him, where there are questions....I am the furthest from answering them"

Steve Expat: nokias doing their pre-flight checks!

Steve Expat: that dispatch box has had more banging than a dockside whore today

Beware of Geeks: Does Mr Tata do raw steaks do you think?

smig: Tower control. This is nokia one heavy. Permission to taxi to runway four niner delta.

.243 Win: @Geeks : From the back, Baywatch, from the front : Crimewatch.

Ollie Cromwell: LOL "I have personally spoken to Mr Tata" and Mr Cabbage, Mr Carrot and Mrs Leek.

Dick Scratcher: Priorities = gardening you tosser

John Ward: Oh, Pound! He needs to be devalued - out of the Commons!

Old holborn: So many plants, it looks like Kew Gardens

 

Show off your shoulders - yeah, right!

Guido's PMQs Live - Highlights

Thanks to Guido we can now rant and rave at the gurning politicos during the farce that is know as "Opposition Leader's Questions" and watch the Prime Monster do his level best to avoid answering any questions whatsoever, while trying to tell his pre-written, anti-Tory jokes with the panache and hypocrisy of Marcus Brigstocke.

Unfortunately, the stream of consciousness that pours down the LiveChat screen is often missed, so Beware of Geeks is going to make this a regular weekly highlight to record and list the funniest comments.

What's For Lunch Carlos?

First of all, what is Carlos going to have for lunch?

dr bombastic: "have a fish taco carlos"

Then some fine comments from my fellow window lickers:-

BristolDave: He is addressing the policy issue, you dribbling mong, but it's YOUR policy he's addressing, not his. What's wrong with that?


Tuscan Tony: Tax on the Fyfe Fyffes!


Old Holborn: I'm going to send Brown a dead cat

Old Holborn: I can smell Kerrys growler

obangobang: Brown wants you to pay for his collapse into dementia - will we notice the difference?

Dorian Smith: no doubt this is a sterling performance from the nokia thrower according to toenails

Dale: Nick Clegg - when are you going to answer my letters and get Sheffield shitty council to resurface my street? It is still cobbled for fucks sake

Ghost of Greg Stone: 800 meeja wallahs against 100,000 troops not going to be much of a raise

BristolDave: Frankie Boyle was right, Gordon Brown just looks like someone's drawn a sad face on a scrotum

Spank Sinatra: We need you like veneral disease

John Ward: Ah, is he worried that the Pendle-um might swing?

Dick Scratcher: If Lemsip Opik & Carswell had a child together, I guess it would have a straight face. Right?

Dick Scratcher: Emily Maitlis latest: “ I'm now so old my pussy is haunted, but I AM sexier than Kirsty Wark.” Next week on Newsnight, Martha Kearney in a basque & suspenders and Gavin Esler in a gimp mask.

JULIAN BRAY - Go bRO nOW: kRAFT DAIRY7 MILK NOT OF HUMAN KINDNESS

Repeated throughout the LiveChat:

Dick Scratcher: Terry Pratchett : Just in case you haven’t heard, I have Alzheimer's.

Continuing:

Dick Scratcher: Broon should have to wear a stripy top, eye mask & black beanie when he does PMQs, and have a flute and double bass playing in the background.

Old Holborn: Le Port d'Douvre

Then John Redwood appeared:

Spank Sinatra: Set phasers to stun

Beware of Geeks: mind meld

ShoutsAtTheTV:star trek music

More:

John Ward: He's Mullin it over as he (slowly) speaks. (re: Chris Mullins)


Dick Scratcher: Alan Johnson superglued again

Labour Bankrupted the UK: I support the crash of the Euro, in fact, I'm betting on it :)

The Tobin tax was mentioned:

Dick Scratcher: How about a Dobbin tax for men with big cocks. I'd be bankrupt though. Forget it.

Tuscan Tony: Turnip tax on Labour voters!

Hopefully more next week!  Let me know if I missed your blog out, or funny comment.

Sobbing for Socialism

It's true!  The faux outpouring of insincere sobbing as a last desperate attempt to win over the electorate has an interesting effect on the onion market - India hikes onion export prices!

Yes, everyone, invoke tears of imaginary remorse at the drop of a hat, or election poll, with your handy to carry onion.  Can be used in any studio appearance or when Marr asks you an embarrassing question on just how much lying you did to the nation to justify a pointless war.

Mandatory uber ignorance

I came across this article and at first I thought it seemed a sensible idea: making cigarettes self-extinguish with the view to reducing deaths through domestic fires.


From the governments own figures it seems that dwelling fire deaths have reduced from 731 in 1988 to 190 in 2007. This has been mainly due to fire-retardant furniture and smoke alarms which now appear in 80% of the homes.

RoSPA (The Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents) indicates that due to the recession, there is a sharp rise in fire deaths as a result of “smoker’s materials” in Scotland, with alcohol being a contributory factor.

An interesting observation suggesting the Law of Unintended Consequences is alive and well:

“Ahead of the introduction of the smoking ban in 2006, some concerns were raised about the potential for an increase in fire deaths. We do not know whether the ban was directly linked to the rise in deaths, but it, together with the economic situation and efforts to tackle binge drinking, could mean people are now more inclined to stay at home to drink"

I did a quick bit of research into these reduced ignition propensity (RIP) cigarettes and was expecting the introduction or a fire-retardant chemical in there, but instead, it is a simple mechanism whereby ultra-thin concentric bands or 'speed bumps' are introduced in the cigarette paper in order to restrict oxygen access to the burning end of the cigarette.

Now, overall the campaigning, the government adverts, the smoke detectors, the fire regulations, lobbying have all come together to reduce deaths which is a good thing and I’m not going to comment or criticise this directly in any way.

What I am curious about is the overlap between educating people, manufacturing of safety devices and enforcement of legislation. The example above has a mixture of all three entities. So what is better: a pincer movement from all three, more education than legislation or more legislation than education?

To my more libertarian mindset, I would prefer to see more education than legislation, but would more legislation would be more efficient, quicker and possibly cheaper than education? Could we eventually achieve the same results with education alone? Maybe, eventually and probably helped by safety devices but would there be more deaths in the process?

Would safety devices absolve the individual from thinking about their own actions in the future, creating a sense of false expectation in their everyday lives?

For me, this symbolises in a small way, the struggle of Libertarianism versus Authoritarianism we see in so many aspects of our lives. Some see legislation as unnecessarily authoritative. Some see legislation as a social panacea to curing all our ills. We know from experience one exclusively over the other usually provides an unsatisfactory outcome.

Perhaps a perpetual balance of all three is simply the way things are as it reflects the myriad ways that human beings think and carry out their lives in the way that they feel fit.

What do you, dear reader, think?

Separated at birth?

Diane Abbott's arse              A Ferengi          

Plod suspect terrorists armed with "spangly blue hairdryers" as threat to public

Kids TV presenters Anna Williamson and Jamie Rickers from ITV1's hit show Toonattik, were filming a skit for the programme on London's South Bank wearing combat gear and armed with children's walkie-talkies and hairdryers.

"Jamie and I were kitted out in fake utility belts, we had the whole bulletproof flakjacket thing, we've got hairdryers in our belt, a kids' £1.99 walkie-talkie, hairbrushes and all that kind of stuff, and we were being followed by a camera crew and a boom mike and we get literally pulled over by four policemen and we were issued with a warning 'under the act of terrorism'."

Rickers, 32, added: "We were stopped, not arrested, but they had to say 'we are holding you under the Anti-Terrorism Act because you're running around in flak jackets and a utility belt', and I said 'and please put spangly blue hairdryer' and he was, like, 'all right'."

So that would be the South Bank that is in front of the large ITV studio complex then?  Nice to know the police have got a good sitrep on the area they are patrolling.



h/t Yahoo News

Photographers demo today

Just been reading the great LegIron and he brings up the point that Al Johnson has just increased the nation's security alert level to DEFCON 1 saying:

“I should stress that there is no intelligence to suggest than an attack is imminent"

Well, that'll be the photographers then.  Coincidence?  Possibly, but I never trust this government one inch after the catalogue of catastrophes they have created under their incompetent watch.

I'll leave it up to Sergeant Phil Esterhaus to say:

Hey, let's be careful out there

Make your own Conservative poster

h/t Leg-Iron

Power Cuts like it's 1979

Fucking Labour - on the UPS, last bar of power and I have a deadline for the USA.

Cnuts.

Pat Condell says "Thank god for Andy Choudary"

But with his usual twist on the situation.

Youtube

I've found the 30% who vote Labour!

A thick, deluded, partisan, ignorant, non-thinking idiot standing next to a Labour activist

Ever wondered why Labour still hold 30% of the voting slice?  I did.  And now I know why and where.

Some old crone on LBC this morning rabbled on and on and said the most ridiculous, partisan claptrap and refused to be corrected.  She said:

• Tony Blair inherited a country that had a terrible debt in 1997
• The Thatcher government was more corrupt than this Labour governement
• We had 3 million unemployed in 1997
• Gordon Brown had reduced this debt and had given more workers jobs
• The hospitals are better and the schools are better
• Interest rates were apparently 16% in 1997 when Tony Blair took over
• We had three day weeks under Thatcher

The worse thing about the conversation, is that despite the evidence proffered by James Max, she refused to believe it, like an eco-scientist receiving a collection of Hadley CRU emails.

This, dear reader, is where your labour voting slice comes from.  Thick, ignorant, partisan individuals who refused to open their eyes and think for themselves.

We live in a country where people unquestionably believe what they are told.

Prescott Impersonators destroy house

A floor collapsed beneath a group of about 20 members of Weight Watchers as they gathered to compare how many pounds they had shed over Christmas.

Obviously they all suffer from "glandular" problems and absolutely nothing to do with the ingestion of 300 KFC bargain buckets and a wheelbarrow full of cakes a day.

Fat greedy fuckers.

Times Online

Andrew Neil feeling Brave

h/t Swiss Bob

Norm's blogging, and he's quite good

Lord Tebbit is blogging on the Telegraph and now has written his second post.  It's is very well written and has some good humour in it.  My favourite line:

It seems to me that our masters these days are willing to use a carrot and stick approach, but they almost always use the stick on the poor old donkey’s nose and inflict a terrible indignity on the beast with the carrot at its other end.

Norman Tebbit's blog

Jabba Brown and Salacious Balls

Ed Balls is Gordon Brown's Salacious Crumb

Songs from inside my helmet

h/t Keith Law

In the cold, bleak winter, won't someone remember the windmills?

Remember those windmills that will protect us from the peak oil theory and help remove all those nasty CO2 emitting power stations that are killing our cheeeldren?

Well, what do you notice about winter weather when it's particularly cold?  Yes, that's right: there's no wind and a still breeze an unproductive windmill makes.

From A Problem With Wind, this particularly damning observation often overlooked by those blinded by simplistic green rhetoric is the final twist of the knife into the folly that is wind technology when managing a country's energy demand:

Denmark (population 5.3 million) has over 6,000 turbines that produced electricity equal to 19% of what the country used in 2002.

Yet no conventional power plant has been shut down.

Because of the intermittency and variability of the wind, conventional power plants must be kept running at full capacity to meet the actual demand for electricity. Most cannot simply be turned on and off as the wind dies and rises, and the quick ramping up and down of those that can be would actually increase their output of pollution and carbon dioxide (the primary "greenhouse" gas).

So when the wind is blowing just right for the turbines, the power they generate is usually a surplus and sold to other countries at an extremely discounted price, or the turbines are simply shut off.

So, whenever any eco-nazi starts going on about how windmills will save the cheeeldren, remind them of the above.

If you have time, read the information at the link - there are summaries but for the more technically minded, there are some good pieces about energy management and the distruptions caused by windmill trials, especially in Germany for instance.

The BBC at its biased best

It looks like Nick Robinson's blog is going into overdrive as he once again desperately tries to make up for the slow start to the failed coup attempt on Gordon Brown.  Guido and Tory Bear were reporting the news after midday.

The BBC have been piling on the toadying to Not-quite-so-new Labour, completely removing all but the mere hint of a whisper of the Tories from the front pages.

It was rumours abound as Peter "will he, or won't he arrive at Newsnight" Mandelson finally buckled under pressure from Mr Dale to cast his spell over Gordon's inevitable descent into oblivion.

David Vance of Biased BBC fame has report the "sheer pro-Labour entertainment value" of James Naughtie's Today program, where once again the BBC are giving a platform for Labour MPs to get their daily message out unhindered and unchallenged, liberally sprinkled with the usual "nasty Tories" rhetoric.

And of course, best leave it up to the ineffable Pie Muncher Puncher to summarise the situation with his erudite demeanour delivered using a syntax that has upset many a Babelfish:

Depressing rates by bringing in cheaper foreigners

From the Times Online:

Tens of thousands of foreign IT workers are being sent to work for their companies’ subsidiaries in Britain, sparking fears that British workers are being denied job opportunities.

Almost 30,000 non-EU technology workers entered the country under so-called intra-company transfers last year, with the overwhelming majority coming from India.

Most of those arriving came for low and mid-level IT jobs where there are not significant skills shortages among British-born workers, fuelling suspicion that British workers are losing out to foreign workers who are being paid lower wages.

This has been going on for years and is quite prevalent in the IT industry. It affects mainly the contract and temp staff whose value to a company is for a temporary resource to help with varying short term workloads or to provide expertise that the company does not have currently.

The reason why companies do not employ new permanent members of staff (perms) under these conditions is that often the costs of permanent employment is much more than the contract staff when you take into account of pensions, health, training, sickness cover, paid holidays and other hidden intangible costs.

Which is why sometimes perms look at the contractor’s hourly rate and think they contractors are overpaid. What perms fail to understand is that out of this hourly rate they have to pay employers NI, employees NI, business costs, often IR35 and S660 applies, indemnity insurances, executive pensions, training costs and membership fees and of course, make cover costs of being out of work and ill. The costs incurred by the perms are normally paid for by perm’s parent company and are part of its operating costs.

Funnily enough, as they are only paid for turning up to work, contractors aren’t often as sick as perms! :)

A rule of thumb to compare equivalent salaries and rates is to take the hourly rate (say £30/hour) and times it by £1,000 to get the equivalent permanent salary of £30,000.

So there is an attraction to keep contractors on for cost purposes and sometimes political: I know of one major company that prefers to employ contractors rather than perms because the headcount numbers are smaller.

Back to the main topic: it is impossible for morons like Phil Woolas to say that we’re protecting British jobs and we have checks in place to stop abusing this system, because companies have been abusing this system for years, importing cheap labour from abroad and depressing contractor rates.

One way companies do this is to advertise a job way, way below market value so no-one applies for it. They can then say “we advertised this job, no one took it, it must be a skill’s shortage” and then bring in Cap Gemini or someone who supply the cheap labour through the ICT system.

Another way I have had personal experience with is that a company finishes a project, sacks a load of perms saying times are tough, creates a subsidiary company in India, starts up another project, and brings over cheap labour internally.

As I said, no-one cared about the IT industry – it was full of boring geeks. However, now this practise occurs in many other industries, such as Finance, Oil & Gas, Medical and all of a sudden people are starting to wake up.

I left contracting behind many years ago and now work B2B with my own company, but government and EU are still destroying a very important part of our wealth producing economy and I hope to see this Labour government, who instigated most of the above, being completely wiped out in May.